


A Life's Worth

by Annsabella



Series: The Continuing Voyages [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Drama, F/M, Psychological Drama, Psychological Horror, Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:46:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 85,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24283825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annsabella/pseuds/Annsabella
Summary: Kathryn Janeway has been promoted to Admiral five months after Voyager's arrival back to the alpha quadrant. Within those few months, she receives some devastating news which causes her to reach out to a stranger for comfort in the midst of her loneliness.Later, she is assigned to Voyager who is currently under the command of Captain Chakotay. Starfleet Command sends them to investigate a temporal rift near the badlands were Voyager was taken by the Caretaker a little over seven years ago. What they find waiting for them is unexpected.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: The Continuing Voyages [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1769944
Comments: 32
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NikitaKaralis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikitaKaralis/gifts).



> NikitaKaralis has always been so supportive of my work for quite a while now. I've always enjoyed her honesty and insights. She is very much appreciated.

Grading papers in his office at Starfleet Academy, Chakotay was interrupted by a call from Kathryn Janeway’s assistant, “Victoria, good to see you,” then he noticed the look on the young woman’s face. She seemed worried, panicked, stressed, “What’s going on?” He asked, all pleasantries gone, feeling genuine concern as a knot grew tight in his stomach.

“I’m so glad I caught you. I didn’t know who else to call that would handle the situation discreetly.” 

“What situation?” When it came to Voyager’s crew, especially Kathryn, he always found himself going into overprotective mode. 

“I think you need to head over to the Jazz Spot.” She advised, “I think the Admiral’s about to do something she’ll regret.”

“Tell me what’s going on? What do you think she’s about to do?” He pressed.

“I don’t know what happened this afternoon. All I know is she had an appointment with Starfleet Medical at fifteen hundred and was only supposed to be gone for half an hour, by the time she returned it had been almost two, and she was…different.” 

He could tell she was about to say something else but deliberately chose to diverge from her intended choice of words. “Different how?”

She was reluctant to say more, but his tone was insistent and knew he would continue to press her until she’d explained herself. “I think she’s been drinking. I could smell alcohol on her breath.”

He was surprised, and he couldn’t think of any reason why the young woman would lie to him, but at the same time couldn’t picture it. Kathryn would never drink on duty; it was completely out of character. “Tell me what happened.”

“I overheard her telling Admiral Hastings over the terminal that she was taking a couple of weeks off. He encouraged her to take more time, but she declined, I think in the end he was just happy to see her taking some time for herself considering how many hours she puts in,” He nodded, knowing well how much of a workaholic she was. “When she ended the call she came out of her office and told me to reschedule all her appointments for the next two weeks. 

“She stumbled and used the corner of my desk to catch herself, I immediately stood up to help by taking her arm until she got her bearings, and that’s when I could smell the alcohol. I’m pretty sure she realized I knew something; I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions very well. 

“I asked if everything was alright, and that’s when her whole demeanor changed. She jerked her arm away from me and told me she was fine. For a brief instant, I could see what maybe looked like a mixture of anger and sadness in her eyes. I don’t know what happened at that appointment, but it completely rattled her, and she’s not easily rattled. When she left I decided to track her whereabouts because I was worried. She did go back to her apartment for a little while before leaving again, her signal stopped at the Jazz Spot.

“Please Captain, I know that the two of you knew each other a long time, and whatever is going on you’ll do whatever you can to protect her and her reputation. I just hope she hasn’t already done anything she’ll regret later.”

*** 

What Victoria told him was extremely troubling and it had put him on edge. There was a time when they would share almost everything with each other, nearly every vulnerable feeling that couldn’t be discussed with anyone else without judgment. That is until he started dating Seven, changing everything between them. They were still friends, but not close like they used to be. That was his fault but was determined to rebuild their relationship back to where it was, perhaps then she would finally be willing to accept that he never stopped loving her, he was just tired of being alone. His relationship with Seven ended almost two months ago, but she was so busy with work and travel that he hadn’t been given a chance to see her long enough to tell her.

It had taken over an hour before reaching the nightclub, having been delayed by a couple of his students and a faculty member. Finally, he stepped inside and began to look around. There were some civilians, mixed with a smattering of Starfleet personnel and officers sitting at the darkened tables to have a couple of drinks and watch the live band. And it wasn’t the synthetic stuff, all drinks were the real deal, but he couldn’t see Kathryn anywhere.

Walking up to the bar, he motioned to the man tending it. Once he came over, he asked, “So what will it be?”

“Information.”

“Don’t have a lot of that,” He replied busying himself, polishing a beer glass. 

Chakotay knew better, bartenders have always been the unpaid counselors of the community. Frowning he tried again, “I’m looking for a woman.”

“Aren’t we all,” He answered, not looking up.

He could feel his ire rise, “Okay, I’m looking for a very specific woman who may have been here as long as an hour ago. I need to find her.”

“What does she look like?”

It wasn’t like he had a picture of her on him. “Do you have a padd?” The bartender reached down and handed one over. Logging into his personal database, he quickly scrolled through his holo-pictures until he could find one of Kathryn out of uniform. It turned out to be a picture of her when they were on a planet called Vanos III and they were still lost in the delta quadrant. 

He remembered the picture well, and the evening they’d spent together. She’d granted shore leave, and the inhabitants were friendly and welcoming for a change. They lived in a tropical paradise. Purple, red, and orange sandy beaches, clear blue phosphorescent water surrounded by tall cliffs sporting massive waterfalls. They were both awestruck by the view. She’d packed a picnic dinner consisting of fresh herb potato salad, eggplant parmesan, and a creamy cherry pie fruit dip with rainbow fruit kabobs along with a bottle of red wine. 

After the meal, they continued to sit on the blanket and sip their wine, taking in the beauty of the glowing water, the clear night sky filled with what looked to be more stars than possible. He could remember the smile that continued to linger on her lips, the wonder in her eyes. At that moment, he thought she was more beautiful than any other time he could remember. He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her under the light of those stars. If he was being honest, he wanted to do more than that. 

Instead, he put his hand on hers. When she turned to look at him, gave him a smile that expressed pure joy. “It’s beautiful,” she said softly.   
Yes, you are, he thought but said, “Yes, it is.”

When he showed him the picture the bartender appeared to recognize her. “Oh yeah, I remember her, quite the stunner. She was dressed pretty seductively; she certainly made a lot of guys around here take notice.” Chakotay felt his ire rising again by the way he’d said that before logging out of the padd and handed it back to him. 

“Did you see where she went?”

“No, but she was flirting with a young Lieutenant who comes in every Friday evening. She didn’t sound drunk, but I began to suspect pretty quickly after serving them their third round of drinks that she’d probably started before she got here. I’m pretty sure they left together.”

“How long were they here before you noticed they’d gone?”

He shrugged, “Maybe an hour?”

“Do you know the name of this Lieutenant?”

“I only know his first name, Jason. She seemed to have also forgotten her com badge. I’ve already alerted Starfleet security so they can come pick it up.” Then he stopped, as if realizing something, “It just occurred to me how much you and Jason resemble each other.”

Chakotay did not like the sound of this, not at all.


	2. Chapter 2

She was laughing and leaning against him as he tried to open the door to his apartment. He could tell she was drunk, as was he. Romulan ale was pretty potent and he’d had more of it than normal, she kept to red wine. It wasn’t his style to go to a nightclub and take someone home with him, but in this case, he was happy to make an exception. 

He never let on that he knew exactly who she was, Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager, well Admiral Janeway as of five months ago. He remembered hearing all about their ship being lost, it was on every news outlet, so it was kind of hard to miss. He didn’t know anyone on board; he was only fourteen at the time it happened. 

When he heard they were still alive but stranded in the delta quadrant, he began to gain a growing fascination with the ship, especially its captain. It wasn’t sexual, but after seeing her up close tonight realized her service pictures didn’t do her justice. He could only imagine what it must have been like to not only be stranded seventy thousand light-years away from home but have to try and command a ship composed of both Federation and Maquis crew members. The kind of person who could pull that off had to possess a type of grit he wished he had.

She was the person who inspired him to join Starfleet. The more he learned about her the more he admired her ability as a captain, scientist, and leader. He entered the fleet with a love of science, wanting to pursue a career in the same field she had. And perhaps, if he had the aptitude, switch his career track to command one day.

He almost fell the moment they were inside, tripping over a corner of the living room rug. Her sense of balance was seriously in question, and he had barely managed to keep them both from landing on the coffee table as the door swished closed behind them. The moon and streetlights filtered in through the windows, illuminating the room. 

Holding her by the waist, he looked down at her. She was staring up at him in an odd way as if she were possibly trying to remember something. He was about to ask her what she was thinking about when she reached up with both hands and pulled his face to hers, kissing him. It was hungry, primal, and filled with need. He found himself kissing her back with equal fervor. Her hands began exploring his body, which in turn gave him permission to do the same. 

When his hand went to her breast she moaned against his mouth and pressed herself closer, encouraging him to explore further. He might have been drunk, but he still had just enough sense left to apply caution. The alcohol was certainly fueling both their passions at the moment, and she was definitely ticking all his boxes. The deep throaty moan she’d released was like butter, and it was becoming extremely difficult to resist going any further. 

Her hands slid down his back, holding him just as close as her mouth continued to manipulate his. The last thing he expected this evening was to run into her, someone he truly admired. So when he bought her a drink as a pretext to talk to her, he found himself experiencing a little hero-worship. Okay, a lot of hero-worship. She looked like she was waiting for someone, dressed for a night on the town. Her hair was pulled up into a chignon, her makeup was flawless, the wide shoulder strapped black dress was long and elegant, a long slit stopping mid-thigh up both sides, and completely backless. The neckline plunged down, giving just a hint of cleavage. She turned quite a few heads this evening, including his. 

When she started flirting with him he was taken off guard. It was the last thing he expected besides, she was an admiral and he was a lieutenant, obviously, he had to be interpreting something that wasn’t there. So, he tried to dismiss the clear signals she was giving, thinking she was just being overly friendly because of the alcohol. It wasn’t until she put down her wine glass and asked. “Do you want to go somewhere?” That he finally realized that he hadn’t been misinterpreting anything. 

Now, he was standing here in his living room, a beautiful woman he admired kissing him with her breast in his hand, moaning into his mouth and sending all kinds of pleasant sensations throughout his body. He was finding it hard to think of any words, much less utter any of them. She had moved her mouth over to his jawline, then to his neck before whispering into his ear. “I want you,” before returning her mouth to his. This time it was slower, less urgent, passionate, seductive. It was the only words he needed to hear.

Scooping her into his arms, she let out a surprised cry before she began to laugh, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her mouth found his again as he made his way toward the bedroom. Once inside, he laid her down gently before joining her. Moving partially on top, the kissing resumed. It was slow and meticulous, filled with a kind of passion he’d never experienced before, she had completely drawn him in, and he was willing to do whatever she wanted. 

Putting her hands on his shoulders, she pushed gently, indicating that she wanted him to sit up, and he did. Taking her hands, he helped her to a sitting position. No words were spoken when she reached up to unzip his uniform top, her mouth going back to his jawline, leaving a soft trail of kisses up to his ear, “Do you want me?” She asked in a gentle husky tone that sent a warm sensation to his groin. A simple yes was all he could accomplish under the circumstances, “Then show me,” she challenged. There was no further hesitation on his part.

He began to undress her, relishing every inch of her skin with his hands as it was revealed in the soft light. When her dress had been removed, she reached up and removed the pins holding her hair. Shaking her head slightly the chignon fell apart, her long auburn locks brushed across her shoulder blades. He was completely mesmerized as his hand reached up to caress her cheek and was rewarded with a crooked smile.

Her hands began to undress him, pushing off his jacket, lifting up the tunic, and pulling it off. When her hands reached to unfasten his pants he gently clasped them. She looked up at him, appearing slightly confused. Again, his hand reached to caress her cheek and asked softly, “Are you sure?”

Her eyes took in his short-cropped black hair, his dark skin and ruggedly handsome features, the dark pools of his eyes staring back at her. In the dim light, he looked just like the man she’d fallen in love with so many years ago, the one she wanted to be with right now but couldn’t, having already moved on with his life. Indicating her desire with a couple of nods, he smiled. Whether it was a trick of the light, the alcohol impairing her perceptions, or her own imagination, thought she could see the same dimples that had the potential to disarm her. 

Laying her back, he removed the rest of his clothing before covering her body with his own. Bending her knees, she thrust her hips toward him, wanting, waiting. It didn’t take long for him to respond. She closed her eyes as he slid himself inside and began to move gradually, a velvety moan escaping her lips. 

“You feel so good,” he whispered against her ear. 

“Please don’t talk,” she replied gently, just wanting to lose herself in the moment, in the pleasure he was making her feel, in the fantasy of the man she was in love with. 

She was panting softly against his ear, her hands moved unhurried and deliberately up his back to caress the nape of his neck, causing him to moan against hers. They lingered there for a moment before her nimble fingers slid up into his hair and gave a contented sigh. He was beginning to feel slightly soberer at the moment, so he was able to appreciate all the subtle sensations that were filling his senses. Taking his face into her hands again, she caressed his cheeks before reacquiring his lips with the same slow intense passion they’d shared moments ago. 

This wasn’t some twenty-year-old who didn’t know the first thing about real passion. She was a delicate lover who knew how to touch a man, how to raise the level of excitement in ever-growing increments. Making him in turn, want to do the same to her. He kept the pace slow, allowing them both to enjoy every sensation their mouths and bodies made against the others in order to continue to maintain the slow burn. He’d never kissed someone like this during sex before and had quickly discovered it was something he’d been craving without realizing it. 

Her body moved against his, helping to maintain the pace as she moaned and panted against his mouth. He allowed his hand to move back to her breast, gently caressing the taut nipple with the pads of his fingers. Her moans grew in intensity at his touch, making her arch her back slightly, wanting more. Breaking the kiss he buried his face in her neck and began to slowly kiss her there, waiting for a reaction. Her hands began to slide down to his upper back, pulling him closer, moaning softly. 

It was becoming obvious that he was not the man she was thinking about. Her touches, kisses, seemed too deliberate, too intimate for this to be about him, but found himself not really caring. If this was what she needed he would pretend to be anyone she wanted as long as she kept touching him. Sliding his arms underneath her, he used the back of her shoulders as a means of purchase to help increase the rhythm of his thrusts. Capturing her lips with his own, he continued to kiss her the way she liked. 

She began to pant a little faster, releasing several moans against his mouth as the speed increased. He could have done this for hours, drawing out the pleasure, but didn’t feel she had the strength to keep up the pace as long as he could. She was getting so close to release, her body was beginning to tense in that pleasantly familiar way, and he was determined to bring her there. Rotating his hips slightly, he made her cry out in intense pleasure, leaving her gasping. She would soon lose control, and if he were listening, might hear her call out the name of the man she’d been thinking about. 

Soon, her moans grew more intense, the gradual buildup to ecstasy becoming almost impossible to resist. “Oh…my…god.” She moaned, unable to stop herself. He continued to remain silent as she’d instructed, only concerning himself with the pleasure that would allow them both to go crashing over the edge. Her legs began to squeeze against his hips, and he knew it would be any time now. 

He began to feel her vaginal muscles contracting. When it grew stronger, her hands gripped his back and shoulder, pressing hard against him as she moaned, “Chakotay…I love you,” softly against his ear. It was the way she’d moaned and not the words that rescinded his power to hold back, spilling himself inside her. She seemed to be able to feel it, sending out another wave of unexpected pleasure through her body, causing her to involuntarily press hard against him a second time. “Oh...baby,” came a final moan just before her body relaxed, content. 

He’d never felt that level of intensity before, finding himself manipulated by her desires. He kissed her then, slowly, passionately, the same way she’d been kissing him, and found her returning the kiss as they panted against each other’s mouths, allowing the moment to linger briefly before he relaxed against her, tired but satisfied. 

They held each other, catching their breath. When he tried to get up, she held him to her, not wanting him to leave yet. So he stayed a while longer, enjoying the closeness. Her head rolled to the side, and he tenderly kissed the delicate flesh she bared him, invoking a soft moan, but could tell she was spent. Soon, her hands fell away, her bent knees lowered to the bed, she was completely relaxed. So much so, that he realized she’d fallen asleep.

This time he was able to carefully remove himself before beginning the task of getting them cleaned up, and to be honest, a little disappointed that she was in no condition for another round. When that was completed, he lifted her up just enough to pull down the comforter and reposition her to a more comfortable position before covering her up. She turned away from him, snuggling down into the pillow, immediately falling back to sleep. 

He couldn’t help but smile at her as he made his way to the other side of the bed and climbed in. She was facing him, one hand gripping the edge of the pillow as the other rested just below her face. Lying beside her, he stared at her for a moment, noticing how every worry line, every muscle was completely relaxed, and she was stunning. He found himself a little jealous of Chakotay. Wishing for just a moment he was him before he found himself drifting off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a throbbing pain in her head when she awoke and rolled onto her back. Her hand reaching up to immediately massage her forehead as her eyes came into focus. Trying to sit up only served to make it worse, immediately inducing an overwhelming urge to vomit. She jumped up and ran around the bed, heading for the bathroom and nearly running into the wall, the door having moved a meter to the right overnight.

Jason was awake when he saw her roll over onto her back, the comforter slipping down to reveal her bare breasts in the sunlight. When she got up suddenly and nearly ran into the wall on the way to his bathroom, felt bad for her. However, he’d had enough sense the night before to take precautions in order to avoid the hangover. She obviously wasn’t used to that kind of drinking on a regular basis. Getting up, he put on some clothes before heading to the dresser and pulled out a pair of pajama bottoms with drawstrings and a t-shirt. 

The retching had stopped for the moment, and he could hear her moaning in the same way all people who’ve ever woke up the next morning after a hard night of drinking understand well. He smiled despite himself, remembering a few of those mornings where he’d spent most of it worshiping at the feet of the aluminum God. 

Setting the clothing down on the bed, he opened the drawer to the nightstand and took out a couple of large pink pills which were about the size of a quarter and dropped them into the small glass he kept on the nightstand along with a bottle of water. Opening the bottle, he filled about half the glass as the pills dissolved, sending a wave of pink foam nearly to the rim before receding. Pouring in just a little more water, he replaced the cap and set it back down.

He pretty much remembered everything that happened last night. However, he wasn’t sure how much she would, or that she was even aware he was here or where she was yet. With the glass in one hand and the clothing in the other, he made his way to the door and stood profile so he wasn’t looking right at her, “I brought you some things that might help,” he said softly.

She let out a surprised cry as she turned toward him. Immediately a painful moan escaped, and she grabbed her head, instantly regretting the action, “You might want to drink this, it will alleviate the hangover in about half an hour. In the meantime, I have a sonic shower or a bathtub you can use if you’d like to get cleaned up. I’ve also brought you some clean clothes. They’ll be pretty baggy on you, but they should fit,” he sat them down on the floor in front of her, “You can replicate something more appropriate when you decide to leave, no rush.”

As he started to pull the door closed she replied almost at a whisper, “Thank you…I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name.”

He smiled in understanding, “It’s Jason,” he said kindly.

“Kathryn,” she replied.

“Let me know if you need anything,” She nodded slightly, “I’ll be in the living room,” he said softly before closing the door, leaving her alone.

Closing the door to his bedroom as well, he stepped into the kitchen and began brewing a fresh pot of coffee before collecting his work bag by the front door. Walking over to the desk, he sat down and opened the bag to retrieve the padds containing his work notes before accessing the desk terminal. He may as well get some work done while he was waiting on the coffee and his guest to emerge from the bedroom.

Kathryn sipped at the pink liquid knowing her body was dehydrated, the thirst clawing at her throat but forced herself to take it in sips until it was gone, knowing that if she drank it down all at once she would induce another round of vomiting, it was the last thing she needed. Her head continued to pound as she set the glass down on the small counter above her. She couldn’t remember much of what happened last night, it all came in brief flashes, but remembered enough to be appalled by her behavior. 

The news she received yesterday only deepened the loneliness and emptiness she’d already been feeling. Being told she no longer had the options she always had ripped at her heart in a way she hadn’t expected, suddenly making her want the very thing she no longer had the option to decide. In the past, it was something she had taken for granted, not giving it much thought very often. Now, it seemed to have the power to change her behavior in ways she never would have considered, leading her back to the current situation. 

Jason appeared to be kind, understanding, and it was not lost on her how closely he resembled a former first officer who used to serve under her. She felt a knot in her stomach in anticipation of the eventual confrontation. The embarrassment of her behavior. He hadn’t let on, at least not yet, that he had any clue who she was, and silently pleaded with the universe this was the case. She decided to take him up on the offer to use his bathtub, it would not only give her more time to try and relax her overworked mind but give the medicine a chance to work. 

Taking a sip of his coffee, he had been so focused on the paper he was working on that he completely forgot the time, including the person in the other room until he heard the door slide open, startling him briefly, then remembered. Looking up, she was wearing the clothes he’d provided, along with his robe, he didn’t mind. She appeared extremely guarded and reserved, nothing like the woman he was with last night, “Feeling better?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“I brewed a fresh pot of coffee if you’d like some,” she nodded, “Help yourself, the cups are in the cabinet above the coffee pot.”

She moved into the kitchen but appeared uncertain and uncomfortable. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t expected after their awkward encounter this morning. He wasn’t going to say anything about what happened last night until she was ready to acknowledge it, the last thing he wanted was to make her feel any worse than what she was clearly feeling. Instead, he tried to focus his attention back on his paper. 

Crossing the room, holding the cup between both hands, she took a seat in the chair facing him. In his peripheral vision, he could tell she was contemplating something as she stared down at the cup for a moment before taking a sip. She looked pleased, a slight smile gracing her lips. “This is probably the best cup of coffee I can ever remember having. What’s your secret?”

He looked at her fully now, “It’s the brewing process. I find that if you freshly grind the beans and brew them at a lower temperature it releases a fuller richer flavor,” he answered with a gentle smile. 

“Well, it appears to be working for you. I rarely find someone who seems to enjoy coffee as much as I do,” her eyes finally met his, and they seemed a touch less guarded, “If you don’t mind my asking. What are you working on?”

“A paper I’m writing,” He answered trying to make it sound like it was nothing special, but she seemed interested, her demeanor slightly less reserved. 

“What’s it about?”

“The Dark Matter Inverse Problem. Extracting Particle Physics from Scattering Events,” Hearing it really seemed to pique her interest. 

“You’ve got my attention, I’d love to hear more about your research,” she said taking another sip of coffee.

He smiled softly; his eyes lit up by her interest. She was an accomplished scientist in her own right but was still nervous given her level of expertise. “At the lab, we’ve been testing a theory, we’ve noticed the primary observable in dark matter direct detection is the spectrum of scattering events. So we simulate multiple positive direct detection signals on germanium, xenon, and argon targets to explore the extent to which the underlying particle physics manifested in the momentum dependence of the operator mediating the scattering can be extracted. Taking into account realization Poisson noise,” He stopped suddenly, self-conscious. “I’m boring you with this, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m extremely interested, please go on,” She was on the edge of her seat, much like someone in a crowded movie theater watching a suspense thriller.

Seeing her genuine interest, he began to feel more confident, “Okay,” He continued, moving the chair from behind the desk and stopping just in front of her. Leaning forward, his hands moved as he talked as if he could show her what he was explaining. “A single target nucleus with 300 events has limited power to discriminate operators with momentum dependence differing for a wide range of dark matter masses from 10 GeV to 1 TeV.”

“What did your experiments reveal?” She asked leaning toward him.

“What we discovered with the inclusion of multiple targets or a factor of several more events on a single target, the discrimination of operators with different momentum dependence becomes very strong at the 95% confidence interval for dark matter candidates of mass 50 GeV and above. Even though operator discrimination still remains poor for 10 GeV candidates until multiple experiments each collect 1000 or more events.”

She was sporting a wide smile by the time he’d finished speaking, lighting up her entire face. He couldn’t help noticing just how stunning she really was, making the air catch in his throat and driving a feeling of warmth through his chest, reminding him once again just how lucky Chakotay was, regardless of whether he realized it or not. Within seconds the smile faded, all traces erased as she retreated further back into the chair, her guard instantly up. 

Looking back down at the cup in her hands, she spoke after a few moments of silence, “I feel I owe you an apology. I don’t remember much of what happened last night, but I’m assuming we ahh…umm,” she was extremely uncomfortable, unable to verbally acknowledge what happened between them.

“Slept together.” He offered, finishing the sentence for her. 

She took a breath to steady herself. “Yes, if I led you on I’m truly sorry. I’ve never behaved like that before, I never even suspected that it was ever in me to…” her words trailed off again.

“We were both pretty drunk, and in the interest of complete transparency, taking a woman home with me isn’t exactly something I do on a regular basis. In fact, you’re the first one.” Lifting her head, she met his eyes, “It isn’t often you get to meet the people who inspire you.” Her head instantly fell back in the chair as her eyes closed, a hand going to her forehead rubbing the spot between her eyebrows, her nightmare was now complete, “You don’t have to worry. I would never tell anyone about what happened. Besides, for me, it was far too special to share.”

She had hoped to hear what he’s just said, except for the last sentence. The hand fell away, her eyes meeting his again, questioning, “I don’t understand.”

Now it was his turn to feel exposed and embarrassed, “I’ve admired you for a long time, I would recognize you anywhere, last night was almost the exception.”

She blushed, “I don’t normally dress like that.”

“Why?”

She was taken off guard by his question, “I beg your pardon?”

“You’re a stunning woman Kathryn, beautiful and sensual,” She said nothing, the blush only seemed to spread, he was making her even more uncomfortable than what she already was, “I understand what I’m saying is difficult to hear, and I’m not the kind of guy who would lie about a thing like that,” Sitting down the cup she stood and walked toward the kitchen and stopped, unsure of where to go, as long as it wasn’t there. “Look,” he said standing up to follow, “I know I’m young, but mine wasn’t the only head who was turned last night, I just got there first.”

She didn’t know what to say, how to respond. The whole situation was becoming more than she could bear. Then she was struck by one of the last things he’d said, and it hadn’t even occurred to her until now, “When you say young, how young.”

“Does it matter?” He thought the question was superfluous.

“It does to me,” She said firmly, turning her head toward him but not turning around.

“Twenty-three.”

Her fingers covered her mouth as her eyes widened, “Twenty-three,” she repeated softly, then folded her arms across her chest, almost hugging herself. “I can only imagine what those people thought when I left with you last night.”

“That I was the luckiest guy in the room.”

She turned toward him angrily, her arms dropping to her sides, hands clenched into tight fists. “This isn’t a joke to me Jason. I was reckless and I was foolish, and I obviously took advantage of you somehow.”

He could see she wanted to know but not know at the same time. She was aware of what they’d done to some extent but clearly not enough to reconcile how complicit she was in its initiation, taking all the blame upon herself. He wasn’t going to let her do that, he was a willing participant, not a spectator. And after last night he would always be comparing any woman he allowed himself to be intimate with against her. She was certainly someone he’d never forget. He would have to save her from the torment she was putting herself though, and he knew what he had to do.

“This isn’t a joke to me either Kathryn,” then he folded his arms across his chest, “And what makes you so sure you took advantage of me?” He could see the mental shift happen instantly, diffusing her anger. The thought that he could have taken advantage of her was something she hadn’t considered. Slowly her fists unclenched, and her body began to relax, stunning her with the revelation. 

“I continued to buy you drinks, flirted with you, suggested we go for a walk, and took you back to my apartment. Once we were here I came on to you. You may have been drunker than I was and certainly more susceptible to my advances, but part of me knew it was still wrong. I got wrapped up in how damn beautiful and enticing you were. The way you kissed me, touched me, the feel of your body pressing against mine, exposing me to a level of passion I’d never felt before. I just didn’t have the strength to stop it. So, I’m the one who should be apologizing, not you.”

She didn’t reply for several minutes. One hand was closed into a loose fist and placed against her mouth, the other crossing her chest and tucked under her arm. He could see she was thinking it over, trying to go over the fragmented memories of last night and attempting to determine if what he was telling her corresponded with what she could remember. Finally, she looked up at him and said, “Honestly, I don’t know if that’s what really happened. You could be trying to spare my feelings, or you could be telling me the truth. I suspect I’ll never know for certain. What I can tell you, is that there is enough blame to go around. Regardless of the events and how they occurred, I still behaved inappropriately, and I’ll have to live with that,” She approached him and placed a hand on his arm, “But I appreciate what you were trying to do,” then smiled. 

He smiled back, placing a hand over hers, “I suppose this is where we say goodbye.”

“I suppose it is,” she answered, “If the offer still stands, I think I will replicate myself a more appropriate outfit.”

He laughed softly, “My replicator is at your disposal.”

She allowed her hand to slip away as she turned toward it, then stopped, turning back to him. “I saw the rank on your uniform, but of course it doesn’t give me your full name. I suppose it’s only fair since you know mine.”

He gave her a wide smile. “Runningwolf,” she raised an eyebrow, “I know, doesn’t sound real, does it? I was born and raised in Tahlequah, Oklahoma on the Cherokee reservation.”


	4. Chapter 4

As she stepped off the public transport pad and toward her own apartment building, she kept thinking about Lieutenant Jason Runningwolf, and despite what happened between them, she found him to be a very intelligent and genuinely nice young man with a passion for science. If the circumstances of their meeting were different, she would have been interested in cultivating a friendship. Who knows, perhaps one day after some time had passed, might consider making introductions the proper way. 

When she reached the floor of her apartment, she saw someone she wasn’t expecting standing next to her door, Chakotay. Her breath caught in her throat; he was the last person she felt she could face right now. Every emotion still felt extremely raw and would for quite some time. She considered turning around, trying to wait him out, but he’d spotted her before her mind and body could come to an understanding. 

If she turned around now, he’d know she was willfully trying to avoid him, hurting him in the process. It was the last thing she wanted, but at the same time didn’t feel she had the strength to face him either. It was a conundrum she was unable to solve in the time left to her. Without thought, her feet began to propel her forward, bringing him one step closer. 

He smiled, relief in his eyes, “I was worried about you,” he said when she was close enough.

“Well I’m fine, so you can stop worrying,” she answered, trying to return the smile, but it was only half-hearted. 

Frowning slightly, “Your assistant called me, she seemed pretty concerned after you left your office yesterday. She asked me to check on you, but you didn’t come back to your apartment last night.”

Immediately her face flushed, unable to stop it, hoping he wouldn’t notice, “I was out.”

It was something he didn’t miss, “Kathryn? Are you alright? Did something happen?”

A lot of things happened, things I don’t want to tell you because you’d find me just as disgusting as I find myself at this moment, she thought but said, “I’m fine.”

“You’d say that even if a Torillian sandbeast ripped your arm off,” then sighed, “I know we haven’t been close after I started dating Seven, and that’s a loss I allowed to happen, something I’ve always regretted. I’ve been trying to reach you for almost five months now, and I know your new position keeps you extremely busy, but I can’t help feeling you’ve been ignoring me. If that’s true I certainly understand your reasons for it, but I’d like to make it up to you if you’d let me.”

“What does Seven think about this?” She asked softly, looking down at the floor between their feet.

He gave a slight shrug, “I couldn’t say, we broke up two months ago.”

“I see, I’m sorry to hear that,” and she was. If nothing else, she wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with her. 

“Can we go in and talk for a while?” He suggested hopeful, “I know you took some time off, so you can at least spare some of it.”

She looked up at him. “Victoria?” 

He confirmed with a nod. “Don’t blame her Kathryn, as I said, we’re both worried about you. At least you have an assistant who cares enough to try and keep you safe.”

“I suppose I do,” she agreed and opened the door. Stepping inside, she gestured for him to join her, and he did. Closing the door, she called for lights as she went to the replicator. “Tea?”

“Yes, thank you,” then took a seat on the sofa. 

Replicating a tea and a black coffee, she handed him his before taking the chair across from him. They sat in silence for a moment, each of them appearing to be deep in thought as they nursed their beverages. It was Chakotay who decided to break the silence first. Setting down his cup, he continued to lean forward slightly, his arms resting on his knees, “Victoria called me deeply concerned and informed me that you had an appointment yesterday afternoon with Starfleet Medical, that you returned almost an hour and a half late from. She got the impression that whatever happened at that appointment rattled you quite a bit.”

“I did go to Starfleet Medical.”

“And?”

“And, they told me the results I’d expected.”

“Kathryn, I know something they either said or did is upsetting you. What happened? Let me help,” He pleaded. 

Her mind was tired, her heart, her body, she just felt numb. What did it matter if he knew or not? What difference would it make? It wouldn’t change anything.

“As much as I’d like to believe otherwise, there’s nothing anyone can do.”

He was getting frustrated with the way she continued to circumvent the question. Looking her in the eyes he tried again. “Kathryn, please just give me a straight answer. I want to be here for you regardless of what it is. Are you dying?” He asked horrified by the thought.

“No,” She breathed, feeling weary. 

He was relieved, “Are you sick? Need a kidney? What?” He was desperate to know at this point, needing to get to the heart of the matter that prompted Victoria’s call in the first place. “Is the news the reason you went to the Jazz Spot?”

Her eyes widened. “How did you know about that?”

“Because that’s where I tracked down your com badge.” He replied, omitting certain details that would only exacerbate the situation. “When I got there you were gone, the bartender said he saw you but didn’t know where you went. Why would you leave your com badge there?”

“I don’t understand the purpose of this interrogation Chakotay,” She was beginning to sound a little angry, “I’m not required to answer to you.”

“I know that, but I care about you in case you’ve forgotten.”

She was getting angry, damned angry, “You waltz in here and expect me to just reveal all my secrets because you think I’m still comfortable enough to do that?”

“No, I was hoping you would tell me because believe it or not I’m still your friend. And I’m still In…” He almost let it slip but stopped himself.

“You're still what?” She pressed.

He shook his head, remaining silent.

She stood up and headed for the kitchen and put her cup in the sink. “I’m too tired to keep playing these games.” 

He stood and followed, moving behind her and placing his hands on her shoulders. Finding what he had to say just as difficult as she was in telling him what happened at her appointment. He also found it amazing she’d let him touch her at all, “Okay, if it helps us get past this then I’ll tell you,” He took a breath and answered, “I’m in love with you Kathryn. I’ve been in love with you for a few years now. I just didn’t think you’d ever reciprocate those feelings, so I ended up dating Seven when she asked because I was tired of being alone. But I’ve got to be honest, even though I was with her, my heart always belonged with you. Seven finally realized it and that’s why she left. So,” he said gently turning her to face him, “That’s why I’ve been trying so hard to track you down for the last two months, so I could see if there was any chance you might feel the same way.” 

She hadn’t looked him in the eyes, only stare at his chest, hearing him say all the words she’d wanted to hear for so long. Her eyes filled with tears, and at that moment, broke down in front of him. He took her in his arms, and she allowed it, burying her face against his chest as she truly sobbed for the first time in weeks. He tried to comfort her, holding her close. It only made her feel worse, knowing what she’d done last night. Especially now that she would never…

“I’m a horrible person Chakotay,” she sobbed against his chest.

“I know for a fact that’s not true,” he answered firmly. 

She knew he wasn’t telling her everything he’d learned last night, knowing what kind of person he was. If it were her she wouldn’t have just simply asked the bartender if they had seen him and left, and neither would he. During their time together on Voyager they had become too much a part of each other, cared about each other too deeply at times. Her tears began to slow, turning her head she laid against his chest with her eyes closed, knowing what she did would not be a secret for much longer between them. He had a way of finding things out, nearly everything she didn’t want him to know, and last night certainly qualified.

“I know you Chakotay, and I also know you know more than what you’re telling me about last night. I’d like you to tell me what that is.”

He didn’t answer right away, the information and the inevitable conclusion he’d assumed occurred based on his findings pained him deeply, even though he knew she owed him no explanation. They were not a couple, and she was free to do whatever she liked with whomever she liked, but it didn’t ease the pain in his heart.

When he arrived at her apartment last night, waiting to see if she would return home and didn’t after waiting about three hours, knew she probably wasn’t coming back that evening. That wherever she was, she was going to remain there until the morning at least. He returned home, tried to get some sleep and did manage to somehow gain a couple of hours before returning here. It was lucky he’d arrived when she did. 

“He said you left with someone, that you’d been flirting with a young officer and that you were both pretty drunk. He only knew the man’s first name, Jason.” Pain filled his heart at the thought of what they must have done together, but he wasn’t angry, he had no right to be. He just held her closer, knowing that whatever caused her to behave so against her nature had to have been painful. Driving her to try and fill a need that had been buried for quite some time.

She nodded, saying nothing. He had to have realized something happened, but he didn’t appear angry, just held her closer. She didn’t have to say anything, didn’t owe him any information, but because of her feelings for him felt she had to confirm his suspicions, knowing it would hurt him. “I don’t remember what happened last night, only fragments, but I know we…slept together.”

A tear splashed against her cheek, but it wasn’t hers. He was holding her close, tears spilling from his eyes. “I’d gotten that impression,” he said barely above a whisper. 

“I was completely disgusted with myself when I woke up this morning, once I’d realized what we’d done,” her arms finally came up and wrapped around his waist, needing to feel the comfort he was providing more than she realized but didn’t feel she deserved. “I just didn’t want to accept that I no longer had the option anymore. What I’d been told at that appointment finally confirmed it, and left me feeling lost, alone. It’s devastating when something you’ve always taken for granted is ripped away from you. Invoking an instant obsession, finding yourself wanting it more than anything knowing you can never have it.”

He seemed confused, “What are you talking about Kathryn? What’s been taken away from you?”

Holding him tighter, fresh tears fell from her eyes. She found this information harder to divulge than admitting she’d just had a one-night stand. Why was it so much harder? “I can’t have children. I was told if I ever tried I would miscarry, that is if I was lucky enough to become pregnant, to begin with.” It was the first time she’d said it aloud, feeling that if she did it would make it more real, and it did. “I was there for an extensive examination, a requirement I was advised I had to undergo due to my new rank. This was so much more in-depth than any examination I’ve ever had, including the ones the Doctor performed on Voyager.

“The attending physician Doctor Phillips found something unusual in my bloodwork related to the virus that infected us six years ago. He discovered that the cure we received from the Vidiians had a subtle effect on my physiology that has been accumulating over time. It’s the reason why I don’t get sick anymore. Do you remember four years ago when nearly everyone on board came down with a virus we’d managed to pick up on a planet named Egreothea 7?”

He looked pained and nodded, remembering how he felt like death. It was on his top five of the worst illnesses ever list. “I remember, every human crewmember was affected, along with the Bolians and Bajorans. If I recall correctly, yourself, B’Elanna, all the Vulcans, Neelix, Seven, and Icheb were the only ones unaffected. We didn’t have the crew to keep the ship running, so you had to park Voyager in orbit of an L Class Moon until we recovered. My memory recalls being sick for months, but it was more like a week.”

She remembered the rest of them having to run around like madmen just to keep up with normal operations and help care for sick crewmembers, pulling sixteen to eighteen-hour shifts, running on very little sleep, and drinking enough coffee to keep the delta flyer at warp for a year. “It changed my immune response, killing off any foreign body that entered my system. However, it would also mean the same response would be just as vigilant against a…”

“Fetus,” he said finishing the sentence for her, “It would eventually see it as a threat and kill it,” He said, realizing the problem, and she nodded. 

He was devasted for her, and selfishly for himself. If they were able to have the relationship he’d hoped for, then starting a family with her was something he wanted to have as well, but it wasn’t everything. She began sliding down his body, grief-stricken, unable to continue to stand under her own power. He scooped her up and took her over to the sofa and sat her down, taking her back into his arms again. “We’ll get you another opinion.” The word third was all he could hear. Pulling back slightly he had to ask her to repeat it.

She looked up at him with swollen tear-stained eyes. “Yesterday, was my third opinion.”

He cupped her face in his hand, wiping the tears away with his thumb. “Was the Doctor one of those opinions?” She shook her head slightly, “then I don’t think you’ve gotten the right one yet.”

She gave him a brief smile, appreciating what he was trying to do, “Somehow, I don’t think it will be any different.”

“You know I love you Kathryn, and I’m assuming you feel the same way, or am I wrong?”

Again she shook her head, “No, you’re not.”

“Then I’m not willing to accept it unless you are. Do you want to have a baby?”

“I hadn’t given it much thought until they told me I couldn’t, now I can’t seem to stop wanting one.”

“Then I’ll call him, he’s at Jupiter Station at the moment visiting Reg. If anyone can find a solution he will.” 

She nodded and hugged him close, silently thanking him, “So, you still want to be with me knowing what I did?”

He sighed, “You’re a grown woman, and are free to do whatever you like with whomever you like. I have no say in that. It’s not as if you cheated on me. We weren’t together. I can’t say I’m happy about it for selfish reasons, but I understand the reason why it happened. What I also believe is if we were together, last night never would have happened, you would have come to me with this, and we would have handled it together.” 

Overwhelmed by a surge of love in her heart, she brought his face to hers and kissed him. “I should have said this a long time ago, but I love you, Chakotay.”

He smiled and caressed her cheek with his fingers, “As I love you. I’ll contact him now,” she nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

The Doctor advised he was happy to help and was already planning to return to Starfleet Medical in a couple of days, wondering why she hadn’t come to him with this after she got her first opinion. Chakotay didn’t have an answer but suspected it might have had more to do with her tendency to try and solve her own problems rather than ask for help, especially a friend. 

They spent the next couple of days getting to know each other again. Trying to rebuild the closeness they used to share. It was hard for both. She was hurt by his relationship with Seven, as he was by the fling she’d had. Neither of them had any claim on the other at the time, but in a way, it felt like a betrayal. 

They loved each other, felt it deep down in a way they’d never known with anyone else. Chakotay felt like he was a teenager all over again. This kind of love felt exciting, wild, unpredictable, chaotic, and had the ability to merge his feelings in such an insecure and euphoric way he sometimes felt overwhelmed by them now that he’d allowed his heart to love her fully. He could see those same feelings reflected at him through her eyes. 

It was too soon to take their relationship to the next level, and to be honest, he was frightened by it. If he got such strong feelings just by being near her, holding or kissing her, he couldn’t imagine what direction his emotions might take him once they’d allowed themselves to become even more intimate. It was best for both to take baby steps. 

She entered his apartment, both having already given each other their access codes. He was waiting on the sofa, a cup of tea in front of him, a cup of coffee waiting for her next to him. She smiled, “Sometimes I think you have this uncanny ability to read my mind.”

“Maybe I do,” he replied returning the smile, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

“You think you’re clever, don’t you?” She countered, continuing the light banter, taking the seat next to him and reached for the coffee cup.

He sat back, the smile growing wider for a moment as he watched her place the cup to her lips. His hand went to her back as she sat on the edge of the sofa, rubbing it in a couple of slow circles before allowing it to slide down to the small of her back, enjoying the level of intimacy their new relationship allowed. He could tell by the way she slightly shied away from his touch that she was thinking about it again, “You don’t have to keep torturing yourself over what happened the other night, we’ve all done something we’re not exactly proud of.”

Looking up from the cup in her hands she stated firmly, “Get out of my head.”

He couldn’t help the smile spreading across his lips again as he leaned forward and set down his cup, reaching over, he removed the cup from her hands and placed it beside his on the table before taking her into his arms and leaning back, taking her with him. 

Leaning against him like this felt as natural as breathing, “I can’t help it, I’m sorry. I’m just so disappointed in myself.”

He kissed her hair, holding her a little closer. His mouth lingered near the top of her head, smelling the faint scent of lavender, and answered softly, “At some point, you’re going to have to start forgiving yourself for being human.”

Closing her eyes, she replied just as softly, “I know,” then fell silent, still feeling as though she’d been unfaithful, even though she hadn’t.

He let her have this moment of judgment against herself as he gently caressed her arm. It was going to take more than a couple of days for her to come to terms with what happened. It would take time to process the indiscretion in her mind, which is where the battle ultimately had to be won. 

He would be lying if he said he’d made peace with it. The thought of her being with another man got under his skin, especially now that he fully opened his heart to her. However, when he reminded himself how she must have felt when he got involved with Seven, the thought instantly seemed to dissolve any negative feelings, unable to live up to that level of hypocrisy. They belonged to each other now, that was all that mattered.

Her thoughts began to drift to the appointment earlier that same day, to the conversation which became a breaking point that precipitated the following course of events. Her meeting was with the Chief of Staff Doctor Beverly Crusher. She didn’t have any easy answers for her, no course of treatment to explore for this unique condition. 

“I’ve gone over the results of the tests performed by both Doctor’s Philips and Manchester, which they compared with the information uploaded from Voyager’s Medical Database. I reran the tests again, hoping to find something they might have missed, and I’m afraid our ability to truly analyze the compounds of the serum would require several more years of study to comprehend. Most of the chemicals and materials used in its construction can only be found in the Delta Quadrant as far we know, based on the information you gathered there.”

Kathryn shared no emotion, just sat on the biobed, and stared at the wall. Focusing on a chart of the Vulcan adrenal gland. That was it then, even if she did want a baby it was out of the question. She would have to start trying to find a way to live with that. Only she couldn’t, feeling a sudden surge of anger. 

She had already lost and made so many sacrifices and concessions to the Delta Quadrant. Yes, it had also given her a lot in return, and she would never say she felt like a victim, having grown closer to people than she ever thought possible. However, it had forced her to make personal sacrifices she wouldn’t have had to make otherwise. Such as not having a life that was her own. Not having the ability to have a romantic relationship, knowing she had to choose duty, forcing herself to suppress her feelings for a man she’d come to care for deeply. Then watch him move on with his life, forever out of her reach. 

She had tried to do what was always expected of her, starting from her birth. Her parents were loving, they just had a standard of expectation she felt obligated to live up to. Starfleet Academy expected no less. Neither did any of the Captains she’d severed under. Getting her own command didn’t necessarily make things easier either, but there were things she could workaround in most of the situations. But out there, seventy-thousand light-years away was different.

Yes, she chose this life, but had she really chosen to give up all of it? The other things that were important to her and made her feel like more than just a captain of a starship? Whether these feelings were rational or not, they were still fueling her anger at the situation. 

She felt a hand on her shoulder, drawing her out of thought. “Admiral,” Doctor Crusher said, “I know how grim this seems, and how cruel this all must feel, but we’ll keep looking,” She smiled, trying to assure her, it didn’t.

“Thank you, Doctor Crusher, for taking the time to see me today,” She said before slipping down from the biobed and headed for the door. 

“Admiral,” Janeway stopped to look at her, “If we find anything that might allow us to help with your condition, I’ll contact you personally.” She gave her a nod, then left. 

She’d never felt more like having a drink in her life. Stopping into a local pub that sold real alcohol, she sat down in a booth and began to drink the whiskey her father used to. She’d had three of them downed in short order. The fourth she drank a little more slowly. Trying not to think about anything, just letting the world pass her by for a while. 

A man approached, he appeared to be a businessman and sat down without invitation. He began to flirt with her, and she immediately rebuffed his advances, but he was persistent, she had to give him that, and he kept trying to scoot closer and closer to her in the booth. He was drunk, similar in state to the one she was currently in. 

“Hey, there Starfleet, how would you like to come back to my hotel room and show me a good time?” He said laying his arm on the back of the booth. 

“Let’s not and say we did,” She replied, scooting further away from him. 

“Come on baby, don’t be like that. I thought you Starfleet folk knew you work for the citizens. Well, this citizen needs some personal attention if you catch my meaning.” He rose a suggestive eyebrow. She was already in a horrible mood, and now she gets a John Doe trying to pick her up as if she were a prostitute. Without a word, she tried to get up and move over to the bar. Grasping her by the wrist he stops her, “I’m not finished talking to you yet.”

Now she was angry, and due to the alcohol, had no compunction to use anything other than brute force to relieve herself of the problem if he didn’t let go. “I will break every bone in your hand if you don’t release me.” She warned. 

The few patrons in the bar looked up when they heard her raise her voice, “The bartender came over immediately and attempted to calm the situation, “Frank, you don’t want to do this, trust me. Look at her rank, she’s an admiral.”

“Admiral huh? Then I guess I scored big! She’s almost putty in my hands.”

“You’re about to be putty in her hands, in the form of a huge stain on the floor if you don’t release her right now. Don’t make me call Security Frank. Remember what happened last time?” The bartender encouraged.

Frank seemed to think about it for a moment, remembering that he’d spent nearly a week in a local drunk tank that nearly cost him his job, “Alright, fine,” he looked to be pouting slightly, but did release her wrist. 

Picking up her drink, she chugged the whiskey in the glass down and placed it on the table. “I’m sorry about this.” The Bartender said.

She wasn’t interested in apologies, she just wanted to leave and head back to the office and put some things in order. She needed to take some time off. Maybe go on a vacation, far away from everything that kept reminding her of the pain in her heart. Holding up her hand in a stop gesture to keep the man from talking, she left. 

As she walked, and sometimes stumbled, back to her office, she couldn’t stop thinking about what Doctor Crusher said, what they’d all said. Then a little voice spoke up in her head. _“It’s not going to happen, Kathryn, you are always going to be childless, alone, and unloved for the rest of your life. Chakotay doesn’t want you anymore, that ship has sailed, regardless of how much you love him, he will never be yours,”_ A few tears slid down her cheeks, and quickly wiped them away as the little voice continued, _“But you can pretend he is. All you need is to choose a better location to meet a man, like that classy nightclub the Jazz Spot. You love that place. Get dressed for the occasion, make a night of it, and you might find someone to go home with. Maybe someone who can show you a little comfort and passion. It’s probably all you’ll ever get now. No man wants a broken woman.”_

At the time, the thoughts made perfect sense, the alcohol exacerbating and attributing to those new perceptions of herself. Especially when she was already feeling so lost, broken, and alone. So, for the first time in her life, she acted on the worst possible idea she’d ever had. 

“Kathryn?”

She finally heard the voice calling her, “Yes I’m here.”

Chakotay sounded concerned, “You were really far away there for a minute. Are you alright honey?”

“I’m fine,” she replied, quickly wiping the tears away from her eyes before sitting up, “I was just thinking.”

She was trying to hide her face from him. Without a word, he used his finger to gently turn it toward him and saw the tears threatening to spill again from her eyes, “Must have been pretty upsetting,” then caressed her cheek, using his thumb to wipe away the escaping tears.

At first, she said nothing, her throat too tight with emotion. Closing her eyes, she leaned into his hand, waiting for it to ease, “When am I going to stop feeling this way?”

He gave a concerned sigh, “Sooner rather than later, I hope. I hate seeing you this way. But I’ll always be here for you, count on it,” She nodded and placed her hand over the one on her cheek. Leaning in, he kissed her softly before resting his forehead against hers. 

If he could take away her pain he would, gladly. It didn’t seem fair in many ways that she should be made to feel like this, she’d already sacrificed enough. She deserved happiness as much as he did and would do everything, he could give it to her. If the Doctor could find a way to make it possible for her to have a child, even if she ultimately decided not to have one, it would go a long way in helping to erase a lot of her sadness. 

“Come on,” he said softly, before pulling back to look her in the eyes, “If we don’t leave now, we’ll be late for your appointment with the Doctor.” She gave a quick nod. Standing up, he took her by the hands and helped her to her feet, “Just remember,” he continued once they were face to face, “In all the world, in all the universe, somehow we still found each other. That’s got to be worth something to smile about,” and she did.


	6. Chapter 6

The Doctor didn’t look particularly pleased when Janeway and Chakotay entered his office. He had what could only be described as a disapproving scowl, staring at her, arms folded across his chest. She looked puzzled by his expression upon entering the room, “I’m so disappointed in you Admiral, Captain Chakotay informed me of what you did.”

Her eyes widened slightly, managing to keep the look of horror off her face. Turning to Chakotay, he had a look of confusion. Looking back to the Doctor she asked, “Informed you of what exactly?”

“That you knew about your condition for several weeks and didn’t reach out to me,” then he began to gage the reactions in the room, “Why? What do you think I was talking about?”

Relief splashed briefly across her face, “Nothing Doctor. I understand you just returned from Jupiter Station. How is Mister Barkley?”

He appeared uncertain for a moment, almost positive he’d just missed something before allowing the tone to shift, then a smile spread across his lips, “He’s currently working in the holo-engineering lab. While I was visiting him, he allowed me to visit his recreation of Voyager.” 

Janeway smiled, “I didn’t realize you were the sentimental type.”

“Voyager was my first home,” he defended.

“Of course,” she replied, the smile still lingering on her lips, “It’s good to see you, Doctor.”

“It’s good to see you as well Admiral,” then looked to Chakotay, “Captain, how do you like your new post at Starfleet Academy?”

“Happy to be close to home,” he replied, a slight smile spreading across his lips for many reasons.

“I understand,” he stated before getting down to business, “I’ve been studying the results of your previous tests and compared it to the medical information I’ve stored in my database. What I would like to do, is run the same series of tests on Captain Chakotay, with his consent, in order to not only determine if he may have suffered any adverse cumulative effects from the cure provided but study how and if it has affected his physiology. Once I’ve done that, I can then run a comparison in order to determine if there is anything I can use that may help me treat your condition.”

“I have no objections,” Chakotay answered, “What do you need me to do?”

“These tests will take several hours to complete, and they can be somewhat arduous,” the Doctor began, “you may want to consider either going home or taking care of any business Admiral.”

She nodded, “Thank you, Doctor, may I have a moment alone with Chakotay?”

“Certainly,” then he looked to him, “I will be in the lab when you’re ready,” Chakotay gave a nod and he left the room.

He could see in her eyes she was concerned, although he wasn’t sure why, “What is it?”

“I’ve changed my mind; I don’t want to go through with this.” 

Taking her by the hands he replied calmly, “You haven’t. Now, why don’t you give me the real reason.”

How did he always know? She wondered. Have my skills been slipping, or am I finding it harder to keep my feelings hidden from him? “I don’t want you to take these tests.”

He sighed, “If we’re going to be in this relationship, you’re going to have to start being more open with me. Now, I’m still going to take these tests,” she began to protest. Putting a finger to her lips, he silenced her, “because I want to for both of us. However, I’m prepared to hear you state your case.”

She had to smile at that for a second before replying, “Alright,” then took a breath, “I didn’t tell you everything about these tests, some of them can be painful, but unfortunately necessary, and I don’t want you to go through that. There’s no reason why you should. I will always be grateful that you were willing to undergo them for me in the first place.”

Gently, he caressed her cheek and gave her a wide smile, his dimples making her feel a tad dizzy, “I love you so much Kathryn, you know that,” she nodded, “And that’s why I’m still going through with it. Not just for you, for us. If there is any way we can have a child together I’m willing to do whatever it takes to give us what we want.”

She was stunned, “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“If I was ever going to start a family, my hope is that it would always be with you.”

“Have I…” her voice started to crack slightly, “ever told you how much you mean to me?” He shook his head. “Everything.”

Leaning down, he kissed her softly then, his heart bursting with love, “I want you to go home, don’t sit here waiting for me. I’ll come to you when it’s finished.”

She didn’t want to leave him, but she wasn’t allowed to be in the lab unless she was a patient. As an Admiral she could force the issue but what would be the point? “All right, I’ll see you at my apartment. Later, if you’re up to it, we can have dinner.”

“Sounds great. Now, let me go take these tests before the Doctor thinks I’ve gotten lost and sends a search party,” he said with a laugh, breaking the tension.

“Alright, I’ll see you there, but if you decide to change your mind and not complete them. I’ll understand.”

“If the almighty Kathryn Janeway can do it, so can I,” he answered giving a soft chuckle., “See you in a few hours,” she nodded, knowing it was out of her hands.

***

When Chakotay arrived back to her apartment that evening, he looked exhausted, much the way she did after her examination. All she’d really wanted when she got home that day was crawl into bed and go to sleep. She had prepared the bed for him, just in case. 

Helping him over to the sofa, he took the support happily. The closest public transport site to her building was just across the street, much closer than his apartment. So, coming here was the better option. Sitting down, Kathryn moved around to the back of the sofa and placed her hands on his shoulders and began to rub gently. “How bad was it for you?”

“Not as bad as it could have been. I’m mostly just sore, the doctor had me completing a series of stress tests, running, jumping, lifting, presses, you name it,” he answered, the feel of her hands were soothing, “not to mention the deep tissue samples, I wasn’t even sure I had tissues in the places he pulled it from,” he finished, trying to make light of the situation.

“I know,” she said softly, continuing to rub his neck and shoulders, trying to help him relax, “Are you hungry?”

“No,” he answered, too tired and sore to eat. 

“I’ve got the bed made for you, I also replicated pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. Let me know when you need help getting them on.”

He only nodded, enjoying the feel of her hands massaging his upper back now. “He gave me a muscle relaxer to take when I got home, to help with the soreness.”

“Well, let’s get your bedclothes on and then you can take it.”

“Yes Admiral,” he said then gave a salute.

She kissed the top of his head, her hands in his hair and released a soft laugh. Moving around to the front of the sofa, she offered him her hands. He took one, then used the sofa’s armrest to push himself up the rest of the way. Continuing to hold her hand, he allowed her to lead him into the bedroom. 

She had a large bed, the mattress, pillows, and comforter fluffy and inviting. Releasing his hand, she reached down and picked up the clothing she’d replicated from the foot, “How did you want to do this?” She asked.

“I think I have just enough strength left to get dressed.”

Nodding she replied, “I’ll be in the living room, call me when you’re finished,” then left, sliding the door almost closed in order to give him some privacy, leaving a couple of inches so she could hear him when he called.

Busying herself with a few simple chores, she was moved by what he’d done for her, for them. She hadn’t realized until today he was even interested in having a family, it was something she couldn’t remember him ever having mentioned before during their time on Voyager. In many ways, the subject would have invoked feelings of melancholy, remembering what they’d both lost and their hopes for the future. 

“Kathryn.”

Moving back into the bedroom, he was sitting on the side of the bed, “You look exhausted honey.”

“I feel exhausted, but can I ask you to do me a favor?”

“Of course.”

“I left the muscle relaxer on the table by the sofa, would you mind getting it?”

She smiled, “Not at all,” once she retrieved it and returned, he was sitting up with his eyes closed, “Poor baby,” she said softly as she walked up to him before placing the shot to his neck and administered its contents, “Lay down on your stomach,” he nodded slowly and did as instructed. 

Sitting beside him, she reached up and began massaging his neck and shoulders. He moaned in pleasure, making her smile, “Just relax and let me take care of you,” he didn’t even have the strength left to nod.

His shoulders were broad, muscled, taking her time she focused on trying to loosen every kink, every knotted muscle. Moving down, she applied the same diligence to his upper and lower back. When she’d finished, he was asleep, and most likely had been for some time. She stared at his face for a moment. He looked so peaceful, and her heart swelled as she reached out and caressed his hair before allowing the back of her fingers to gently graze the side of his cheek.

She found herself looking forward to starting a life with him, but worried that she wouldn’t be able to give him everything he needed from her or wanted. With her position as Admiral, even more of her time would be usurped by duty and service but felt determined to try and find a way to make it work. She’d lost him once and had no intention of letting it happen again.

Rising gently from the bed, she covered him up and turned out the lights before heading back into the living room. Retrieving a pillow and blanket from the spare storage closet, she made her way to the sofa and set up her bed for the evening before redressing herself into a set of satin pajamas she brought in with her earlier, the top of the set still having the spaghetti straps she preferred for freedom of movement. After settling in she closed her eyes and had she still been conscious, surprised by how quickly she fell asleep.

***

When she opened her eyes, Chakotay was sitting in the chair across from the sofa, a cup in his hand, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” she replied slowly sitting up and grasped her robe from the arm of the sofa and slipped it on before tying it, “How long have you been sitting there?”

“Not long,” he answered before taking a sip from the cup.

Was that a smile? With a slight frown, she stood up and went to the replicator, “Coffee, black,” taking the cup she walked back to retake her place on the sofa. 

“I was wondering…” the words trailed off.

“Yes?” She answered after taking a sip from the mug, savoring the deliciously bitter substance as it filled her mouth, its warmth spreading across her chest as she swallowed, it was exactly what she needed first thing in the morning.

“I had expected…” his words seemed to be failing him as he stared down at the cup in his hands.

Confused she offered, “Breakfast in bed? I don’t know where you’re going with this Chakotay.”

He seemed to look uncomfortable for a moment before trying again, “I didn’t expect to put you out of your own bed.”

“It’s alright, you went through a grueling trial yesterday, the least I could do was let you have a comfortable night’s sleep,” she took another sip of her coffee, trying her best to ignore the way he was now looking at her. 

“Kathryn, if you’re having second thoughts.”

“No,” she said immediately, almost before he’d managed to get the words out of his mouth. Then she took a breath, calming herself before asking, “Are you?”

“No,” he stated firmly, then smiled, “If you didn’t have any other plans, I thought about taking you to Paris, unless you’ve already been.”

She shook her head slowly, the air catching in her throat, “I thought you had to report back to Starfleet Academy today?”

Sitting down his cup he answered, “I requested some time off, so we could spend some time together,” he sat back in his chair, “If you think it’s a bad idea…”

“I would love to go to Paris with you,” she found herself saying before realizing the words had left her mouth.

“Then I’ll make the arrangements.”


	7. Chapter 7

They spent the next ten days in and around Paris, visiting the museums, viewing classic and priceless works of art, the restored grand chapels, opera houses, historical sites, including kissing her at the top of the Eiffel Tower. The pièce de résistance was in Amboise, France so she could see some of Leonardo Da Vinci’s carefully preserved works after he’d moved to Château of Cloux in 1517. 

He could still see her face as she looked within the vacuum filled display cases. Studying the pieces carefully, wonder, delight, along with a deep appreciation of his genius in her eyes. She had always admired him but regretted never having taken the time to see any of his treasures up close. This was a gift she would never have given herself if left to her own devices, it was a treat he was determined she would have.

Near the end of their trip, he took her to Le Procope for dinner. Founded in 1686 by the Sicilian Francesco Procopio Dei Coltelli. Considered to be one of the oldest cafes in Paris, it was also a legendary meeting place for artists and intellectuals like Voltaire, Jean-Honoré Fragonard, Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux, and Jean-François Regnard. Relics of the French Revolution were housed inside. Even Napoléon Bonaparte’s hat was on display.

They sat outside at one of the café tables, sipping from glasses of red wine while eating French cuisine. A warm breeze kept the air swaying, filling their nostrils with the sweet smells of their surroundings. They laughed, talked, and began to fall back into the old familiar patterns they’d come to expect from the other during their years on Voyager. Kathryn appeared to be relaxed, happy, nothing like the woman who had been so full of sadness and regret several days ago. He wanted her to be happy, as far as he was concerned, her happiness was synonymous with his own.

Taking her back to the hotel they were staying, they arrived at Kathryn’s room first. He wanted to make sure she was safe inside before going to his room beside hers. When her door opened and she’d turned on the light, decided he would head for his own. Wishing her goodnight he turned to go, only stopping when he felt her hand gently clasp his wrist. He turned back, wondering if he’d forgotten something until he saw the look in her eyes, nearly taking his breath away.

She pulled him inside and closed the door, locking it behind her. “Kathryn, are you sure this is wise?”

Walking up to him and slipping her arms around his neck and answered, “Probably not, but all I know is that I love you,” She allowed them to slide up to his cheeks, caressing them with her thumbs before kissing him slowly, passionately. 

His body seemed to go into overdrive, being this close to her with no one around to keep his desire in check. Breaking the kiss, she led him toward the bed before they removing each other’s clothes. Standing nude before the other, he helped her lay back onto the bed before covering her body with his own.

They continued to kiss with fervor, getting to know the body of the other with their hands first. Wanting to know each other in the most intimate way. The feel of his back, shoulders, arms, chest. He, in turn, doing the same to her, reaching all the parts of her body he could touch without either of them breaking lip contact. 

Minutes or hours could have passed as they kissed before Chakotay slid himself inside her a little at a time, causing a gasp to escape her lips until he was in completely. She felt trepidation, not knowing where this step would lead. He is feeling the same as her but continuing to do it anyway. Maintaining eye contact, he slowly began to move, building a steady rhythm. 

Neither of them spoke, the building of intense pleasure was all they wished to hang on to as their bodies moved against the other. Their lips coming back to taste each other’s mouths, panting softly, heightening the level of pleasure coursing through them. He was determined to bring her to the altar of ecstasy and keep her there if possible.

Her hands wandered across the pillow, going up until she found a slat on the headboard as he kept up the steady pace, listening to her soft panting as her back arched slightly. Automatically, her fingers curled around it. Chakotay could hear a cracking sound as she pulled against it, trying to use it as a means of support to keep the pace steady. She was close, so close. His hand reached up and gently smoothed her wrists, indicating he was there. Whispering that she needed to let go and relax into the pace he was setting and surrender to his lead, promising he would take her where she needed to go.

After a few seconds, she did, allowing her hands to come down and grasp his cheeks, pulling him to her for a series of long slow kisses. He was happy to comply, the taste of everything she was heightening his pleasure, fueling his own need. Reaching back, he linked his arms under her knees and gently pushed them forward toward the bed, allowing him to slip deeper. She moaned loudly against his mouth, both of them panting a little faster. 

Release would arrive soon, their pleasure becoming indistinguishable from the other. The feeling of euphoria growing and morphing into something powerful and far beyond their control. They would have to ride it through to the end, their bodies demanding nothing less than completion. 

She cried out, nearly animalistic as her eyes rolled back into her head. Her hands gripping his hips as her body pressed impossibly hard against his, her head falling back. The speed at which he was making love to her only served to intensify the profound state of rapture she was in. Lasting much longer than she had ever experienced.

He dropped his face into her neck and thrust himself deep, releasing everything he had inside her. His eyes mirroring her current state as he cried out against her neck, feeling himself surrendering to the rapture his body was now experiencing. Her inner muscles gripping him, trying to hold him inside. His hips jerked sporadically for a moment. She had felt his release, further intensifying the feeling of rapture both were experiencing, consuming the last of any rational thought and pushing them toward the precipice of madness. 

They let go of each other, her legs falling to the bed, arms hovering in the air for a moment before coming to rest on either side of her head on the pillow. He fell against her, neither of them able to move. What they’d just experienced was more than sex, more than love, it was a merging of the soul. Two people, from different backgrounds, different geological locations, different choices, in a galaxy filled with chaotic acts of convergence found each other, a mathematical impossibility.

Time eluded them as they lay there, allowing themselves a few moments for their senses to return. He finally managed to move off her, and rolled onto his back, closing his eyes. He didn’t have the strength to do more. Similarly, she also lay there, unable to find the energy to move and allowed her eyes to close. When they awoke several hours later, they were tightly coiled around the other and sunlight was filtering in through the window.

Chakotay sighed peacefully, his cheek resting against her forehead. If she were still asleep, he had no intention of disturbing her.

“Are you still happy you brought me to Paris?” she said softly, contented. 

He hugged her gently, “Absolutely,” then kissed her on the forehead, “Are you happy you came with me?”

She smiled and caressed his arm, “Definitely.”

***

On the way back, they discussed their current living arrangements. Although they couldn’t see themselves ever parting, it felt it was best to keep both apartments for now. Deciding that the current rotation would be one week at her place then the next week at his while both of them were home. 

When Janeway arrived back in her office on Monday, her assistant Victoria couldn’t help but dread the confrontation. She was ready to assure her that she only had her best interest at heart, knowing Captain Chakotay had certainly informed the admiral of her involvement, how much he told her she could only guess. 

“Good morning, Admiral,” she greeted.

“Good morning, Victoria,” she replied, her expression revealing nothing, “What’s on my schedule for today?”

“You have a meeting at zero nine hundred with the Federation Science Council regarding their request for more resources to study new methods to traverse the supervoid between the Milky Way and Andromeda Galaxies. The meeting is scheduled to last until eleven hundred. At thirteen hundred you have a meeting with the Astrophysics Division requesting permission to get a closer look at what they’re calling a Zombie Supernova in the Orion Nebula,” this she stated with a hint of a smile.

Janeway’s interest was piqued, “Colorful analogies notwithstanding, the last supernova to erupt for an inordinate amount of time occurred in 2168, if I remember correctly, the eruption lasted for six hundred fourteen days. Did they mention how long this one has currently been erupting for?”

She checked her notes, “Six hundred fifteen.”

“Not only may I grant their request, but I might go with them and have a look myself,” she mused. 

“Before I forget, there is a package on your desk that arrived last week while you were on vacation.”

“Thank you, Victoria. Is there anything else?”

Suddenly she looked pensive, and a little afraid, “I hope you’re not too angry with me Admiral for contacting Captain Chakotay. I was…”

Janeway saved her before she forced herself to finish the sentence, “It’s fine, really. I’ve had time to consider the issue and of course, you did what you thought was best to protect me, my behavior that day was certainly out of character and out of line. You would have been well within your rights to report me, but I’m glad you didn’t. In fact, I believe I owe you an apology for any offense I may have caused, as well as a thank you for sparing me any repercussions from Starfleet Command. I know I must have put you in a terribly awkward position.”

She smiled slightly stunned, the apology unexpected, but her honesty and warmth were just two of the things she liked about her. She shouldn’t have been stunned by it really, it was just how she was. The last thing she wanted was to see her reprimanded for a momentary lack of judgment, knowing this was not the woman she is and that something had to have hurt her deeply enough to temporally change her behavior. Everyone has those moments and has learned that the punishment we impose upon ourselves is often harsher than what is doled out by others. “Already forgotten, Admiral.”

Janeway smiled, “Good, now that that’s settled, I’ll be in my office preparing for my first meeting.” Victoria nodded.

Once inside, she immediately noticed the rectangle-shaped grey box. Moving closer, it appeared to be waiting for DNA and voice authorization. Taking the seat behind her desk, she lifted it slightly to peer at the name of the sender, it was lighter than expected and noticed no name listed as to their identity. All packages received went through thorough, rigorous scans before they were accepted and delivered, leaving no doubt that there was nothing inherently dangerous about its contents, just odd. She complied with the authorizations, and carefully opened it. 

Inside was a letter in a plain white envelope, below it was something stretching the length of the box wrapped in cream-colored tissue paper. The name on the letter said Admiral Kathryn Janeway, written by hand. Curious, she opened it and noticed the letter was also written by the same hand. 

_Admiral Janeway,_

_I just wanted to let you know that I intend to keep my promise. I have enclosed some things I thought you might like to have._

_Lieutenant J.R._

A ripple of numbness traveled through her body once she’d realized who it was from. Thankful he had been courteous enough not to disclose any further details. 

Her hand felt cold as she moved the tissue paper aside. It was her dress and shoes from that night, she’d forgotten them. A hint of a smile shadowed her lips, grateful he’d returned the evidence of her indiscretion, and silently thanked him. 

***

The comfortable relationship she and Chakotay had formed over the last six months left her feeling happier than she could remember in many years, not since she and Mark had been a couple. However, this relationship was different, he could be unpredictable, spontaneous, it was a type of love she found exciting, uncontrollable, freeing. He didn’t make demands for her affections, but could certainly be a fierce and anticipatory lover, always seeming to know where and how she liked to be touched. It was breathtaking, unnerving, and miraculous. 

She was certainly no slouch, something inside her always seemed to guide her hands in just the right way when they were together, and his response to those actions were all the thanks she needed. 

He would surprise her with little gifts, treats, actions. Knowing when she needed a bath to relax just by taking one look at her face when she came through the door. Other times he would be ready with a simple hug, a cup of coffee, it was uncanny how he seemed to know and understand her so well. 

She also seemed to know when he needed something with just a look, a stance, a sigh. Ready to provide any action needed to quell the issue without a word. She’d never had that kind of shared understanding with anyone. It was invigorating and frightening at the same time, but she wouldn’t change it.

To say they were always of one mind would be optimistic, they would argue at times, sometimes to the point where one of them would leave depending on who’s apartment they were in at the time and return to their own, but they always seemed to find their way back to each other once the cooling-off period had passed.

Today she was surprised by a dozen red roses he’d had delivered to her office, and if she had been angry with him, this certainly would have eased it. However, today was simply a reminder that he was thinking of her, making her heart soften and polishing any rough edges. 

“Admiral Janeway, you have an incoming communication from Admiral Hastings,” Victoria advised.

Giving the soft petals a final touch, she answered, “Route it to my office,” before heading inside and taking the seat behind her desk. Activating the terminal, Admiral Hastings face appeared. 

“What can I do for you, Fred?”

He seemed serious, concerned. The soft loving feelings she’d felt a moment ago were gone, his face telling her something wasn’t right in their little corner of the universe, and with good reason. There was always something happening that required intervention. 

_“I’m afraid I have concerning news Kathryn, there appears to be a spacial rift forming in the same region Voyager disappeared eight years ago. I want you to take command of Voyager and investigate, see if you can decide as to why it’s there. Voyager has also been refitted with the new slipstream drive you and your former crew designed nearly three years ago.”_

“I understand, but the drive was simply a prototype that couldn’t be used safely.”

He nodded, _“We’re aware of that, but our engineers have studied your schematics and assures me they have worked out the phase variance Voyager was experiencing when the drive was brought online. They’ve made several successful long-range tests, all successes. They assure me they’ve worked out the slipstream variance problem.”_

“I certainly hope so,” feeling a knot in her stomach. 

_“I understand your trepidation Kathryn, and you have good reason to feel that way. But I assure you the problem has been solved. In fact, I’m sure you will be pleased to know that Lieutenant Commander B’Elanna Torres is one of the engineers who not only worked on the project but is coming along to make sure things go smoothly.”_

If B’Elanna worked on this newly perfected drive then she felt better about her chances, “When would you need me to go?”

_“The teams I’ve assigned to Voyager are getting in place and will be ready to depart at zero seven hundred tomorrow.”_

“Anything else I should be made aware of?”

_“Yes, Captain Chakotay will be in command of Voyager for this mission.”_

Now she seemed to understand that the roses she thought were a completely thoughtful surprise had turned out to be the apology before the news. “I understand, three months ago he had accepted a temporary assignment as Captain of the U.S.S. Science Vessel Aurora for a couple of weeks while their captain, first officer, and two other officers recovered after a serious accident so the crew could complete their survey. I had thought upon his return, he would be staying and returning to his teaching position at the Academy.”

Fred leaned forward slightly, taking on a softer tone, _“Plans often change Kathryn, you know this better than anyone,”_ She nodded, _“This isn’t going to be a problem for you, is it? Since you and Captain Chakotay have been seeing each other.”_

“I don’t foresee any issues, we’re both Starfleet officers and will perform our duty regardless of what our personal relationship might be.”

He smiled, _“Glad to hear it.”_

“Out of curiosity Fred, I never asked how you were first made aware of the Captain and I’s relationship.”

_“San Francisco is much smaller than people think,”_ A smile still on his lips, _“Your apartment buildings are housed with Starfleet officers and personnel, and because of your time in the delta quadrant people know who you both are, as they would likely recognize any member of Voyager’s former crew,”_ He could see a hint of concern at having had her personal relationship brought up. Continuing gently, _“Both of you have conducted yourselves professionally, and on a personal note, you seem much happier since the two of you started seeing each other. I wish you both all the best.”_ He didn’t want to bring up the medical report he’d been given four months ago, as the admiral overseeing their division he had to be informed of any mental, physical, or medical issues that were affecting any of the people under his supervision, it would only serve to upset her.

“Thank you, Fred,” She replied, a slight smile playing at her lips, “I would also like to bring along the Doctor unless you have an assignment for him.”

He thought for a moment, _“Not that I’m aware of. If you want to take him, I don’t have any objections. Now if you’ll excuse me, Kathryn I have some other matters to attend to.”_

“Of course, Janeway out.”


	8. Chapter 8

She reached out to the Doctor, advising him of his new assignment. He understood her reasons, her concerns as to why she needed him to be there. He then encouraged her once again to speak with Chakotay, even though he had yet to have come up with a treatment for her condition. She was reluctant to discuss it, the topic conjuring up painful memories, especially over what happened last time. It was already a painful topic for both, but he would certainly know about it sooner rather than later, and it was better if the information came from her. 

She was already waiting for him in his apartment, having gotten to leave her office an hour early, an extremely rare occurrence. Dinner was waiting in the replicator, one of his favorite dishes. She wasn’t angry, he may have been advised to keep the information to himself, or he’d just been given the orders early this morning. He had left a note for her when she awoke at zero seven hundred advising her that he had been called in for an early meeting but did not specify as to where it would be. The flowers might have been the only clue he could safely leave her. 

He was surprised when he saw her sitting on the sofa, holding a cup of what she would refer to as the greatest organic suspension ever devised. The look on her face telling him she wasn’t exactly happy but wasn’t angry either, “I’m surprised to see you home so early. Usually, I must call your office to remind you of the time,” he said moving over to sit next to her.

“I was hoping to talk to you about the mission tomorrow.”

His head bowed, knowing the subject would arise, and most likely when she arrived home. However, he thought he would have more time to help cushion the blow, looking up at her he said, “I know this came as a surprise to you, it did to me as well when I was asked to command Voyager. Although, I had been exploring the idea of going back into space. That temporary assignment on the Aurora reminded me how much I missed it if you can believe it.”

She looked up at him and smiled, “I can, I miss it too.”

“You’d think we’d have grown tired of it after all those years.”

“One might think, but you and I weren’t meant to sit behind a desk for the rest of our lives. We were meant to be out there,” her eyes looked up briefly as if she could see all the wonders of the universe hovering above her before settling back to his.

“Where does that leave us?”

“In a very precarious situation.”

They both fell silent, thinking, considering options.

“There is something we could do, but I hadn’t considered it because I’m happy with the way things are, and since we’ve never discussed it.”

She stared at him, seeming to already know what he was thinking, “Marriage.”

He nodded, “As a couple, Starfleet does post their assignments based on an individual’s marital status. It would certainly guarantee we’d be together on any long-term assignments.”

“It would,” she agreed, “but is that really the answer?”

“It’s not the only answer.”

“I’ve not had the best track record when it comes to engagements,” she said looking back down at the cup in her hands.

“Engagements?”

She signed, “I’d been engaged once before Mark…he died.”

His heart went out to her and put a hand on her knee, “I’m so sorry Kathryn.”

Tears stung at her eyes briefly but blinked them away before he could notice. “Well, that’s all past now,” trying to sound as if she’d put that painful part of her history behind her, and she had to a point before taking another sip from her mug.

“I have a radical suggestion,” she nodded for him to continue, “Speaking for myself, I can’t see anything that would tear us apart other than one of our deaths, and that’s not something I’m willing to consider,” inwardly she shuttered at the thought, “If you feel the same way I do, let’s not bother with a long engagement if you want to consider getting married. We could plan a small private ceremony when we return from this mission and set a date.”

If she were being completely honest with herself, her heart couldn’t imagine the day they’d ever separate, but her mind was calling for caution. Rushing into a quick marriage seemed foolhardy, even though she knew he’d only suggested it based on her fear of previous experiences with long engagements, “I…will need to give that suggestion a little more consideration.”

“Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere Kathryn, and to tell the truth I don’t care if we ever get married. The only thing we seem to be lacking based on our current relationship is the certificate making it official as far as I’m concerned.”

She agreed, feeling the same way. It was a choice that would have to be decided on eventually, for now, it was just enough to be here with him. Even knowing the subject of what she’d have to tell him next, and it was important he know. Putting her cup down on the table, she took his hand in hers and captured his eyes with her own, “I spoke with the Doctor today and I’ve requested he join us on this mission. Admiral Hastings approved the request.”

He nodded, not entirely understanding why she felt it was necessary, “I not going to question your reasons as to why you need him there, but don’t you think it would be better for him to stay at Starfleet Medical so he can continue to work on a cure for your condition?”

“Under normal circumstances, I would, but he discovered something during my examine last week which has him concerned.”

He was immediately concerned, fearful, but trying to hide it, “What did he say?”

She didn’t relish hiding this from him but based on their previous experience she knew it wouldn’t bode well. Taking a deep breath, she answered, “I’m three weeks pregnant.”

She could see the wheels turning behind his eyes as he began to process the information, stunning him with the revelation. Releasing a long cleansing breath, he replied, “Kathryn…I…knew we shouldn’t have…not after last time.”

Based on the Doctor’s results from Chakotay’s examination, the cure they’d both received had been slowly changing him over time, but not in the same way it did her. Instead of changing his immune responses as it had done hers, he was more like a Typhoid Mary. Any contagion he’d managed to pick up increased its potency to infect others. Which explained how the ship-wide virus that occurred years ago had spread so quickly. Overwhelming the immune system of anyone who’s blood chemistry shared certain common blood factors to humans. 

It also had the same effect with his sperm, seeming to ignore any barriers that would have normally rendered it inert. They realized this only after she’d gotten pregnant the last time, the birth control shots they’d been taking no longer able to do its job. Her miscarriage seven weeks later only seemed to drive that realization home. 

Gripping his hands firmly, she tried to bring his attention back to her, “I knew the risks Chakotay when I asked you to make love to me.”

His attention was certainly focused on her now, “That doesn’t make it better,” he stood up and took a few steps away before turning back around, “I should have continued to resist. I’m not prepared to go through that again. Seeing you that way, all the blood, the pain you were in. Knowing our child was leaving you and there was nothing I could do to stop it,” he took on a faraway look for a moment before speaking again, “The power you hold over me Kathryn makes you impossible to resist. My body craves your touch, it’s almost like it’s been programmed into my damn DNA,” he was suddenly angry with himself, “And I let it happen, I gave you exactly what you wanted.”

She sat quietly, letting him talk. There was nothing she could say now which would make him feel any better about the situation or the events leading up to it. She had persisted, cajoled, even pleaded for his touch that night. It wasn’t something she was proud of, but he had the same effect on her he himself was describing. When he was close at times, an almost debilitating urge would come over her. Despite what her mind was cautioning. 

It had been over a month since they’d made love, and merely touching and kissing each other to satisfy their urges wasn’t enough for her that night. She needed to feel him inside her, the weight of him pressing against her. She craved it more than anything, having missed it for so long. 

He had resisted, put up a hell of a fight as he continued to admonish the idea, and found herself both admiring his willpower and abhorring it at the same time. Wearing him down with soft kisses, caresses, promises, until his will was broken, giving her no less than what he himself already desired.

“I don’t know how to feel about this. Part of me aches with joy knowing that you’re pregnant, hoping against hope everything will somehow work out this time. The other part knows better and is already weeping over the loss we both know is going to happen. I’m not sure how to make peace with this.”

The tears stung at her eyes, threatening to spill over. Almost at a whisper too low for him to hear she answered, “Neither do I.”

At that moment, he realized he was being entirely selfish and hypocritical. He wanted her just as much that night, and it was nearly impossible for him to deny her anything. The only thing that kept him resisting for so long was fear. It wasn’t a guarantee she would become pregnant if they surrendered to desire and made love, but he couldn’t rule out the possibility either.

The thoughts kept swirling in his mind as her hands and mouth manipulated him, assaulting his senses. Her words pleading, alluring, chipping away at his will to touch her in the most intimate way, dismantling his defenses a piece at a time until all that was left was an unquenchable hunger to mollify and assuage every desire she had. He had allowed it to happen as much as she did. He could have gotten up and gone into the other room once he’d realized how she meant for him to appease her, but he didn’t. He wanted her to break him. 

The tears in her eyes fell as he sat down beside her, matching the ones in his own. Taking her into his arms, part of him expected her to resist but she allowed it. Holding her close he said, “I’m so sorry Kathryn. I allowed you to think this happened solely because of you, and that’s not true. I wanted you, had been wanting you for quite some time. 

“There were a couple of times before that night I wanted to do the same thing. I came so close while we were satisfying each other to just pushing you down and taking you right then. I still don’t know how I stopped myself. I think deep down I just needed you to give me a reason to make it okay, even though I knew it wasn’t.”

She gently removed herself from his embrace before taking him into hers. Needing to wrap her arms around him, pull him against her. “It doesn’t matter how it happened or why. I just need you to be here no matter the outcome.”

He pulled back so he could see her eyes, it was vital she understood how much he loved and needed her. Taking her face in his hands he whispered, “Always,” before pressing his lips tenderly to hers. 

***

Chakotay had gone directly to the bridge when they arrived on Voyager, the Doctor went to sickbay. Her assistant Victoria headed to what would be the admiral's office and quarters while she was on board before checking her own quarters next door. Janeway decided to head down to engineering to see B’Elanna first and discuss the slipstream drive before heading to astrometrics, then to the bridge.

Voyager looked almost the way she remembered, except for a few changes thanks to the upgrades she’s been receiving over the last year. This would be Voyager’s first mission since returning from the delta quadrant. It brought back a lot of good and painful memories, mostly good. 

Taking the turbolift to deck eleven, her mind wandered for a moment, thinking about the idea Chakotay had suggested about marriage. The thought of it made her heart start beating a little faster, her chest getting tighter and making the air come in shorter breaths. She wasn’t sure why the idea filled her with trepidation. Wasn’t it just the natural conclusion in the evolution of their relationship? They were already committed to one another and had no plans to change that status. So why was taking the next step giving her pause? Before she could continue the line of thinking, the doors to the lift opened. 

Entering through the doors of engineering, she wanted to get a look at the new slipstream drive upon entering the room, and what she saw was impressive. It looked slightly different from the one they’d built three years ago. Once she was fully in the room, a voice to her left stood at attention and shouted, “Admiral on the deck!”

She looked to the crewman with a slight smile and said, “As you were,” the young man then went back to work. 

“Admiral,” B’Elanna stated as she approached, her belly protruding slightly ahead of her. 

“Commander, it’s good to see you, and with child no less,” Without thought, her hand went to her own stomach for a moment. 

She smiled, her hands sliding down to rub her belly, “Tom and I decided to have another one, not sure what I was thinking. Miral is such a little handful.”

Janeway smiled, “If she’s anything like her mother I can see that.”

B’Elanna returned the smile, “Tom is here, have you seen him yet?”

Slightly confused, she hadn’t seen his name on the crew roster, but considering how quickly the mission had been put together, it wasn’t surprising that a few last-minute replacements would be made. Her assistant would have the most updated roster by now, giving her a chance to review it again by the time she returned to her office. “I wasn’t aware he would be present.”

“It was a last-minute change. Commander K’Vol was called back to Vulcan, family emergency. Tom got the news a couple of hours ago; I can see how you might not have been informed yet.”

Janeway nodded, “I look forward to seeing him. How is Miral? I haven’t seen her since she was an infant.”

B'Elanna's lips curled into a half-smile, “She broke another child’s nose last week at daycare. The boy in question wouldn’t hand over the toy he was playing with. She decided to take it by force.”

“Definitely like her mother,” Janeway laughed, “I hope the poor boy is alright.”

Laughing, “He’s fine thank goodness, but now he tends to run when he sees her coming.”

Her smile lingered for a moment before pointing to the slipstream drive and asking, “So what did we do wrong three years ago?”

B’Elanna turned toward the drive and Janeway followed, “At the time, all tests indicated that we tune the slipstream to the exact phase variance of the vortex. What we didn’t realize then, is at the heart of the vortex is an inverse variance that runs counterpoint, a kind of yin and yang if you will. We had to design an adapter that could not only adjust those variances and bring them into alignment but keep them in balance. Based on what we knew at the time, Harry’s idea to map the stream ahead of Voyager was a good one, but until we discovered how important the inverse variance of the vortex was, we couldn’t see why our attempt failed at the time.”

“I’ve been advised that all subsequent tests have been successful since then.”

“Yes, Admiral,” she assured, “I was on Voyager when we conducted the first test.”

“I’m sure Tom was thrilled about that,” Janeway remarked.

“He wasn’t happy, but he’s just as aware of the dangers we have to face as members of the fleet. Progress isn’t always easy, sometimes you must take risks. You know that better than anyone.”

And she did. Nodding, she said, “I’d like a report on my desk of the new slipstream drive mechanics by fifteen hundred.”

“Yes, Admiral,” as Janeway turned to leave B’Elanna called out, “Give my regards to Harry and Chakotay for me, I haven’t had time to see them yet.”

“I will Commander, carry on,” she replied walking toward the door and raised her hand, giving it a slight wave. 

***

Heading into astrometrics, she was surprised to see Icheb standing in Seven’s former post and smiled.

“Admiral Janeway,” he greeted.

“Ensign Icheb, how is Academy life treating you?” She asked smiling.

He returned the smile, “Fine Admiral, I must say however that Captain Chakotay can be a tough professor to please.”

“Oh?”

“His course in planetary expedition was extremely challenging but interesting. However, his expectations were no less than that of the Borg, perfection.”

She laughed, “Don’t take it too personally Ensign, I’m sure he had all his students' best interest at heart. Besides,” she continued in a playful conspiratorial tone, “he may have been just a little intimidated considering you would expect nothing less.” He nodded, his lips spreading into a wide smile as the doors behind them opened.

“Icheb, I just received the latest star charts for the area surrounding the badlands from stellar cartography…” He stopped when he looked up to see Janeway standing next to Icheb, the smile he’d been sporting instantly disappeared and was replaced by brief surprise, “Admiral Janeway,” He’d noticed her hair was pulled back again into the chignon he thought suited her, the vice-admiral bars prominent on the collar of the grey, red, and black uniform she wore. He’d tried to put her out of his mind, forget what they’d done. At times he thought it was almost possible but seeing her standing there brought all his feelings back into focus. He knew he’d already fallen in love with her months ago, and there was no point in continuing to try and deny it to himself, “I didn’t mean to intrude.”

She’d managed to hide her reaction but was no less surprised to see him. Reminding her that every misdeed seems to be continually punished. Maintaining her professional demeanor, she gave a casual wave of her hand and replied, “Not at all. Lieutenant, I was hoping to see the latest projections of the spacial rift.”

He approached the console, and she stepped aside to allow him access. He began tapping in commands from the padd in his hand. Icheb was immediately struck by the abrupt and uncomfortable shift to tension in the room, making him feel as though he’d just walked in on something, “The latest projections from stellar cartography indicate the rate of the expansion coefficient has just increased by one meter per hour. Once we’re within range, we’ll not only be able to provide a more accurate reading, but we’ll be better equipped to anticipate those changes. So, by the time, we reach the rift the circumference should be…” He began doing the calculations.

“Twenty-five point nine meters if the rate of expansion remains constant over the next eight hours,” Janeway answered without hesitation.

It was the exact number he got, he was impressed, “Admiral, did you just calculate that in your head?” Runningwolf asked.

“Yes, and I haven’t had my morning coffee yet,” she stated, “I’ll be on the bridge, keep me informed,” Turning to Icheb she said, “It was nice seeing you, Ensign.”

“You too Admiral.”

She gave a nod to Runningwolf, “Lieutenant,” as she turned and left. 

Once she had been gone a few minutes, and the banter had not returned but the tension remained, Icheb said, “I’m getting the impression you and the admiral have met before. You seemed uncomfortable upon realizing she was in the room.”

The feeling hadn’t had time to depart, now it was worse once he’d broached the subject. “You noticed that huh?”

“Did something happen?” He asked curiously.

“Let’s just say when I met the admiral several months ago, she wasn’t exactly pleased with the reasons for that meeting.”

Icheb raised an eyebrow, “Might I inquire as to how that meeting occurred?” 

“I would prefer that you didn’t,” he replied with a sigh, he would do everything he could to keep his promise, even if it meant making himself look bad, “It was an uncomfortable situation for me, I’d embarrassed myself in front of her and I rather not go into detail about it. You know what that’s like right? Meeting someone you admire then making an ass of yourself?” He looked to Icheb who had a blank expression on his face, “I guess you haven’t.”

“I’ve had the benefit of being able to learn from and observe Admiral Janeway during our time on Voyager. She expects a great deal from those who serve under her but continues to hold a higher standard for herself. For her to hold a grudge the circumstances would have to be extreme. I’d found her to be approachable when she was still captain and seemed to always be quite interested in her crew’s wellbeing. However, I have also come to understand that Admiral Janeway’s approach on Voyager changed due to the nature of our predicament. Perhaps now that she is an Admiral and not cut off from Starfleet any longer, there is an expectation to keep more of a professional distance than what our previous circumstances required.”

Listening to the way he described her, only served to strengthen his admiration and love for her, “So, what you’re saying is I shouldn’t take it too personally.”

“Admiral Janeway can be quite forgiving. If you feel driven to apologize for any transgression you believe occurred, I’m certain she would understand.”

“I might just do that Icheb, thanks,” he replied with a smile, “for now, perhaps we should get back to work.” 

He agreed and refocused his attention back to the data. As Jason began to return to his work, thought about his position as the chief science officer assigned to this mission after his predecessor, a colleague, couldn’t take the assignment on such short notice, recommending him instead. He couldn’t say no without providing a good reason, and he didn’t have one he was willing to part with. 

It would be impossible to avoid having to report to her, including his captain. He’d heard through the Starfleet grapevine that they were a couple. It didn’t surprise him, knowing from experience how she already felt about him. He remembered being happy for her, but after acknowledging and accepting his feelings, the thought only seemed to torment him, especially since there was no way he would or could ever act on it. This was going to be the longest and most uncomfortable posting of his life.


	9. Chapter 9

On her way up to the bridge, and after the surprise in astrometrics, she contacted her assistant to determine if there were any new officers, she should be aware of and was informed there were. However, this was one person she looked forward to seeing.

Stepping on the bridge, Lieutenant Kim stood at attention stated, “Admiral on the deck!” 

Her lips curled into a half-smile, “At ease, before you sprain something.” Harry gave her a wide smile.

“How are you, Admiral?”

“Just fine Harry, and yourself?”

“Can’t complain.” Then she turned to see one of her oldest and dearest friends standing behind tactical, “Commander Tuvok, it’s so good to see you. I hope T’Pel was able to join you, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her.”

“She is currently in our quarters meditating.”

“Perhaps we can all meet for dinner later if time allows.”

Tuvok nodded, “Indeed.”

The smile stayed on her lips as she greeted Chakotay’s first officer, “Commander Tom Paris, I just left your wife down in engineering.”

“Yes ma’am, I tried to talk her out of it, but you know B’Elanna.”

She laughed, “Well it’s good to see you, Tom, I hope you don’t manage to lose a pip on this mission Commander,” she teased.

He returned the easy smile, “I’ve learned my lesson since then.”

“I hope so, for the Captain’s sake,” and gave a smile to Chakotay. It was almost like old times. 

Chakotay stepped up and gestured to the helmsman. “Allow me to introduce Lieutenant Sara Sulu.”

She turned toward her, noticing the beautiful young woman who resembled her grandfather. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” and offered her hand.  
The young woman took it and smiled, “It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Admiral. I must confess I’ve always wanted to meet you. What you did, getting your ship and crew home was inspirational to me.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant, but I can’t take all the credit. I had the finest crew any captain could have wished for,” she replied with a smile, which made Sulu return it. Turning back to the bridge crew she said, “Captain Chakotay, I believe the ship is yours.”

“Aye, Admiral,” a smile still lingering on his lips.

Janeway relieved the officer currently at the science station and took their place, logging into the console. 

“Status,” Chakotay ordered taking his seat, and a round of voices, in turn, gave the green lights reporting all stations go. “Alright, Lieutenant Sulu, take us out.”

“Aye Captain,” the woman’s nimble fingers tapped the controls like a maestro, “Docking clamps released, backing out of drydock,” after a few moments she called, “we’re clear.”

“Full impulse while engineering brings the slipstream drive online. Once that’s been engaged it should take no longer than eight hours to reach the badlands,” Chakotay said. 

After they’d moved a fair distance away from Earth’s dry dock station, B’Elanna called up from engineering to advise slipstream was online and ready to go.

Looking to Sulu, he said, “Disengage full impulse and active slipstream drive.”

“Aye Captain, ready on your orders.”

“Engage.”

They went off like a shot, it seemed faster than possible. Harry kept checking the variances, making sure they weren’t in danger of being phased out. “The vortex is stable Captain.”

“Good, let’s keep it that way.” He said staring at the viewscreen as he viewed the pattern of the vortex, so far so good. 

Admiral Janeway continued to run projections on the spatial rift from her station. Trying to determine if there were anything within those calculations that may have been overlooked. She became so focused that she’d completely lost track of time. It wasn’t until she heard Chakotay’s gentle voice that she stopped reviewing the data, “Join me for lunch Kathryn?” 

She looked up at him and nodded with a smile. Logging out of the console, she relinquished the station to another crew member before following Chakotay to the turbolift. 

“You have the bridge Commander,” Chakotay said.

“Aye, Aye Captain,” Paris replied.

***

They headed for the mess hall, forgetting that the Captain’s private dining room had been restored. It was force of habit as they headed for what would have been Neelix’s counter, only to see a row of replicators before them. Making them both a touch melancholy, reminding them that Neelix was no longer with them and living on New Talax. 

They both ordered something and were surprised when they turned around to see the Doctor and Seven of Nine sitting across from each other. When she’d asked her assistant if there were any new officers on board, she should have been more specific in her request. She never disliked Seven, that would be childish. Her and Chakotay’s previous relationship was something that happened, and she’d made peace with it. 

Seven and Chakotay had parted on good terms, and she had contacted Seven to see how she was fairing now that she was on Earth. Her aunt Irene was a lovely woman, and Seven seemed to be quite fond of her. She couldn’t have been happier, surprised by how quickly her old maternal feelings returned, after all, it’s hard to stop caring about someone you’ve felt close to. 

What continued to surprise them was the way they were speaking to each other, leaning toward each other slightly, the Doctor’s hand covering hers on the table, the slight smile on her lips as she stared at him. Chakotay lightly grasped Janeway’s elbow and steered them toward the table, he was curious, and she had to admit she was too. 

“Are these seats taken?” Chakotay asked.

They appeared a bit startled having been pulled from their own little world before lifting their faces, greeting them with friendly smiles. “Admiral, Captain, please join us,” the Doctor said moving over to sit next to Seven. 

Once they’d sat down, Chakotay noticed something odd on Seven’s hand, almost blending in with the Borg plating that lined her slim fingers. He stopped, realizing what it was. Then in disbelief, he said quietly, “You and Seven?”

“Don’t act so surprised Captain, we have had a close relationship over the years,” he replied.

It took a moment for Janeway to realize what they were talking about, but when she did, she reached out and gently grasped Seven’s hand, feeling a little stunned by the revelation, “Congratulations.” 

“Thank you, Admiral,” Seven replied with a shy smile.

“You never mentioned that the two of you were even dating, were you ever going to tell us?” Chakotay asked.

“That was my decision, I made the Doctor promise not to tell anyone until I was certain where our relationship would lead. It was unfortunate that my previous relationship with you became such an uncomfortable public spectacle that I didn’t want to relive the experience,” Seven explained, “However, I am extremely pleased that the two of you have finally found each other. I’d suspected for years you would in time.”

Both appeared surprised, “You knew before we started dating how I felt about the Admiral?” Chakotay asked.

“Precisely,” she replied looking to Chakotay, “I also knew she would have never allowed herself to dismiss protocol to consider anything further. One of the lessons the Doctor taught me, is that there is nothing sadder than a missed opportunity. I took it upon myself to construct a scenario that I fully expected would ultimately force the issue. When Voyager returned home, it was an unexpected but conducive development,” her voice took on a softer tone, “I did enjoy our time together Captain, but I knew it was the best way to facilitate success. I care for you both,” she looked to Janeway, “Especially you Admiral, you gave me this life, mentored me, guided me by your example. I will always be grateful to you, and this was the best way I could efficiently cultivate the chance for both your happiness. I apologize for the deception, and the discomfort it may have caused you.”

She did it for us Janeway thought. Anger began to rise briefly, knowing that Seven’s relationship with Chakotay had only served to partially fuel the hurt and pain she was feeling at the time. The culmination leading her to make one of the worst personal decisions of her life, but quickly diffused it. It wasn’t Seven’s or anyone else’s fault she behaved inappropriately; she had come to that decision on her own. Instead, she smiled at her, and through that smile, conveyed her thanks. Chakotay’s hurt ego would be another matter, but in time that too would be quelled.

***

After lunch, Janeway headed back to her office where Victoria was waiting for her with several reports along with a cup of coffee. In about three hours they would reach the rift and hopefully determine the cause. 

Once she’d read Lieutenant Runningwolf’s request, she tapped her com badge. “Janeway to Runningwolf.”

It took a few seconds before he replied, _“Runningwolf here.”_

“Please report to my office.”

_“On my way Admiral.”_

When he arrived, her assistant Victoria greeted him and took him inside the waiting area where her own desk was before announcing his arrival, “Admiral, Lieutenant Runningwolf is here.”

“Send him in.”

Stepping in she gestured for him to take a seat, which he did, and the door swished closed behind him. He was uncomfortable, and it was obvious, even though he was desperately trying to hide it. She had been so focused on the data scrolling across the terminal angled to the side of her that she hadn’t noticed it at first, but when she looked up, she was finding it difficult to miss. Finding the padd on her desk, she held it up and said, “I have to say this is certainly a record. You’ve only been the chief science officer for less than five hours and you’re requesting a replacement?”

“Yes, Admiral.”

She frowned slightly, “I know our first meeting was…complicated,” She said finally, “However, Lieutenant, this posting is a wonderful opportunity for you. Asking you to forget what happened is unrealistic, I know that, but you shouldn’t let it affect your duty as a Starfleet officer. I’m inclined, for your own sake, to ask Captain Chakotay to decline this request. He’ll want to know why you believe you're unfit for the job when you have the knowledge and experience that says otherwise.”

He hadn’t considered that, thinking that the Admiral would be just as happy to be relieved of the reminder as he was. That she would just find a way to grant his request. It was becoming obvious it wasn’t going to be that simple. “Permission to speak freely Admiral?” She nodded, “You can’t be comfortable with this? I just assumed you would be just as happy to see me fade into the background for the remainder of this mission.”

“It’s not about comfort Lieutenant, it’s about duty. I’ve found a way to make peace with the situation, you need to find a way to do the same,” the words stung, “I’m going to deny your request.”

He stood up quickly, startling her. Placing his hands on the edge of her desk he nearly shouted, “You can’t do that.”

The door opened to her office, and Victoria hovered in the doorway, a phaser concealed against her leg. Janeway raised a hand, indicating that she had the situation under control. Standing to face him, she placed her hands on the edge of her desk. Her voice dropping to a low even tone, one that came forth when her authority was being challenged, “I can, and I will.”

He dropped back into the chair, desperation taking over as he dropped his face in his hands. Janeway looked confused by the unexpected reaction, then waved her hand again to Victoria, indicating that she gives them privacy and she did, allowing the door to close again. Stepping out from behind the desk, she made her way around to the side and stood next to it, her hand resting on the edge. The reaction to her decision seemed to hit him on an entirely personal level.

Once she’d let him have a moment to try and calm himself, she said carefully, “Do you need to talk about this?” She wasn’t prepared to ever have this conversation but based on his reaction decided that he was still harboring some strong feelings about it.

“I…” his voice was choked with emotion, “I don’t know how to make peace with this.”

Her heart went out to him. She had no idea that their night together would have ever had any impact on him the way it had on her. What she didn’t understand was why? He was young, handsome, most likely had plenty of women who’d shown him interest before and after their brief association. She didn’t consider herself to be any prize. Why was it bothering him so much? He wasn’t trying to just spare her feelings but his own. Was he feeling guilty? Ashamed? Was seeing her just another reminder of his own indiscretion?

“Lieutenant,” she spoke softly, “Are you feeling guilt over what happened?”

He shook his head slightly, which only added to her confusion.

“Are you feeling shame? Regret?”

Again, he shook his head. She didn’t know what else it could be. Only adding yet another level to her confusion.

“Then I’m afraid I’m at a loss unless you tell me what’s bothering you,” she stated, trying to understand where these chaotic feelings were coming from.

“I assumed that if we ever met again, you would see right through me. I must be hiding it better than I thought,” he said then sat up, looking defeated, contemplative.

“See what Lieutenant?” She asked perplexed by his statement, and an inexplicable feeling of apprehension followed, a wave of numbness started from the top of her head and traveled to her feet, rooting her to the spot as she waited for his response.

A wry smile spread across his lips, “That I’m in love with you.”

That was the moment her mind shut down, unable to immediately process the words he’d spoken so openly. 

“I tried to forget you, move on, but the way we were together that night and the morning that followed made it impossible for me. I just couldn’t stop thinking about you, even knowing there was no way there could ever be anything between us,” he laughed bitterly, “I never thought I would ever be having this conversation with you, much less ever see you again,” he took a much-needed breath, “So now you know why I requested to be removed as the chief science officer.”

She was still trying to process what he was saying, the words making little sense. This couldn’t be happening, could it? “Lieutenant, I’m…” Flattered? Horrified? Concerned?

“You don’t have to say anything. This is my problem, not yours. I know you and Captain Chakotay are a couple, and I wouldn’t dare do anything to try and come between you. If I were foolish enough to try, I know it would be the captain every time. I certainly didn’t know how you felt about him until that night,” he said the last sentence without thought, then cursed himself vehemently for saying it, hoping that in her stunned state she had missed it, she didn’t.

Her eyes focused on his, coming back to life, “I talked to you about him?”

If he weren’t already uncomfortable and ready to run for the nearest airlock, this certainly would have motivated him. Her eyes were hard, demanding an answer. “Not…exactly.”

“What does that mean? Not exactly.”

He shook his head, not wanting to answer, “Forget I said it, Admiral, I’m sorry for saying anything.” She took a couple of steps forward, her body tense. For such a petite woman, she was unequivocally intimidating and formidable. He found himself backing up, even though he was at least a foot taller and nearly double her mass, right into the wall behind him, “Alright,” He almost shouted, his hands placed in front of him as a makeshift barrier, “You said…” God this was embarrassing and unbelievably difficult, “while you were in the middle of…” he thought he was doing to die, just drop down dead on the floor in front of her, “your release… you said Chakotay…I love you.” There, he’d finally managed to get out the words before he’d either dropped dead or she killed him. 

Several complex emotions crossed her face, almost as if she were an android and malfunctioning. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen, the details of her expressions giving him no usable clues. After a few seconds, her face became hard as stone, and in a soft low voice that left no doubt as to how she was feeling said, “Get out.”

He slipped past her and out the door, afraid to look back.


	10. Chapter 10

“Okay Sara,” Harry said trying to stifle his laughter and losing, “I was doing a pretty good job of holding myself together until he said without skipping a beat, ‘that’s nice B’Elanna, but can you please beam down my clothes?’ classic Tom Paris,” then he couldn’t hold back, laughing fully.

“That was long ago in a quadrant far, far away,” Paris defended, a smirk on his lips, “Besides, she did beam them down…eventually,” then laughed.

Chakotay was trying to hold back his own laughter. He shouldn’t have allowed it to continue, but it was nice to have some of the family back together, “I hope your com badge was well placed,” he commented. 

Sara covered her mouth, trying to hide the fact that she was losing the plot as she stared at the other bridge officers. 

“I’ve always wondered Chakotay,” Paris began, “what exactly happened between you and the Admiral when we were on that planet with those massive purple trees?” The name of the planet was eluding him, and he turned to Harry, but it was Tuvok who answered.

“I believe the planet you are thinking of is Neria.”

Paris snapped his fingers, “That’s right, you and the Admiral were stuck at the top of one of the trees, and we had to use the flyer to rescue you since our transporters wouldn’t work in the atmosphere. You were hanging on to each other and the tree for dear life. Why were you both up there in the first place?”

Chakotay smiled, remembering it well, “Coffee.”

“Coffee?” He repeated, the simplistic response did not give enough of an answer.

“She saw berries similar in color growing in bunches under the leaves of the tree-like coffee beans do. She thought, or hoped rather, that they were the delta quadrants equivalent.”

“And were they?” Sara asked curiously.

“No, we went through a lot of effort to get up there and came away with one bunch of the berries, only to find out later that they tasted like spoiled milk. At that point, I don’t think the Admiral touched coffee for at least a week after that,” he explained.

“That’s all very interesting Chakotay, but that doesn’t explain why both your uniforms were ripped,” Paris stated.

Chakotay shot him a look, “We were climbing a tree, Tom, of course, our uniforms would get ripped.”

“But it was the way they were ripped is what I’m questioning,” he wiggled his eyebrows.

Rolling his eyes, he replied, “I’m afraid in this case your imagination has led you in the wrong direction, again.”

“I often find that to be the case where Mister Paris is concerned,” Tuvok added.

The bridge erupted in laughter, “Thanks Tuvok,” he said trying to look annoyed, but the hint of a smile on his lips betrayed him.

“If you ever want to try and get on the Admirals good side Sara,” Harry spoke up, “bring her coffee, she loves it more than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“I’ll have to remember that thanks Harry,” she replied with a smile.

The doors to the turbolift opened and Lieutenant Runningwolf exited, heading straight for Chakotay. “Captain, I know this isn’t how your time is requested, but I really need to talk to you if you can spare a few minutes.”

Chakotay eyed him curiously and could see he was highly agitated and afraid. It was the fear in his eyes that really seemed to capture his attention. Gesturing to his ready room, the man turned and headed toward it with Chakotay just behind him, “You have the bridge Commander.”

“Aye, Captain,” Paris acknowledged, noticing, as they all had, the immediate change of tone in the room the man’s presence provided. 

Once they were inside, he couldn’t help but notice how the young man’s terror seemed to increase, concerning him greatly. Putting up his hands in a calming gesture he said diplomatically, “Okay Lieutenant, try and take deep breaths.”

He took the suggestion and began to breathe in through his nose and out of his mouth, trying to calm himself. After just leaving the Admirals office, he wanted to speak to Chakotay against his better judgment of self-preservation, but it was already too late for that. He’d just created a situation with the Admiral that was out of his control and if anyone could rein in the potential explosion it would be him. He had to get to him first before she did. “Sir, I really messed things up with the Admiral, and if anyone can smooth the situation it’s you.”

“Slow down Lieutenant,” he replied calmly, “tell me what happened.”

The young man groaned, knowing he would have to tell him, knowing that the information would anger and upset him, but hoped that he would continue to maintain his near-legendary calm after he’d learned what he was about to say, and see this wasn’t just about him but more about her, someone they both loved, “I requested that the Admiral have me relieved as chief science officer, she refused.”

He nodded, “I don’t blame her, you’re more than qualified for the job.”

“Yeah…well, there’s a personal reason as to why I made that request,” he began wringing his hands, unsure as to what to do with them.

“Are you going to make me guess?”

Blurting out the answer seemed preferable than drawing out the inevitable. He’d tried that with the Admiral, and it didn’t work out so well. He suspected that any way he chose to disclose the information would garner the same reaction, “I’m in love with her sir.”

Chakotay cocked his head to the side, almost as if he hadn’t heard him correctly, “You want to run that by me one more time Lieutenant?”

“Don’t make me repeat it, sir, this is hard enough as it is,” he pleaded.

He took a breath and nodded, “You told her this?” And the young man nodded. Chakotay shook his head, trying to clear it, “I don’t know if you’re one of the gutsiest guys I’ve ever met or just a glutton for punishment,” Jason seemed to agree, unsure as to which side of the line he fell, “How did she react?”

“Surprisingly well given the circumstances.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem…” He replied looking around the room for a place to take refuge once he’d revealed the next piece of information to this little opus, “The problem is I don’t know when to keep my big mouth shut, much like now. I know the two of you are a couple, I knew how she felt about you before the two of you started seeing each other.”

Realization seemed to dawn in Chakotay’s eyes, “You’re the guy she slept with,” he said stunned, numb.

“Yes, I would never say I regretted that night, but I know she does, and I accept that. It was stupid of me to tell her how I felt and that I knew how she felt about you even then.”

He shook his head rapidly and in short succession, his eyes looking up to the ceiling briefly before settling down to see his defeated and horrified expression, “She told you how she felt about me?”

“Not directly…she called out your name and said she loved you while we were…”

He put his hand out, stopping him from trying to attempt to finish that sentence, “I get the picture.”

“I thought she was going to massacre me, and to be honest I’m surprised you haven’t yet.”

Chakotay sighed, “If this same situation happened eight years ago, I would have. You and I would be fighting until one of us was either dead or broken on the floor, but I’m not that man anymore. As much as my baser instincts would like to indulge those feelings, I can’t condone them. I’m not happy about this, or what happened between the two of you, but on some level, I can understand how both of you are feeling.”

“What would you like me to do, sir?”

He thought for a moment before saying anything, “Go back to your post. I’ll take it from here.”

“Sir?” He quired, questioning the wisdom of his decision.

“You opened this can of worms Lieutenant, and now you have to live with the consequences, just like the rest of us,” He answered firmly. “Dismissed.”

Jason left quickly. Once he had, Chakotay asked the computer where Janeway’s current location was. It didn’t take long before the computer advised her quarters.

***

He thought about ringing the chime, but decided against it, knowing she probably wouldn’t answer it if he had. Using the access code, she’d given him, he headed inside. The room was dark, except for the external lights filtering in through the windows. Peering into the room, he was trying to find something that matched her shape and found nothing. “Kathryn?” He called softly.

“I’m here,” she said next to him, startling him for a moment.

Turning to look, he had to lower his eyes to see her sitting in the corner, her knees drawn up in front of her, arms crossed and resting on her knees. Her head was leaning back against the wall, eyes closed. “Are you alright?”

“I’m not sure,” she answered softly, honestly.

Offering her his hand, she took it and helped her to her feet, “I just had an uncomfortable conversation.”

“Anyone, I know?” She asked, trying to infuse a little humor. 

He was thinking the word ‘biblically’, and if it were anyone else he might have said it, but this was a woman he loved deeply, the word only adding further heat to a tense situation, “Lieutenant Runningwolf.”

If he could see her clearly, he would have been able to notice how the mention of his name brought fire to her cheeks. She turned away, toward the windows, “That didn’t take long,” she attempted to say calmly, keeping her voice even, but it was hard around Chakotay. He always seemed to be able to bring every feeling she didn’t want him to know to the surface. 

He approached and placed his hands on her shoulders. Immediately he could feel the tension in them, she was like a cat ready to pounce, “We don’t have to talk about this right now, but we should.”

She could hear the subtle insistence of his tone, but she didn’t want to think about it. Not about what she’d done, how that one night seemed to be coming back to continuously haunt and punish her, and definitely not about Lieutenant Jason Runningwolf and his admission of love or how she had cried out Chakotay’s name and admitted her feelings unknowingly to him. She needed a moment of distraction, something to suppress all the mixed emotions running freely through her. 

Before considering any other options, she went with the first thing that came to her head. Knowing that it would allow her to temporarily let go and refocus her attention solely on the man behind her, on how he made her feel when they were alone together. 

Quickly, before reason could reapply itself and change her mind, she turned and pushed him back against the wall. He was surprised as her mouth began to assault his, her hand sliding down his torso and cupping his groin. He moaned against her mouth, invoking instant desire. Turning them around so her back was now facing the wall, he began to quickly try and unfasten her pants as her hands struggled to do the same to his. Their hands getting in each other’s way.

She toed off her boots and kicked them across the room as he’d finally managed to get her pants unfastened and began pushing them off. She pushed his down, stepping out of her uniform pants. Lifting her up, she wrapped her legs around him as he began to take her hard and fast against the wall, their lips meeting again. 

All she could feel right now was him, his smell, his closeness, his touch. All other thoughts and feelings dropped away except for love and lust. Needing to feel him in the most intimate way, driving away every bad feeling she’d been harboring. 

“Ahh…fuck Kathryn,” he moaned pounding into her, pushing ever closer toward release. 

“Oh God…make me come Chakotay,” she half moaned, half cried out in response, her hands squeezing his shoulders as her thighs continued to grip him, reveling in the feel of him buried deep inside her, the friction enhancing the familiar sensation beginning to rise within. 

He leaned forward, his head resting against the wall, forcing her hands to abandon his shoulders and slide down to embrace him around the torso instead. The tops of their uniforms rubbing against each other creating a slight heat. He adjusted his grip on her thighs, unwilling to stop his thrusts until he’d driven both to completion. 

“That’s it, baby…take it.” He spoke against her ear, forcing a loud moan from her, “you love it when I talk dirty to you?”

She could barely utter a response, “Yessss,” she whispered, the word drawn out as she continued toward ecstasy. His words only serving to heighten her excitement.

“You’re so tight and wet…I’m gonna come so deep inside you.” 

“Oh…my God.” She cried; her whole body gripping him.

“I’m gonna drown you in come,” he continued, her excitement at his words fueling his own lust.

“Fuck me,” she moaned, “fuck me so I can feel you come.”

He moaned loudly at her words, neither of them having spoken to each other this way before. It was exciting, forbidden, driving their lust and pleasure in each other to a new height.

Involuntarily, her body pushed back hard against the wall, “I’m gonna come,” she whispered, “I’m gonna come all over you.” Then she did, her body spasming uncontrollably against him, her cries becoming animalistic as he continued to pound into her. 

“I’m coming,” he moaned, “You’re making me come so hard,” he thrust deep, spilling himself as promised, deep within her. 

“I can feel it…keep coming inside me,” she said, her voice soft against his ear as her body now pressed tight against his, her first release fast and intense. The second, however, was just beginning, “Don’t…stop.” 

He kept going for as long as he could, even after his own mind-numbing release had begun to fade. He could feel her vaginal muscles gripping him, milking him for everything he had. It was only when it stopped and her body began to relax that he slowed and came to a stop, her legs lowering gently to the floor, both their bodies felt wobbly and unsteady. Pressing her gently against the wall he kissed her, loving her more than he ever thought possible, and feeling her return that love in equal measure.


	11. Chapter 11

Studying her reflection in the mirror as she fixed the chignon, Chakotay had just had his turn in the sonic shower moments ago and was almost finished getting dressed. All that was left was his jacket, which he was slipping on. She could see him in the mirror’s reflection over her shoulder. 

Neither had spoken about what they’d just done. Each feeling appalled and disappointed by their behavior. They shouldn’t have allowed themselves to do it, but that seemed to be a running theme over the last few months. There were many things they shouldn’t have done in that time, getting pregnant twice being at the top of their combined list until the Doctor had found a way for them to have a baby safely. 

They seemed to allow themselves to surrender to their baser instincts when they were together, finding strength and distraction in the other. This was something they had to control if this relationship was going to work the way they needed it to. Especially if they had any plans of serving together on the same ship in the future. 

He slowly lowered himself on the edge of her bed. With his head down, he let out a long stream of breath and rested his hands on his knees, “We need to stop this,” he said softly.

She turned to him, stepping out of the 'fresher, “Having sex or our relationship?”

He shook his head, “That’s not what I meant,” looking up, he could see she was relieved, “I’m talking about losing control. We’re better than that. Hell, we’ve reprimanded people for doing what we just did.”

She looked down at her hands and nodded, “I know, and there’s no excuse for it,” then met his eyes again.

Meeting her gaze, he stated seriously, “We have to agree this will never happen again. When we’re serving together, we cannot be together like that. If we find ourselves on a long-term mission, we’ll have to revisit this conversation then.”

“Agreed,” she said simply, “And for now, I think it would be best if we didn’t share quarters for the time being.”

He nodded sadly knowing it was for the best, but didn’t have to be happy about it, “We’re also going to have to deal with this situation regarding Lieutenant Runningwolf.”

She couldn’t stop the immediate reaction of rolling her eyes and letting out a sound of disgust. “I’m sick to death of dealing with him. This ridiculous notion that he’s in love with me. He doesn’t even know me.”

Chakotay remained calm, someone had to, and it was one of the reasons why they fit so well together, the yin to her yang, “I don’t know Kathryn, he sounded pretty convincing when he told me he loved you.”

She shook her head slightly as her eyes stared hard across the room, arms folded across her chest. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, he’d convinced her too, “I don’t know what to do about this, Chakotay. I must have missed this particular chapter in command school,” he had a chuckle at that, “I don’t even know how to begin to process this,” She released a groan as her arms came down in a tight formation in front of her, shaking her fists in frustration for a few seconds before releasing a sigh and dropping them to her sides. “What I wouldn’t give for a firefight right about now, a rare scientific puzzle or impossible mathematical equation to solve, just for a little distraction.”

“Isn’t that what the sex was for?” He asked with a grin, causing her to shift focus back to him in shock, her eyes growing slightly wide. He stood up and placed his hand on her upper arms, rubbing gently, the smile still lingering on his lips, “Relax Kathryn, we’ll figure it out. We always do.”

She couldn’t help but take a breath and smile back at him as she placed a hand on his chest, “I think we should table this discussion for now and get back to the bridge. We’ll be within range of the spatial rift soon.”

Giving her a wink, he replied, “Aye, Aye Admiral.”

***

When they reached the bridge, Commander Paris advised them that they were about to reach the spatial rift. Janeway stood near Chakotay’s command chair, waiting for him to give the order to disengage slipstream drive and return to normal space. Wanting to get her first real look at the reason why they were out here in the first place. 

“All stations blue alert,” Chakotay ordered.

“All stations ready Captain,” Paris stated.

“Lieutenant Sulu, disengage slipstream drive and prepare to enter normal space.”

“Aye Captain, entering normal space in three, two,” and they were out, “helm controls reconfigured for impulse reactors and warp drive, stopping one thousand kilometers from the spatial rift,” Sulu advised.

“All systems normal,” Torres advised from the engineering station.

“All enhanced phasers and weapon systems, including multiphasic shields are online and operating within normal parameters,” Tuvok reported.

“The rift has nearly tripled in size since our previous projections, the rate of expansion, however, seems to be decreasing,” Kim informed working the console.

Janeway stared at the viewscreen, trying to get a closer look into to the area inside the rift, “Lieutenant Kim, magnify the image on the viewscreen,” instantly he obeyed her order. 

There appeared to be a planet on the other side, mostly green with what appeared to be a large desert on the southern axis, a few storms hovered in the area, some severe. It was surrounded by a massive ocean leading to several blue crevasses that appeared to be rivers leading to smaller bodies of water.

“Harry,” Paris began, “run that image against the planetary bodies in Voyager’s database.”

“What are you thinking, Tom?” Chakotay asked.

“That planet looks similar to one I’ve seen before, but I can’t place it,” he replied staring at it, trying to place it in his memory.

“I have to agree with Commander Paris, this particular planet does seem familiar,” Tuvok stated.

“I don’t believe it,” Harry said stunned.

“What is it?” Paris questioned, turning to him.

“That’s the planet we had to leave the Captain and Admiral on years ago when we were in the Delta quadrant. When they were infected with a fatal virus.”

“That seems like more than a consequence,” Janeway said looking to Chakotay, and he could see the same puzzled expression reflected at her. 

“Why would we be seeing this?” Chakotay asked leaning forward slightly.

“Something is coming through the rift,” Tuvok announced, “It appears to be a Federation Type Two shuttlecraft, and a Kazon Heavy Raider. They are firing on the shuttle, and it appears to be heavily damaged.”

“Red Alert, shields up,” Chakotay ordered, “Hail the Raider.”

“They are not responding,” Tuvok replied.

“Target their weapon systems with an enhanced phaser blast, full power. That should get their attention.”

“Firing phasers. Weapons hit, partial damage to their primary weapon systems.”

“Their hailing Captain,” Kim advised.

Standing, Chakotay approached the viewscreen, “Put them on screen.” 

Most of them were stunned to silence when they saw the face of Maj Culla, his clothes and face covered in blood, standing next to a boy who appeared to be around eleven or twelve who possessed half Cardassian and half Kazon features staring back at them. 

“No, that’s impossible,” Culla said in disbelief, “This is Federation trick.”

“It’s no trick,” Chakotay replied, “stand down and we can talk about this. I’m sure you’ve scanned us; our weapons and shield systems are more advanced than our last meeting. Don’t force me to disable your ship.”

“This is where our goals differ. Captain is it?” He questioned sarcastically, “I want that shuttle, and you will have to use deadly force to stop me,” Then he ended the transmission, as a huge blast rocked the ship. 

“They’re using Malon spacial charges,” Tuvok advised.

“Sulu, evasive maneuvers. Kim who’s on the shuttle?” Chakotay asked.

“Two humans and a primate. Both humans appear to be suffering from several injuries,” Kim answered.

“Tuvok, drop shields long enough to allow Kim to lock on and beam them all to sickbay behind a level ten forcefield,” He ordered, “Then alert Doctor Gand and the Doctor that they have incoming Mister Kim.”

Tuvok dropped them as Kim got a transporter lock and beamed them to sickbay, “Got them, sir.”

“Very good, now disable their engines with a multiphasic torpedo.”

“Direct hit, there is a cascade within their warp core, they’re headed for a core breach.”

“Get us some distance Sulu.”

“Aye Captain.”

A larger blast rocked the ship, “Sir, we’ve just sustained a blast from a Kazon torpedo which detonated within the shields. It must have occurred during transport, reinforcing structural integrity. Ablative hull armor online. We can use it to help reinforce Voyager’s outer hull,” Tuvok recommended.

“Do it,” Chakotay ordered.

“That blast just knocked out our slipstream drive,” Torres said. “Based on the severity of the damage, it might take a week to get it back up and running again.”

“Great,” he said like a curse.

“The Kazon ship is exploding, we are within a recommended safe distance,” Sulu advised. 

“Sulu, tracker that shuttle into shuttle bay one.”

“Aye, sir.”

“The rift is closing; it will be completely sealed within twenty seconds,” Kim said.

“Any survivors from the Freighter?” Chakotay asked Tuvok.

“None.”

Sighing he replied, “Get us back on the road. Sulu, we’ll have to use warp drive for now. Set for a maximum speed of warp eight. If all goes well, and if we can’t get the slipstream drive back up, we’ll have about a two-week trip back to Earth,” Chakotay said. 

“Tuvok, Chakotay, join me in sickbay to meet our guests.” Admiral Janeway ordered.

Start organizing repair teams Commander,” as they moved into the lift. “You have the bridge.”

“Aye, Captain.”

***

When they entered, the first thing they noticed was a monkey a little larger than the one Janeway and Chakotay had seen on New Earth. It was going crazy behind the forcefield. When the group moved closer, they noticed what it appeared to be protecting. One was a young boy about nine or ten, and a girl was about seven or eight. 

The Doctor was trying to get ahold of the monkey so he could sedate it, making it possible to treat the two children, and failing. Janeway stepped closer, putting her hand out to it as she had once done while they were on New Earth. Once it noticed her, it seemed to calm down slightly and kept trying to run to her but the forcefield stopped it. 

“Doctor Gand, lower the forcefield,” Janeway said.

“Admiral?” Chakotay questioned.

“I have a hunch.”

He did as instructed, only hesitating for a moment, and hoping that the Admiral wasn’t wrong.

The monkey ran up to her and immediately climbed up her leg, up her torso, and came to rest on her shoulder, sitting quietly, “Well I guess I was right about that one.”

“That was an awfully big risk Admiral,” Doctor Gand said, “It could just have easily torn your face off.”

Bolians were so optimistic she thought. “Now, let’s see if we can get him sedated so he can be looked over,” Janeway said. 

Moving from her shoulder, it jumped over to Chakotay’s and sat just as submissive and quiet. Carefully, Janeway moved to get the hypospray Doctor Gand handed her and began talking sweetly to the monkey as she made her way forward. “It’s okay little fella. We just want to make sure you’re alright.” When she was close enough, she reached her hand up and let it sniff her finger first, while it was distracted, she injected it with the hypospray. Within several seconds, it began to wobble, then fall. Janeway caught it before it could hit the ground.

Doctor Gand approached and took the money to a private area and replicated a large cage to place it for its safety and comfort. 

Approaching their human guests, they were pressed up against the wall. He was using his body to protect the girl who seemed to be holding a rag doll. His hair was black and cut short as he stared at them with impossibly bright blue eyes. The girl had long auburn hair coming down to the small of her back and tied into what used to be a braid with soft warm brown eyes. The girl appeared to be catatonic, the boy highly agitated, stressed, and wild. 

When he saw them move closer the boy looked at both Janeway and Chakotay with tears in his eyes. “Mom? Dad? I don’t understand. You’re both dead.”


	12. Chapter 12

Janeway and Chakotay looked at each other in bewilderment before looking back at the boy. His face twisted in pain, anger, grief and fell to his knees, “So, they really are dead,” he sobbed, unable to stop himself, his small hands covering his face. 

Her heart went out to him, feeling an almost debilitating need to comfort the child. She approached him cautiously and bent down in front of him. Tentatively, she reached out her hand and stroked his hair, a tear made a trail down her cheek. The boy bristled and pulled away, scrambling back into the wall as he made his way to his feet, looking back at her with devastated blue eyes, “I don’t understand how this could be?” He questioned, “Am I dead?”

“No, you’re very much alive,” Janeway stood up, speaking softly.

“How can you both be here when…” He didn’t understand, his mind unable to process any answer that made sense. His stance shifted, becoming concerned, “Bnalla, where’s Bnalla?” He demanded. When he saw the confusion in their eyes, he offered more information, “The monkey.”

“He’s-” Janeway began but was interrupted.

“She,” he corrected.

Taking a breath, she began again, “She’s alright. We have her sedated at the moment so our Doctors can assess any injuries she might have,” He nodded, and she could see he was favoring his left side, really seeing for the first time the large bloodstain he was trying to hide on his shirt, “You appear to be injured.”

“It’s nothing,” He snapped, agitated. 

“It doesn’t look like nothing to me,” she said softly, “In fact, it looks fairly serious.”

“Help my sister first,” He demanded.

“We plan to help both of you. What’s your name?”

At first, he appeared taken off guard by the question, then painfully remembered, “Asa…Asa Janeway. 

“And she is?” She continued asking gently.

“My sister, Sian.”

Janeway gestured to the Doctor’s behind her. “This is the Doctor and Doctor Gand, they will treat both of you.”

“Doctor?” He questioned.

This was something she hadn’t considered. Did he even know what a hologram was? “He hasn’t chosen a name for himself yet. He’s a hologram,” The boy arched his eyebrow in the same way his mother had, and for a moment, felt a mix of complex emotions running through her all at once. She had sometimes wondered what a child between her and Chakotay would look like, but to see an example right in front of her was nearly overwhelming, at the same time feeling certain everyone in the room had noticed the similarity and quirk they seemed to share.

“He’s made of photons and forcefields,” she explained.

At this point, he nodded, appearing as if he understood, “Something is wrong with Sian, ever since she saw…” he stopped himself, unwilling to share more, “She’s been like this for three days,” he said frightened, fueling his already precarious emotional state, “I tried to get her to talk to me, but she wouldn’t do anything. I really tried,” He stressed, getting himself worked up. 

“It’s alright Asa,” Chakotay said. She hadn’t noticed he was next to her, “You did everything you could,” he continued as he approached the boy and knelt down, taking him into his arms, “You’re safe now, and we’re going to take care of both of you, but you have to let the Doctor treat you. Okay?”

He nodded against his shoulder, tears flowing freely as he sobbed, surrendering the burden of responsibility to the man who was but wasn’t his father. Carefully, delicately, he picked the child up and carried him over to the biobed and laid him down. Quietly the Doctor approached and began to scan him with a medical tricorder. Chakotay spared her a glance, his eyes indicating the girl still laying on the floor behind him as he held the boy’s hand.

This prompting got her moving. Reaching the girl, she noticed the ragdoll was caked with blood and dirt, as was the front of the light purple dress the girl wore. Carefully, Janeway tried to pick her up until Doctor Gand touched her on the shoulder, relieving her of the action. Lifting her easily, he took her over to the biobed and laid her down before beginning to scan her. Janeway followed and stood by her, she could see so much of Chakotay in her delicately beautiful features.

The girl stared up at the ceiling, unmoving, unblinking. It unnerved her in many ways, wondering what this child must have been though, must have seen to cause such a visceral and traumatizing reaction. Taking the girls' tiny hand in her own, she began to stroke her head gently, offering what little comfort she could.

“He’s been grazed by a Kazon disrupter,” she could hear the Doctor saying, “Another three inches to the left and it would have been his lung.”

“I’m sorry Dad…” then he stopped himself unsure, “You’re my Dad but you’re not…I don’t know what to call you.”

“Whatever makes you feel comfortable,” Chakotay assured with a gentle smile.

“Should I…call her Mom?” He asked, looking over to Kathryn with his eyes.

He gave a sigh, unable to answer that question for her. From the other side of the room, Kathryn answered, able to hear the conversation, “I’m inclined to agree with Chakotay on this one. Whatever makes you feel comfortable,” she concluded, the solution making the most sense now. He’d just lost both his parents, and to see two people who looked and sounded exactly like them was too much to expect this child to grapple with now. 

“Dad, I did exactly what you told me,” he said focusing in on his face, “I dragged Sian into the cupboard in your bedroom and hid until it was safe to leave,” his face became suddenly anguished, “But we could still see them through the slats. What they were doing to you…to Mom…” He burst into a fit of uncontrollable and inconsolable sobs, his entire body trembling.

Tears shown in Chakotay’s eyes as he reached down and gathered him in his arms, holding him tightly, “You made the right decision to protect your sister. It’s alright now,” he cooed, shushing, and rocking him slightly. 

Kathryn couldn’t help the tears welling up in her own eyes. She could only imagine the horrors they must have had to witness at the hands of the Kazon, but it was also making her angry. Angry at the Kazon, angry this had happened, knowing that these children would have to live with those mental scars for the rest of their lives. And what of Sian? She was cationic, and what the prognoses might be in relation to her current state was unknown. 

Abruptly she left sickbay, needing to distance herself for a moment. It was all becoming a little too real and hitting entirely too close to home in some ways. If she and Chakotay were able to have this child, what kind of life would they be giving them? Living starship to starship. Their time being usurped by duty just as her own father was. Spending weeks or months away from them while their child’s resentment continued to grow over time. Perhaps her condition was the universes way of saying she wasn’t meant to be a mother or a wife for that matter. How many times had she been prepared to spend her life with someone only to have them taken away from her? Maybe she was, in fact, meant to be alone.

Feeling a hand on her shoulder, she tensed at the unexpected touch. Turning, she found herself staring straight into Chakotay’s slightly red swollen eyes. “It’s gonna be alright Kathryn. Asa’s been sedated, he was too upset for the Doctor to treat him,” then he noticed the look in her eyes, the same look he’d seen nearly a hundred times over the years, doubt. Taking her by the hand he said firmly, “Come with me. I need to show you something.”

The grip he had on her hand wasn’t allowing her a choice, “Now? Where are we going?” She asked as they entered the turbolift and he called for deck two,

“Chakotay, this isn’t the time.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, this is the perfect time,” He replied as the lift doors opened, this time gently tugging on her hand to follow, after a few seconds she did. Opening the door to what used to be her old quarters, he left her standing in the living area while he headed into the bedroom. 

She could hear some slight rustling before he reentered with a small black velvet box in his hand. Immediately she began to step back, a hand in front of her, shaking her head.

“I was going to give you this after we returned from this mission. I took it with me just in case plans changed.”

“What plan?” She asked, equal parts of confusion, surprise, anxiety, and fear running through her. 

“The plan that says when Kathryn Janeway is in doubt, there has to be a contingency. This is mine,” he said getting down on his knee and opening the box, “You deserve to be happy as much as I do. Any doubts your harboring about the present or future you can focus them into what I have in this box,” then he turned it around and held it out to her, “Kathryn Janeway, I want you to be my wife, I want our lives to continue to intertwine as they have over the years and grow stronger over time. I have no doubts about you or our life together. And when you’re feeling doubt, I want you to look at this ring and remember that there’s someone who trusts in you, knows you, and loves you in equal measure.”

She didn’t want to look inside, seeing the ring would make this moment feel even more real than it already did. 

“Nothing will change between us except the promise we make to each other, that we will spend the rest of our lives together. And if your doubt, or fear, or anything else has a problem with that, tell it to come see me.”

Tears welled in her eyes, his words beautiful and perfect in her ears. If she could have loved him more at this moment she would have. He stood up and took the ring out of the box. Making his way to her, she found her hand automatically poised to accept it before she’d even given an answer. She’d allowed herself to surrender to doubt many times, more times than she should have. This time, however, regardless of whether the doubts she was having were justified or not, she wasn’t going to deny herself this happiness, and neither was he it seemed.

“So, what do you say Kathryn. Will you marry me?”

Tears spilled down her cheeks as she stared up into his eyes, and it felt as if they were the only people who existed in the universe at this moment. She found herself wanting everything those brown eyes were promising. A life that was theirs, a love that was theirs. How could she imagine for a moment she could live without him? Not after everything they’d been through, shared, good or bad. He stood by her through it all, patient, comforting, understanding, loving. Picking up all her broken pieces and continually putting them back together. 

She nodded slightly, a soft simple word rolling off her lips, “Yes.”

Slipping on the ring, he kissed her tenderly, lovingly, sweetly before pulling back, “You’ve just made me a very happy man.”

She smiled and looked down at the ring he’d just slipped on her slim finger. It wasn’t traditional but certainly unusual. The band of the ring was wider than normal and had round slightly raised ovals surrounded by a field of black, the stone in the center was white but sparkled brightly in the artificial light. “Was this ring your design?”

He nodded, “The band is much wider than I’d like it to be, but can’t be helped,” she raised a questioning eyebrow, which made him release a slight chuckle. “I didn’t want to alter the integrity of the metal any further than I had to, considering its source.”

She was smiling now, “And what source would that be?”

“Your father’s insignia,” her eyes grew wide as she stared at it, seeing where the piece had been stretched just enough to allow the ends to fit together, “Your sister gave me one of his old sets when I told her I was looking to do something special for you. The stone is part of a large opal my father gave my mother when they were bonded.”

Her emotions were so chaotic as the moment it almost felt like whiplash. Extreme love and adoration to sadness and regret at the thought of her father, “I love it, thank you,” she said admiring it a moment longer.

“I’d hope you would,” he captured her eyes again, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close, “I meant every word I said. For me, this is forever, no matter what the universe throws our way. We’ve already overcome so much to let anything come between us.”

“Even doubt?” She said placing her hands on his chest.

“Especially doubt,” he replied and kissed the tip of her nose, “Did you see the inscription?”

She shook her head, “What does it say?” she whispered.

“Life without love is not life at all,” he whispered back, their faces inches apart.

“Did you come up with it?”

He shook his head slightly, “Leonardo Da Vinci did. I figured since you admired him so much, you might listen to him,” his lips curved into a hint of a smile as did hers.

“Wise man,” she said closing her eyes and allowing their lips to come together, peaceful and content.

***

Jason Runningwolf knew when guys were alone together in their off-duty hours and left to their own devices, especially in a confined space like a starship, the talk would degenerate to such a degree that it would make a Vulcan blush. 

He sat holding his beer and leaned back into the chair, listening to the conversation around him. Lieutenant Commander Powell was one of the best structural engineers he’d ever seen but had the filthiest mouth he’d ever heard. He never spoke like that on duty of course, and you might think he’d never heard such words if you didn’t know him, but those who did would sometimes have to ask him to tone it down after he’d tossed back a few.

Ensigns Campbell, Nelson, and Riley met at the academy and worked in stellar cartography. Somehow, they always managed to be posted to the same ship together, and all of them seemed to have high libidos. When the talk turned to either astrophysics or sex, they were happy.

Lieutenant James was a navigation specialist and somewhat quiet, reserved, but if you got a few drinks in him he could defiantly turn the party. It was more like a Doctor Jekyll, Mister Hide kind of association.

Then there was pilot Lieutenant Junior Grade Masterson, opinionated, loud, obnoxious, cocky, and thought himself to be a real lady’s man. Claims to have slept with over a hundred women, ranging from crewman to captains. Whether any of his claims were true or not he couldn’t say, but Runningwolf had him beat; he’d slept with an admiral. However, he’d never tell anyone about it, no matter how much he’d been drinking.

Masterson was standing up, a beer in his hand as he was showing them the sexual position he had some female captain in, making a humping motion with his pelvis, “So, I have her bent over the desk right, my dick in her ass. She is damn near-naked by this point and begging me to fuck her harder. What’s a guy to do? So, I start going at it, thrusting into her so hard the desk is slowly shoving its way across the floor to the wall. The whole time she’s crying out Oh God! Oh God! Like he’s gonna answer her or something. Finally, she stops and starts moaning, getting loud too and she cries out I’m gonna come. As I feel her ass starting to grip me, I punch her in the back of the head. Damn near knocked her out too.”

“Get the fuck out of here!” Riley says in disbelief, “You donkey punched her?”

“Yep, made every one of her sphincters tighten up like that,” he answered snapping his fingers before taking his seat. “Best damn come fest I’d ever had.”

“So, what did she do afterward?” Nelson asked.

“She wasn’t going to say anything about it, protocol you know, and then she would have to explain how it happened, another point in my favor. In the end, she just put on her clothes and we each went to our quarters.”

“You are such a fucking liar Masterson,” Powell accused, “No captain is gonna let you fuck her like that in their ready room. The entire bridge crew would have heard that shit.”

“Believe what you will gentleman,” but that woman got donkey punched by the great yours truly.” He said taking a swig of his beer. 

“Have you seen the new helmsman?” Campbell said, I bet she’s a little Asian ball of dynamite, I don’t care who her grandfather was. She got the karate body, my friend.”

“I’ll tell you who I’d love to make scream my name, Lieutenant Commander Torres,” Powell said.

“Didn’t she do that yesterday when you fucked up that calibration of the plasma manifold’s?” Masterson chimed in.

Powell pretended to be dying from laughter, before giving him the old reel and finger routine. You know the one. A person starts with a fist and pretends it’s attached to a crank, so as they turn it the middle finger slowly starts to pop up, and the person pretends like they didn’t know how that happened? That’s the one. 

“What about Admiral Janeway, she’s still pretty hot, and got a lot of nice curves going on under that uniform.” James said, “She may behave so professional, but when she’s in the bedroom I bet it’s like trying to tame a bucking bronco.”

“Captain Chakotay better know how to hang on for eight seconds,” Nelson laughed.

“He may have to hold her down and tie her up,” Riley added, unable to hold back his laughter. 

“Ahh Admiral Janeway,” Masterson said thinking, “All jokes aside, she’s pretty fucking hot, I’d certainly do her.” 

“She’d never go for you Masterson, she has class.” Powell shot back, “Besides she’s with the Captain. He’s a handsome guy, has had his share of strange I’m sure and looks like he knows how to handle business. Make her moan in all the known ways of the cosmos.” They were all laughing now, and it was just pissing Runningwolf off. “Oh, Chakotay! You’re such a stallion, fuck me harder!” Campbell threw out making the entire group roll with laughter. 

He had already felt his ire rising, the way they talked about her just making it worse. It was enough to make him want to start bashing heads in. “Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!” Runningwolf shouted angrily. “Admiral Janeway is a caring intelligent woman and doesn’t need to have you fuckers talking about her like that!”

The room fell silent. “Sounds like you’re a little sweet on her,” Masterson said, a glint of devilment in his eyes, realizing their conversation was getting under his skin, only inviting him to push it further, “You know what? He’s right, we shouldn’t talk about that hot, sexy, fine ass, smoking hot admiral anymore. It’s so insensitive and insulting. Maybe, we should just send her holographic dick picks and let her choose which one she likes best.”

“AHHH Fuck you Masterson!” he screamed before throwing himself across the room and tackling him to the floor, beating his face within an inch of his life. “Shut up! Shut your fucking mouth!” He screamed, continuing to punch him.

The rest of the group were stunned at first, not believing what they were seeing. Finally, Powell reacted and began to try and wrestle Runningwolf off him as he kept pounding Masterson's face into the deck.

“Help me!” Powell shouted to the others. 

As a group, it took their combined strength to pull him off. Masterson was barely breathing by then. Tapping his com badge Powell contacted sickbay and requested he and Masterson be transported due to a medical emergency. As for Runningwolf, Tuvok was contacted and he was taken directly to the brig. Boy’s night was officially over.


	13. Chapter 13

When Chakotay entered the brig, he saw Runningwolf behind a forcefield as Commander Tuvok waited for his captain to arrive and provide further information on the condition of Lieutenant Masterson. He was in surgery now and was expected to pull through. He told Tuvok that the Admiral needed to see him in sickbay in relation to another matter and that he would handle things from here. Tuvok nodded and left.

Turning to face him, he could only see his bruised knuckles and fine spatters of blood on his hands and uniform, but the other officer wasn’t so lucky. “You know Lieutenant if you’d hit him any harder you could have driven some of those fractured skull pieces into his brain.”

Runningwolf seemed indifferent, uncaring as to Masterson’s condition. He was still angry and decided to keep his mouth shut for once not to add any extra details that weren’t there. They had witnesses, clues, evidence, they didn’t need anything further to prove his guilt.

Chakotay sighed and put his hands on his hips, “You want to tell me your version of events?”

Jason gave him a strange look, “Isn’t it obvious Captain? I didn’t like something he said so I attacked him, case closed. I know I’ll be brought up on charges once we return to Earth.”

“Well, this is an extreme way to get out of an assignment.” 

“If it means anything, I wasn’t trying to get out of it.”

“You don’t almost kill a man for something he says if it’s not personal. So, what did he say that you found yourself needing to beat the man half to death?”

Runningwolf’s eyes looked to the security guard at the controls, not wanting to answer if they were there. 

Chakotay excused them and asked him to wait outside, which the officer complied with. “Okay, he’s gone now. Spill it.”

He could feel the anger rising again just at the thought of his words and found himself hard-pressed to speak. “He said some very explicit sexual comments about the Admiral, and I wasn’t prepared to let him get away with it, so I shut him up.”

“So, you got into a fight.”

“Yes.”

Chakotay sighed, “I know you claim to be in love with her Lieutenant, but-”

“It’s not a claim sir,” he interrupted, then tried to get his anger back under control,” I apologize for causing a disturbance, but I’m where I need to be.”

“In the brig?”

“I assaulted a fellow officer, damn near could have killed him based on what you’ve told me, so yeah. I deserve the brig.”

He’d been his age once, had felt strongly about a woman and gotten into fights when he felt their honor was or had been besmirched. But from what little he understood about their encounter it was only one night, and they were both drunk. It had to be more than that driving his feelings. “I want to ask you something Lieutenant, and I want you to be completely honest. Why do you believe you’re in love with the Admiral?”

There were lots of reasons he felt that way, all of them personal. Who decides why you fall in love with some people and not others? During his research on Voyager and its captain, he started developing a crush on her, and the more he learned the more he felt himself obsessing over the kind of woman she was being portrayed as. Without conscious thought, he’d began to cultivate similar interests. It’s where his love of science, jazz, and coffee stemmed from among others, but that night of passion brought it all home for him. 

It was a side of her that couldn’t be read about. Regardless of the fact she only chose to go home with him because of who he reminded her of. It didn’t matter that when he touched her, she was thinking about the man standing in front of him. The way she sounded, spoke, it was he who’d drawn those out of her. The way she’d touched him, kissed him, brought about feelings, and desires he never thought existed. How her mouth tasted, her skin, the smell of their sex. How she wordlessly encouraged him to fulfill every desire she had and how eager he found himself giving her everything she needed. He was still giving her everything she desired long after she left that morning by keeping the information to himself and guarding it with his life. 

“You really don’t want to know why Captain. Perhaps it best we leave it that way,” he stated simply.

Chakotay nodded. Part of him did want to know where these feelings were coming from, but in actuality, the information would only invoke a plethora of complex emotions he didn’t need right now, not when he already had so much on his plate, “I’ll have to place a formal reprimand in your permanent file. Once we get back to Earth, the situation will have to be handled by Starfleet Command, it’s out of my hands, Lieutenant. But if it’s any consolation, I fully understand the reason why you did what you did.”

Runningwolf nodded, “Thank you, sir.”

Quietly he got up and headed back to sickbay to check on the situation there.

***

Sian had heard the weapons fire long before she saw anything. Their pet monkey, Bnalla, the name given by her older brother who couldn’t say the word banana when he was young, named for the treat he’d often share with his new friend, ran out the front door to investigate.

She could hear strange voices shouting, their father telling her brother to take her and hide and to not come out no matter what they saw or heard. He’d dragged her into their parent's bedroom and took refuge behind the slatted crawl space in their cupboard, the one their father had built to allow all of them a means of escape into a small underground room should the house be hit by another plasma storm. The strong scent of linens, clothing, earth, and stale air invaded her senses. The room stifling hot. She’d forced Asa to leave the cupboard door open, terrified of the dark. The voices were closer now, and through the bedroom door could see their mother being led inside. 

Angry words were exchanged, the man with the brightly woven sash across his chest struck her mother. Sian wanted to rush to her aid, but Asa gripped her tight, putting a hand over her mouth and whispering for her to stay quiet or they would be discovered. She gripped the doll tighter, wanting to feel the comfort of her mother, her father. Needing them more than she’d ever needed them. 

Her mother had been roughly hauled to her feet and forced to stand before the strange man again. A woman entered the room with long brown hair, her face grey with ridges surrounding her eyes, the shape of a spoon on her forehead. Even though she couldn’t see her father, heard him acknowledge her presence. “Seska.” 

She smiled wickedly, “Did you really think you wouldn’t see me again? I told you I’d find you. And when I did, you’re here playing house with your former captain. How deliciously pedestrian of you,” Then she looked to her mother, the smile twisting slightly more toward disgust, “I’m not sure what you see in her Chakotay. Does she make you scream like I can? Push all the right little buttons that shot fire into your loins?” Then laughed.

Sian saw her father come into view as a hand reached for her, his intent evident even to her young eyes, murder. Then he was pulled back again, a loud cry erupting from him as he arched his back and stumbled forward slightly, still being held by two men who also resembled the man with the brightly woven sash. Their mother turned to move toward him but was stopped by the two men who held her tightly by the arms. 

“Manners Chakotay, there are children present,” she said as a boy stepped into the room.

He was a few years older than she or her brother was and seemed to share the same features of the man and woman he stood between. She could feel Asa’s arms around her, holding her close, his hand hovering over her mouth. What he didn’t understand yet was she was too stunned and frightened to make a sound, not knowing he was feeling the same way by what was happening. 

Seska’s eyes grew hard as she stared at her mother again, “Now dear Captain, where is Voyager?”

She couldn’t see her mother’s resolve, the hardness of her own eyes as she stared her down. But what she could hear was her mother’s deadly low tone. The one that was reserved for those times when she was angry, “Gone.”

The woman seemed to falter slightly, unwilling to accept the answer. Their eyes remained locked as Seska said, “Vett, my little love. Please demonstrate for the Captain how we feel about lies.”

The boy stepped forward, pulling a knife from his belt. There was no expression on his face as he reached out and made a backhanded downward angle stroke across his chest. Her father cried out once the pain erupted, delayed by mere seconds after the action had taken place. 

Her mother struggled against her captors as she shouted at their father to look at her. Seska grabbed her face harshly, forcing her to meet her eyes again, “Where are they?” She demanded again. 

“We haven’t seen them in years, not since they were forced to abandon us on this planet. If you can’t find them then that means they’ve managed to move beyond Kazon territory as I ordered,” her mother said, seeing a mix of anger and satisfaction on her face. 

Seska’s features twisted into an expression she didn’t recognize, never having seen it on either of her parents' faces before, “Dirro, Tirras,” she began eerily calm, “take her to the other room and begin loosening her tongue. You know the information I require.”

The two men holding her mother began pulling her back toward the bedroom, the bedroom she and her brother were still hiding in. She could hear her father shouting at Seska, pleading with her to resend the order. There was a level of fear and desperation in his voice she’d never heard from him before. 

The men pushed their mother into the room and closed the door, separating her view of Seska, Vett, Cullah, the two Kazon, and her father. Her mother began to fight, seeing her use her arms, hands, legs, and feet in ways she didn’t know her mother was capable of. She was doing quite well keeping them at bay and off-guard, but in the small room without a clear means of exit, she was quickly overpowered. 

One of the Kazon men lay back against the pillows on the bed, holding their mother around the chest, pinning her arms to her sides. The second Kazon began unfastening his pants and pushing them down. Her mother screamed in anger as she struggled against him, kicking her feet as he began to approach. Without a word he caught them by the ankles and yanked them apart, his strength far surpassing her own. 

He forced himself between them before she could try and pin her legs together. Making it harder for him to pull them apart and giving her another opportunity to try and get away. His hand reached up and began to squeeze her throat, just enough to leave her gasping for air but not enough to make her go unconscious as he pushed up the hem of her dress and ripped the panties from her body with a hard jerk, pulling her hips toward him as a loud rip filled the room. 

She could still hear her father’s voice, desperate and angry. There was a loud crash against the door, startling everyone in the room for a second before the man began to resume his actions. Settling between her thighs, he continued to hold her by the neck as he began working his way inside her. Her mother’s hips tried to pull back, blocked by the bed, and the man’s clothed groin beneath her as unforgiving pain shot through her center, forcing a cry past her lips as his hand loosened slightly.

“Kathryn!” Her father shouted from the other side, the sounds of a struggle taking place as they periodically slammed against the door. 

Her mother attempted to try and quell the pain she was feeling and allow her mind to drift as she’d been taught to do if she’d ever found herself in this situation. A tactic used to try and protect the mind of their female officers against a cruel barbaric torture Cardassians were quite fond of in interrogation. She didn’t cry, beg, or scream, only lay there, and took what he was doing to her without acknowledgment, her thoughts focused somewhere else far out of anyone’s reach. 

Sian didn’t understand what she was seeing, the images not making sense in her young mind. It felt wrong, and frightening, and unfathomable. Why were these men touching her this way? Why were they hurting her? Hurting their father? Why were they here in the first place? And why did they care so much about a ship she’s never seen before? What was so special about it that this woman Seska wanted it so badly and was willing to hurt the people she loved just to find it? If she knew where the ship was, she’d tell her. Just so they’d stop hurting her mommy and daddy, but she didn’t know where it was. All she could do was stare frozen and unblinking at the savage and brutal sight in front of her. 

The man on top of their mother began to moan as the door burst open, his hips continuing to work against her, his hand abandoning her throat completely and sliding its way down to her breast. She could see the torment on her father’s face as he struggled against the two men who held him between them, the look of helplessness and deep pain in his eyes when he looked up and saw what was happening. His body became dead weight as tears immediately sprung from his eyes, wetting his cheeks as a soft anguished cry escaped his lips, “Kathryn, no…” 

The man’s moans grew louder, gripping her mother's thigh with one hand as the other continued to squeeze her breast. Within a few seconds, his hips convulsed sporadically against her, a long loud moan escaped his lips before panting hard inches away from her face. Her mother didn’t blink, didn’t move, appearing to be unaware of what had just happened as the man slowly pushed himself off her and stood up. The arms which had been pinning her let go, leaving her to lay against his chest in an obscene display. 

Seska now approached and grabbed her father by the hair, pulling his head up. His eyes seemed dead, empty, “Where is it?” She hissed against his face. What her father did next, if she weren’t already in a deep state of shock, would have certainly pushed her there. Lunging forward, he knocked her down to the ground and bit down on her nose.

The men who’d been holding him when he began falling to the floor were only making a token effort at holding him up, thinking he was too broken to try anything further. However, their interest became genuine when he pulled completely from their loose grip and pinned Seska by the arms, the weight of his body holding her down. They pulled; the man’s strength suddenly impossible to overpower. Blood sprayed out in a low pattern perpendicular to the floor. 

Seska screamed in agony as she felt the appendage being torn from her face, her whole body pushing against him. The cartilage snapped between his teeth as he yanked in uncontrolled fury, growling as if he were some monstrous beast instead of the man who held her when she was afraid, or told her fantastically wild and imaginative stories as she lay in bed at night. His eyes showing delight as they played together in the trees outside their home or took quiet pleasure in the way she’d learned or discovered something new. 

Releasing her arms, he wrapped his hands around her throat and began to squeeze, the muscles and veins stood out in contrast against his tanned arms. He had transformed into something she didn’t recognize any longer. He had become the beast in his stories.

Sian had never been afraid of her father, but at this moment, she was terrified of him. Her brother's arms had left her long ago after the men pinned their mother to the bed and began to defile her. He couldn’t watch it, and no rationally thinking feeling human being would want to. Instead, he had pressed himself against the wall, eyes closed, hands covering his ears. Rocking back and forth to comfort himself. 

Seska wheezed as her fingers clawed at his hands, leaving deep gouges in their wake. He was determined to end her, defile her in the only way he could. His thumbs crushed her windpipe as the men who’d resorted to hitting him across the back with the butt of their rifles pounded against his spine, eventually crushing it. He let go, his body disobeying his commands, and fell across Seska’s dead one. 

Her mother found her way back to the present and tried to sit up, the Kazon behind her was now extremely aroused wanting to take his turn just as his companion had. She began to fight as he rolled her onto her stomach as he reached down to unfasten his pants. Chakotay could only hear what was happening but was unable to move in any way to stop it, only scream in outrage, threatening to kill every one of them if they touched her again. 

This time Kathryn did scream as he entered her and continued to do so for the duration, unable to reach the place in her mind she needed to block him out. The two men who had been trying to stop Chakotay from killing Seska, abandoned him when they realized she was dead, and he was no longer a threat. One of them stepped over to the bed where her mother lay and helped the first man who’d raped her pin down her arms so the second man could enjoy his turn.

The man who lingered took a knife from his belt. Her father’s face was distorted in rage, his face red and dripping in sweat, saliva flying from his mouth, the veins in his face and neck standing out. She was right, he had become the beast from all the stories he’d ever told her. The beast that sometimes kept her up at night when the wind would howl and the trees would scrape against the logs of the house. The beast her brother sometimes teased her about as being make-believe. 

She watched as the knife slid across his throat, releasing a torrent of red liquid from the grotesque smile left upon his neck. His eyes slowly easing back into the gentle loving man she once knew before he was gone forever. And on the bed, her mother had been flipped onto her back as the next man took his turn, her screams echoing in her ears until they’d cycled down to the last man. It was only then, they allowed her to find peace against the blade of their knife.


	14. Chapter 14

The demands on a Vulcan’s self-control were often taken for granted. To say that they did not feel emotion was to say that Ferengi had only a passing interest in gold-pressed latinum. What he had just seen in Sian’s mind was deeply disturbing, and certainly explained why she had surrendered to a cationic state. He was genuinely impressed by her resilience, but in some ways, he was not surprised by it, she was in fact, after all, Kathryn and Chakotay’s daughter. 

It was indeed troubling, and after he left sickbay would need to spend some time in meditation to processes the experience from a place of peace and self-reflection. For now, if there were any chance that the child would awaken to attempt the long road, she would untimely traverse to recovery, she would need to reclaim a place of neutrality in which to begin. He would infuse her with a sense of peace to give her that start. Alleviate the confusion of her new circumstances and help reduce the intensity of the emotional response which would normally occur to the type of trauma endured. 

Once he had finished, he broke the mind-meld and opened his eyes. “She should awaken within a few hours.”

Janeway nodded, staring back at him hopeful, concerned, questioning, “Tuvok, did you see what happened?” She asked cautiously, curiously. 

He considered her for a moment, knowing the kind of woman she was, the woman he had formed a close friendship with over the last twenty-eight years. She was many things, brave, intelligent, compassionate, empathic, among others. However, a deep sense of doubt and guilt had become her constant companions. Her relationship with Captain Chakotay was helping to alleviate these powerful emotions when her first instinct was to always look within and see the negatives of a situation before acknowledging the good. 

The information, although the events had not happened to her or the Captain directly, would place a darkening upon her soul, one he was hesitant to inflict. He would be unable to hide the information for long, knowing that the child at some point would disseminate her recollections eventually. Whether she or the Captain had discussed any plans regarding either of the children’s future care was unknown and would be a substantial commitment considering the level of trauma involved. 

“Admiral,” he began just as cautious, “Both children have witnessed, and vicariously endured immeasurable mental and emotional trauma. However, the girl, unlike her brother, was a silent witness to the entirety of the events you and Captain Chakotay’s counterparts endured.”

Her eyes drifted back down to the girl, feeling an almost overwhelming sense of compassion, “Can you tell me what happened?”

Tuvok took a moment to consider the question. “I believe it would not be wise to disclose the information in such a public format.”

She nodded in understanding. If he was declining to share the information freely, then the events of their ordeal must have been extreme. A tear escaped without permission, she wiped it away quickly and took the girls hand. She hadn’t spoken a single word to her yet, and already she was feeling an inescapable bond with her, with them both. 

“If you will allow me some time to meditate, I will be sufficiently prepared to discuss the children’s experience with both you and the Captain if that is agreeable.”

“Of course,” she said softly not looking up, “Take all the time you need.”

“I will contact you tomorrow morning at zero eight hundred.” 

Once Tuvok had left, the Doctor approached and requested softly as to not startle her, “I would like to speak with you in my office for a moment, it’s regarding the children and your unborn child with the Captain.”

“Certainly,” she replied and caressed the girl’s cheek briefly before following.

When they were seated, the Doctor activated the terminal on his desk and turned it toward her so they could both see. “I have been running a complete set of bloodwork on the children, as well as deep tissue, genetic, and DNA scans. I was concerned not only for their overall general health but if the disease that affected you and the Captain, as well as your counterparts several years ago, would have been passed down to them.”

“And?” It was something she hadn’t considered.

There was a hint of a smile on his lips, “They are not infected. However,” he said pointing to a typical blood cell, “the striations in the mitochondrial wall are undamaged, whereas both yours and the Captains have been corrupted and altered over time. Through the battery of tests both of you endured, I was beginning to see a pattern forming. There weren’t enough uncorrupted mitochondria left to formulate a treatment.”

She was beginning to sense a but coming, “What are you saying Doctor?”

“The children are an exact match of both you and the Captain’s genetic material right down to their DNA, and the mitochondria in their cells have not been corrupted or damaged by any foreign agents. It means I can use those cells to formulate and synthesize a treatment that would cure you both, allowing your unborn child to gestate normally without any radical means of intervention.”

The air caught in her lungs as her hands went to her stomach. Was it possible that her ears weren’t deceiving her? That he was finally able to tell her the words she’d been hoping to hear?

“Breathe Admiral,” the Doctor said, a look of concern as he placed a hand on her shoulder.

Then she did as if she’d been waiting for permission, “Are you telling me you’ve found a cure?” She needed to hear it again, in plain simple words so there would be no mistake, her eyes meeting his, anxious, hopeful.

He smiled, “Yes Admiral, I’ve found a cure.”

She returned the smile, a sense of relief washing over her as a weight seemed to be instantly lifted from her shoulders. “What are the risks to the children?”

“Nominal.”

She nodded, knowing what he was telling her was a gift, but at the same time, she couldn’t accept it without the children’s permission. It was one thing to know there was a cure, but quite another to take the means without consent. “I need us to discuss this with Asa and Sian, when she’s awake, and after they’ve had some time to adjust before talking to them about this.”

The Doctor nodded in understanding; his ethical subroutines would not have allowed him to take the cells in this case since the children weren’t technically theirs. Even though they were minors and the burden of responsibility would normally rely on their guardians or parents to make medical decisions on their behalf. “Asa should be awake by tomorrow morning. Sian is another story.”

“Tuvok advised that she should be coming out of her cationic state soon,” she said.

“I will give her a sedative, a good night’s sleep will do her some good,” he replied.

At that moment, Chakotay entered sickbay and scanned the room. First seeing the children, he moved over to Asa to check on him, then to Sian, feeling an inexplicable bond to them both. Needing to know their condition, and now, nothing had changed.

Kathryn watched him, a smile on her lips. If she didn’t already believe he’d make a caring, kind, compassionate loving father he’d just proven it. Excusing herself, she approached him as he stood by Sian’s bed, her tiny hand in his. “Tuvok just left,” she said softly, placing a hand on his arm. The ring he’d slipped on earlier sparkling in the light. 

He looked over to her with a slight smile but could still see the concern in his eyes. “Was he able to help?”

She nodded, “He’ll discuss what he saw with us in the mind meld later after he’s had a chance to meditate.”

His expression turned serious, “Must have been pretty grim for him to feel the need to center himself.”

She agreed, “That’s not the only news.”

“Oh?” He questioned.

A full smile reached her lips, “The Doctor has found a cure.”

He smiled, feeling a sense of cautious optimism. It was then she began to explain it to him.

***

When Janeway arrived with Chakotay to her quarters, Victoria was already waiting for them with a pot of chamomile tea along with two cups. She began pouring the tea the minute the doors swished open.

“What’s all this?” Janeway asked.

“Chamomile tea and I have also taken the liberty of preparing your bed and laying out some bed clothes for you and the Captain tonight, your chronometer has been set to wake you both at zero six hundred,” she replied.

“Thank you, Victoria, but the Captain won’t be staying the night.”

As she poured the tea she replied, “In this case Admiral, I believe you are mistaken.”

“Pardon?” She said raising an eyebrow.

Setting down the pot she straightened to look up at them both, “Based on recent events, the both of you will need to provide a sense of comfort and strength for the other. Not only for the child you’re carrying Admiral, but for the children of your counterparts in sickbay.”

They were both stunned by her words, “How did you…?” Janeway began.

She had a slight smile playing at her lips, “The day I don’t know about something is the day you should be worried. It is my job to know about every situation that can affect you and do whatever I can to either help navigate or circumvent those events when they occur.”

Janeway smiled and shook her head slightly, “What would I do without you Victoria?”

“Continue reacting instead of fortifying your resolve I imagine,” she answered, the smile now filled with humor, “Now I must be going, sleep well Admiral, Captain.” Then she left through the door and headed to her quarters on the other side of the office that sat between them. 

She looked up to Chakotay with astonishment, “I should have expected nothing less from her, she seems to have better sense then we do at times.”

He agreed, equally astonished, “That’s her job, and apparently she’s damn good at it.”

Moving over to the sofa he picked up a cup, the heady aroma momentarily filling his nostrils before handing it to her and sat down to retrieve the other. She moved to sit beside him, the cup of tea resting between her fingers as she inhaled and savored the sweet odor of an apple-like and herbaceous scent before taking a sip. Neither of them spoke for several minutes, allowing the tea to comfort and dull the stress of the day.

“Before we go to bed,” Kathryn began, “We should really discuss the children’s future.”

He sighed and gave a nod, “I’ve been thinking about that myself, and I have to say that as far as I’m concerned, those are our children. We may not have given them life, but they belong to us.”

She nodded in agreement, “I never would have imagined feeling that kind of bond to a child I didn’t personally give birth to,” she said setting down the cup, “But at the same time I’m frightened and comforted by it. I know that sounds strange. It’s just somehow knowing that there was another version of us who loved each other enough to bring those children into existence gives me hope for our future.”

He set down his cup and reached over, taking her hand, “So it’s settled then, as long as the children accept us, we’ll be taking them home,” She sighed, her head dropping down, “What is it?” He asked concerned.

“It just occurred to me that we’ll have to start looking for a larger house when we return.”

He smiled, giving her hand a gentle squeeze, “That’s the least of our concerns.”

“You’re right, as usual.” She answered softly, her eyes giving a slight twinkle of admiration as she looked to him. 

“Let’s get some rest, we’ll both be better for it,” He suggested, and she agreed.

Once they were comfortable under the covers, they lay facing each other. His hand resting on her thigh, caressing it with his thumb, her leg laying across his own. Her hand caressed his cheek with her thumb, their free hands clasped gently between them, resting on the mattress below the pillows. Their foreheads pressed together, eyes closed, enjoying the sensation of closeness, knowing how much they needed, relied upon, and loved the other. 

His lips found hers first, only dispensing a few sporadic tender kisses, making her smile. She returned the sporadic kisses, sensing the smile on his lips. Finding them again, he began kissing her and didn’t stop. They were long and slow and meticulous as if he were trying to memorize the contours of her mouth. He rolled her gently onto her back, their lips never leaving the other and his hand reached between them and slid down her panties. Bending her knees, he was able to slip them off easily before she lowered them again.

Reaching out to him, she pushed down his pajama bottoms enough to free him from their constraints. Neither of their actions were hurried, taking their time to relish the taste of the other, the feel of the bodies pressing together in a natural comforting way. He slid himself inside, barely moving as their mouths continued to explore the others. This wasn’t about sex, it was about love and comfort, sharing their bodies as intimately as one might share a hug. 

To have watched them from the outside, one might notice how his movements under the covers were barely noticeable as if he weren’t inside her at all. They continued this way for quite some time, the intimate experience bringing them closer together and reconfirming the unbreakable bond between them.

Their bodies felt light, peaceful, content in this extremely rare moment of complete openness. There were no unknowable secrets, no lingering or consuming doubt, just a deeper understanding of what it meant to completely surrender your entire being, riddled with all its flaws and complexities to the other in one perfect moment of love and vulnerability. 

She felt a fluttering sensation of butterflies in the pit of her stomach, its warmth spreading slowly and gently throughout her body as if she were enjoying a good long pleasurable stretch. The muscles letting go and releasing all her stress and tension as her mouth continued to move gracefully against his, her hands caressing the rough stubble of his cheek and the smooth nape of his neck. 

His lips moved delicately, feeling, and sharing her love as his body let go. The gentle and almost nonexistent movement of his hips coming to a stop, his muscles stretching similarly to hers, releasing a wave of gentle pleasure, feeling her warm body pressed against his, providing strength and respite. His hands caressing the tender flesh of her neck, the supple skin of her thigh. 

Their lips ceased their movements as they melded into one another. This was what true love felt like. 

***

When the chronometer went off, Kathryn rolled and snuggled against Chakotay and went back to sleep, pressing herself tightly against him. He chuckled softly and silenced it before saying, “Kathryn, we have to get up.”

“Five more minutes,” she mumbled, feeling cozy, sleepy, and warm, wrapping her arms tighter around him. 

What began as a soft chuckle became a full laugh, “We don’t have time for this today.”

Turning her head, she sighed against his chest, “All right, all right, I’m getting up.” then rolled away from him. Standing, she headed straight into the 'fresher to take care of her morning business. 

Chakotay sat up and lay back against the headboard, a feeling of apprehension washing over him. He could hear her talking to him from the other room but wasn’t paying attention. 

“Chakotay?” She was staring at him now, having slipped into her robe. He didn’t have any idea how long she’d allowed his thoughts to drift until she reemerged to call him. Lowering herself next to him, she placed a hand on his chest, a look of concern in her deep blue eyes, “It’s about Asa and Sian, isn’t it?” 

The ability he possessed to read her mind gave her the tantamount effect of being able to read his. The closer they got in their relationship, the more effortless it became. He acknowledged her with a nod, “I’m finding myself anxious and terrified by what Tuvok is going to reveal. I’m whole-heartedly dreading it. But if we plan on trying to help them through these initial stages before we can get them the help they need; we have to know what happened to understand them better in the present.”

“I feel the same way,” she admitted, and he was just one of a handful of people she felt comfortable admitting that to, “You didn’t see the progressive look of anger and terror on Tuvok’s face while he was in the mind-meld with Sian. If it was enough to leave him feeling off-center when he’d broken it, I can’t imagine how the same information is going to affect us, even though I know he won’t be describing it in the same lurid detail he witnessed it, but it will be enough to give us a very clear picture.”

At times, it felt as if the universe took a perverse delight in pushing them to their breaking point, then after they’d faced and overcome the challenge, pushed further. 

He sat up a little straighter and loosened his neck and shoulders with a roll of his head and a rotation of his shoulder joints before releasing a sigh, “No sense continuing to worry about it. We’ll face it head-on, just as we always do.”

Giving him a brief smile, she nodded as he got up and headed in the 'fresher to perform his morning ritual. After getting dressed, she ordered a cup of coffee from the replicator upon entering the room. Just as she was about to bring the cup to her lips, her com badge went off. Looking into the black cup of liquid she thought, “The universe is testing me today, isn’t it?” then tapped it, opening the connection. “This is Janeway.”

 _“Admiral,”_ she recognized the voice immediately, it was Seven of Nine, _“I was unsuccessful in my attempt to contact the Captain. However, there is something happening in cargo bay one both of you will want to see.”_

She was hesitant to respond, not knowing if it was something she really did want to know about. “We’re on our way, Janeway out.”

***

When the doors to the cargo bay opened, the first thing she saw was the Doctor standing before Asa as he sat on the floor, sharing a banana with his long-time friend Bnalla. The Doctor turned to greet her and the Captain when they arrived. 

“I’m pleased you both were able to arrive so quickly,” he said with a smile, “Around zero six hundred Asa awoke and requested to see his pet Bnalla, I felt it was a good sign that he wanted to reach out to something familiar and calming.”

She smiled, watching him. This was a drastic change from the boy she’d seen yesterday and agreed with his assessment, then remembered, “Where is Seven? I assumed since she reached out to me, she’d be here.”

His face took on a softer expression, “She’s with Sian, behind the cargo containers.”

Her eyes shifted to his face, “She’s awake?” She asked surprised.

He nodded, “Perhaps you both might want to take turns in saying hello,” he encouraged.

Instantaneous apprehension and anxiety surged within her. A nonsensical stream of thought raced faster and faster in her mind. The hand she felt on her shoulder was the action that slowed this process to its customary function, “Go say hello,” Chakotay’s gentle reassuring voice encouraged, infusing her with temporary resolve. It wasn’t much, but it got her feet moving.

Making her way over to the cargo containers the Doctor pointed out, she forced herself to continue the momentum, part of her yearning to see her delicate little face. However, it was Seven’s face that came into view, she was sitting across from Sian on the floor. She stopped, studying Seven’s facial expression, trying to obtain an inkling as to what the current mood was. Now her attention was focused on the floor. 

She watched as Seven shifted her position slightly, raising her right-hand and faced it palm up. Tiny graceful fingers reached out and placed something into the palm. Falling away, a small red ball was revealed. Seven smiled and bounced the ball, her right hand reaching down, quickly grasping at something on the floor before catching it again. 

Kathryn took a couple more steps to get a glimpse of Sian, only able to see her back as she came into view. Long dark auburn locks cascaded down her tiny frame, the ends brushing across the floor. Seven’s eyes flicked over to hers and gave a gentle smile before looking back down at Sian and speaking a few soft words. The girl stood up and began to turn toward her. Kathryn’s heart began to pound, her mind hyper-focused, taking in every visual detail. 

The blue dress she now wore, the ragdoll she carried clean and free of blood and dirt, her skin a pleasant olive compromise between her parents. Her eyes were light brown mixed with warm rich undertones, eyes large and expressive. Her lips were full like her fathers, every part seemed familiar on such a personal level she couldn’t rationally explain. Sian’s eyes met hers with recognition before a profound sadness reasserted itself. Kathryn knelt and opened her arms to her, welcoming her to find any comfort she needed there. 

At first, she took a step back and only hugged the doll to her chest. Uncertain and unsure as to what she should do, how she should react. Kathryn waited patiently, inviting her to make the first move as she lowered her arms and rested her hands on her knees. Sian looked to Seven, her eyes indicating that she should go to her, and after several tense filled moments, she did cautiously, her eyes reflecting some of the same feelings she herself was experiencing. Doubt, trepidation, and a desperate need for safety and reassurance. She was shy and hesitant in her approach. When she had reached arms distance, Kathryn raised her arms again, welcoming her with a smile. It was then the child made the quick decision to take her up on the comfort she was promising and threw herself into Kathryn’s arms. 

Tears quickly filled Sian’s eyes as she buried her face in Kathryn’s neck, and released a heart-wrenching sob. Kathryn rubbed her back and cooed soothing words of comfort. She was safe, and she was loved. 

Sian never spoke as she clung to her, needing to feel and smell the familiar scent of the mother she’d lost. “I know how confusing this must be for you, but Chakotay and I are prepared to care for you and Asa as our own. That is if you feel you and your brother could allow yourselves to do that.”

Sian pulled back and met her eyes. Her hand reached up and gently touched her hair. The hair she remembered that her mother wore long, this was shorter, but in her eyes, she could see a depth of compassion her own mother had always shown her. Maybe that was enough to keep her going on this strange journey. Nodding, she wrapped her arms around her neck again and kissed her on the cheek before resting her head on her shoulder, closing her eyes. And even though she shouldn’t be lifting anything over twenty pounds in her condition, she felt she needed to, unwilling to break contact. Carefully, she stood up with her, Sian’s legs automatically wrapping around her waist as she mouthed Seven a thank you. 

Carrying her back toward the group, she could see Asa and Chakotay playing with the monkey. Now, it had grabbed Chakotay’s com badge and was studying it carefully. Asa put out his hand and the monkey placed the trinket into his palm before offering it to the man he was beginning to accept as his father. Chakotay smiled and took the com badge and placed it back onto his uniform before reaching out and giving the boys hair a ruffle, making him smile. 

As the Doctor and Seven looked on, they were already beginning to take on the appearance of a family. Smiling, he reached out and took Seven’s hand. 

“How old are you both?” Chakotay asked gently. 

“I’m nine, Sian’s six.”

At just the sound of his voice, Sian began to tighten her grip around Kathryn’s waist and neck. Confused and concerned, she held the child a little tighter, “What is it, sweetheart? What’s wrong?”

Chakotay stood up feeling the same emotions Kathryn was feeling, “What is it?” He asked, looking to his future wife. Her expression appearing as puzzled and troubled as his own. He looked back to see Sian had buried her face into Kathryn’s chest, one wide wild eye peering out at him. She looked terrified. He reached out for her, only making her press herself harder against her newfound mother. It was then they both realized she was frightened of him. 

He felt his heart drop instantly. It was already going to be hard enough helping them deal with the trauma they’d endured. How could he ever hope to help her if she were terrified of him? Furthermore, couldn’t understand why she would be. Unable to imagine even a parallel version of himself doing anything that would make her so afraid of him. 

_“Tuvok to Janeway.”_

Kathryn couldn’t answer her com badge with the girl so tightly wrapped in her arms, making Chakotay tap his own to answer his hail, “Chakotay to Tuvok, the Admiral is busy at the moment, what can I help you with?”

_“Captain, please let the Admiral know that I am prepared to meet with you both at your earliest convenience regarding the matter that was discussed yesterday evening.”_

“Acknowledged, we can meet you in my ready room in ten minutes.”

_“Understood, Tuvok out.”_

“Seven,” Kathryn whispered softly, getting her attention and spoke directly to Sian, “I’m sorry, but I have to go to a meeting. I will return as soon as I can to see you, alright?” The girl nodded and allowed herself to be transferred to Seven’s arms. Kneeling down, she took Asa’s face in her hand and gave him a smile, “I will see you soon. I’m so happy that you’re here with us and safe.” She said before giving him a kiss on the forehead. 

The Doctor was taken back by Sian’s reaction as much as the rest of them but gave them both a reassuring smile once she stood up and met his eyes, “Baby steps Captain, Admiral. Rome wasn’t built in a day,” he reminded.

They nodded, “Keep us informed,” Chakotay said as they turned to leave, allowing himself one last glance as his new daughter's disparaging face. 

“Aye Captain.”


	15. Chapter 15

Tuvok regarded them with practiced controlled restraint from his position near the rail. Looking over to his Captain and the Admiral as they sat on the padded bench under the row of windows. He had been considering how to begin this moment once he’d completed his meditations yesterday evening. His wife T’Pel was, adjuvant, stoic, assiduous. She had always been a constant and consistent source of support and strength even in her absence. 

He and T’Pel had discussed the locus, its essence, and approached it from a practiced position of reason and logic. However, as he had learned over the many years, he’s known Kathryn Janeway, when it came to matters of the human heart, logic was often unwelcomed and unwanted. 

Captain Chakotay in his view was a self-reflecting and deeply private man. As was typical with most species, he could be quite emotional, but the once angry defensive man had quelled the volatile and instantaneous eruptions over the years, becoming a person who resigned himself to a quiet calm. He was pleased to now call him a friend. 

“I must point out, that the horrific events that ended the lives of your counterparts should not be taken personally. I do expect that you will no doubt have compassion and sympathy for what they and their children endured. I, however, encourage you to keep this in mind while I relay the details of the egregious information. 

“After much reflection, I have decided to disclose the exact details as I perceived them, which is what, in this case, honesty requires for you both to truly understand the impact of what this experience has impressed upon these children, and how their eventual therapist will need to be made aware of the details in order to develop a sufficient treatment plan,” he advised with caution. 

They both nodded, holding the hand of the other without conscious thought. Waiting, anticipating the details, the worst-case scenario’s spinning unsubstantiated possibilities in their minds.

“In that timeline, your counterparts had been living on the planet they’d named New Earth for ten years. No cure was obtained from the Vidiians as it had in our timeline. They had begun a family with the birth of Asa, followed by Sian three years later. The events of the Kazon Nistrim capturing Voyager and offloading the crew on a baron planet had not occurred. Allowing Voyager to move well beyond Kazon territory by the time the Nistrim located them on the planet.

“Seska, Maj Cullah, and their son, along with several members of the Nistrim, captured your counterparts at their home. The children taking shelter in a small underground room covered by a slatted panel just inside the cupboard of their parent's bedroom. They were able to witness the interrogation and subsequent torture methods that occurred inside that room. 

He paused briefly, gaging their reaction to his words. Their faces revealing nothing, sitting in rapt attention, “When your counterpart Admiral did not give Seska the answers she required, she was led into that room where she was eventually pinned down and raped by one of the Kazon as their children witnessed the event from the small room.

A tear escaped from Janeway’s eye and tricked down her cheek. Chakotay’s face was a mask of stone, unwilling to reveal any hint of the pain he was feeling, “I wish I could tell you that this alone was the end of their involuntary association of the torture. However, there is much more they were forced to endure. 

“Their son Asa was able to disassociate himself mentally from their mother’s initial rape, taking steps to attempt to block out what was happening and begin the process of self-soothing. Sian did not possess the necessary skills to absolve herself mentally from the confusing and traumatic images. Her mind was too transfixed on the spectacle to prevent her from mentally disengaging herself. She was the only unknown witness to the tragedy. 

“Her father finally managed to force his way inside the bedroom, held between two Kazon soldiers. He was unfortunately too late to stop what was happening to their mother and was made to witness the horrific event, causing an uncontrollable and deep-seated rage to surge within. When Seska reentered the room to continue her interrogation, this time with their father, he overpowered the guards before proceeding to commit a savage brutal act against her. 

“This act was the catalyst that cultivated a deep-seated fear of her father. In his rage, he bit down on Seska’s nose and tore it savagely from her face as he choked her to death. Her guards hitting him across the back with the butt of their rifles when their attempts to force him to relinquish control had failed, eventually crushing his spine.

“She had witnessed up close her father’s moment of temporary madness. Reinforcing the already tumultuous feeling of terror she had developed. It was shortly after this; she watched his throat being cut as her mother was repeatedly raped over the next several hours. Having eventually surrendered to her own state of madness, the Kazon finally slitting her throat once they’d tired of her.”

Kathryn released a choked sob, bending forward slightly, feeling sick as she heard him describe the worst of their experience. Chakotay felt deep, unabashed anger mixed with a deep sadness. They both knew Tuvok was not given to flights of fancy, nor did he possess the required attribute for storytelling. These were facts, cold and emotionlessly delivered. 

“I realize that the details of Sian’s observations are harrowing. T’Pel and I deliberated over several methods on how the information should be disseminated. In the end, I came to realize that to deemphasize the truth to maintain a higher level of comfort, would only serve to minimize the overall impact as to the demoralizing nature of their experience. Providing you with greater perception, so you may, in turn, assist them with their need to grasp a better understanding of their experience while ultimately avoiding penetrating questions that would lead to further trauma.”

The room had become enveloped in a piercing silence, even the air felt thick and heavy. They both understood his logic, his intimate understanding of the circumstances as to why they were here, but it didn’t make what they’d just heard any easier to process. Both would need time to adjust to this unsettling and disturbing information. 

Kathryn tried to ignore the dull throb that started in her abdomen a moment ago, distracting her from focusing on what Tuvok was telling them. Her mind bombarded with horrific images. She wanted the insistent throb to go away and allow her to mindfully process the information, attempt to slow it down and assimilate it in smaller details. Right now, it was too full, the thoughts too heavy. The dull throb was beginning to transform into something sharper, more persistent, verging to the point of agonizing and making it impossible to ignore any longer.

“Kathryn?” Came Chakotay’s voice, questioning. 

She stood up and immediately felt an intense stabbing pain behind her eyes. Her hand reaching out to anything that could steady her. A pair of strong hands came to her aid, holding her up as the agonizing pain in her abdomen began to directly vie for her attention and dissuade her from the grueling pain in her head. She couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, all she could feel was a torrent of agony. 

Through the haze of unrelenting pain, she heard a calm logical voice state, “Admiral, you’re bleeding.”

***

Commander Paris was surprised to see Admiral Hastings on the view screen. He was still back on Earth at Starfleet Command and they were only two days into an excursion that would have taken them only eight hours if their slipstream drive weren’t still under repairs. His wife hoped they would have it back up before the end of the week. It wasn’t much, but at least it would cut another week off their trip.

 _“Commander, hard at work I see,”_ The Admiral greeted.

“Yes sir, the slipstream took some damage, but Commander Torres hopes to have it back up in a week.”

The Admiral regarded him with a curious expression, _“What happened to the drive?”_

“It’s a long story, sir, it will be in my report.”

He nodded, _"I was calling to speak with Admiral Janeway or Captain Chakotay for a status report on the mission. We had expected Voyager’s return over ten hours ago.”_

He was hesitant to explain, but knew he would have to, “They are currently in a meeting discussing an unexpected development. I will advise them to contact you as soon as that meeting has concluded.” His explanation was purposefully vague, hoping he would allow him to leave it at that. Trying to buy more time for the Captain and Admiral to get a better handle on the situation. He was wrong. 

_“What might that be Commander?”_

He didn’t want to say it outright, knowing that the situation was already delicate enough, to begin with. Besides, this was the Admiral’s mission, it should be she who explained the situation in greater detail. In fact, she was a master at it. “They are beginning to learn that the newfound joys of possible parenthood aren’t always as rosy as one would like to believe,” He answered, not considering how vague his words continued to sound, or that Admiral Hastings didn’t have a clue as to the children they’d rescued. He had been thrown off his game at the thought of what those children must have endured. How they had just lost both their parents only to be rescued by their duplicates. If that wasn’t a big kick in the ass by the universe, he didn’t know what was. 

Hastings regarded him a moment before speaking, surprised that the Admiral would have announced her pregnancy to anyone. However, most of them weren’t just anyone, they were her and the Captain’s extended family, it made sense in some ways that she might mention it to them. Giving a slight smile he replied, _“So, Admiral Janeway’s pregnancy is progressing a little roughly I take it.”_ It wasn’t until he noticed their stunned expressions that he realized they might not be talking about the same thing.

Paris was the first to speak, impressed with himself by how well he’d managed to hide his initial reaction, “The Admiral’s pregnant?”

Hastings's face slowly took on a look of puzzlement, _“I was under the impression that’s what you were referring to Commander.”_

“I apologize for the confusion Admiral; I was referring to the two children we rescued from the spacial rift we were sent to investigate. They are children who belonged to the Captain and Admiral’s counterparts from another timeline,” then cursed himself for being so vague in the first place. 

The Admiral seemed slightly embarrassed and angry with himself for having made such a grievous error, for automatically assuming. He knew better and should have asked more leading questions. 

Before anyone could utter another sentence, Chakotay and Tuvok exited the ready room holding Janeway between them. She was holding her abdomen, her face twisted in agony as they headed for the turbolift. 

“Commander, advise sickbay we’re on our way and that we have a medical emergency,” Chakotay barked harshly.

Tom ignored the tone, knowing the man was panicked, he certainly would be if B’Elanna were in that position, “Aye Captain,” he said then looked to Harry who was already relaying the information to sickbay before turning back to the Admiral, “I’m sorry sir.”

_“I understand Commander, take care of the Admiral, we’ll talk soon. Hastings out.”_

***

Chakotay and Tuvok’s hands, along with the front of their uniforms were covered in blood as they entered sickbay, making the trip slightly more arduous as their linked arms under her thighs kept slipping every time her body squirmed in automatic response to the pain she was in. 

Runningwolf, who had finally agreed to have his broken knuckles treated once they’d swollen to such a degree, he couldn’t use his hands, was immediately drawn to the commotion at the door. By the time they’d entered with the Admiral stretched across their arms in a swing carry, they’d just completed repairing the damage. 

Without thought or permission, he rushed over to help, a deep pain instantly wounding his heart at the sight of her pale sweat-stained face, appearing to be on the verge of passing out. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the brig Lieutenant?” Chakotay asked roughly as he passed, he was only getting in the way. 

“Put her down here,” Doctor Vanndorr Gand said standing next to the biobed. 

“I’ve had some medical training, I can help,” he offered.

“We have nurses Lieutenant,” Tuvok pointed out as they laid her down on the bed and Doctor Gand began immediately scanning.

Grabbing Chakotay by the arm, he tried to shrug him off, but the strength of his grip prevented it. His eyes flashed angrily, turning to meet his and was disarmed by the intense look of desperation, helplessness, panic, a reflection of what he was feeling, “Please Captain, don’t ask me to stand by and do nothing,” he pleaded, his tone reminding him that the situation was just as real and personal for him.

He should have had Tuvok take him back to the brig, but instead, he gave a quick nod of consent. As much as he didn’t like it, he was in love with her too, and forcing him to abandon her would only serve to deepen the man’s pain. Knowing that if he were him, he’d tear down every obstacle with his bare hands just to get to her.

Tuvok stepped forward to handle the situation but the hand Chakotay placed on his shoulder stopped him, causing him to regard his Captain with a curious expression, “Leave him be for now.”

“As you wish, Captain,” then stood back. 

Runningwolf offered Chakotay an awkward smile and released his arm before heading over to the biobed. Standing beside Doctor Gand, he looked at the readings coming up on the display panel over the bed. 

“I need an Immunosuppressant if we’re going to try and stop the patient from miscarrying,” Doctor Gand informed the nurse from across the biobed, who immediately went to the medication stand to retrieve it. 

Chakotay tapped his com badge and contacted the Doctor, advising him of the situation and gave his assurance he would be there right away.

Looking down at Doctor Gand, Runningwolf noticed he’d pulled something from his pocket. Without a word, he reached out to place the contents into the Admiral’s neck. Before his hand could complete the action, Runningwolf grasped it and held it at bay, “What is that medication Doctor?”

Gand began to try and free himself, sounding rushed and indignant, “I don’t have to explain myself to you, Lieutenant, I’m the Chief Medical Officer aboard this ship and I will do what I must to assist my patient. Now release me,” he demanded, sounding slightly panicked.

“Why don’t you show us what it is?” He asked, deadly serious.

“We don’t have time for this!” He shouted trying to switch the item to his free hand, but Runningwolf yanked his arm up roughly, preventing him from completing the action.

The nurse injected the Immunosuppressant into the Admiral’s neck as the struggle continued then stepped back, trying to get out of the way.

“What the hell are you doing Lieutenant?” Chakotay demanded angrily. 

“He’s trying to inject the Admiral with something he’s pulled from his pocket Captain,” Runningwolf explained.

“Doctor?” Chakotay questioned taking a step forward, “Show me what you have,” his tone left no room for doubt.

He was the chosen, it was up to him to complete the cycle and exact revenge for what this woman had done. She would accept nothing less than perfection. Summoning all his strength, he dug his thumb into Runningwolf’s eye, crushing the globular organ. Involuntary he let go, his hand covering the injury as he pushed himself forward and knocked Gand off-balance. His hand reaching out and grabbed at his chest, his fingers finally closing around the material at the last possible moment and pulled him down on top of him. 

Tuvok rushed forward, grabbing Runningwolf by the arms and attempting to haul him back to his feet as Chakotay’s head turned to see the Doctor, Seven, Asa, and Sian entering sickbay. 

Doctor Gand lie on the floor, the wind knocked out of him, the item he’d been accused of holding no longer in his hand. His eyes instantly searched the ground for it, unable to locate anything out of place. 

“Tuvok!” Came a warning cry from his Captain. 

Looking to the officer he was still holding, began to see familiar and unsettling striations forming across his face as the man stared back at him, his left eye now an empty socket, blood, and pus oozing down his cheek. Something was forming in the dark hole of his face, his eyes focused in, his disciplined mind unfazed by the grotesque discovery. 

A small blue pinpoint of light began to form in the darkness, getting larger and brighter after several seconds. Slinging him back against the wall behind him, he pulled his phaser and fired. Instantly, a hole appeared in his chest. The young man only stared at Tuvok with disinterest as he headed toward him, hand raised. 

Another shot rang out, this time from the security officer by the door, the one who had escorted Runningwolf here in the first place. Seven stood behind him, shielding the children behind her as the Doctor who’d already made his way over to the Admiral during the struggle, continued treating her, noting the bleeding had slowed but hadn’t stopped, quickly he injected her with another immunosuppressant.

A cylindrical metallic object began to emerge from his socket, building upon and extending itself. The light-emitting from its center was blinding as it flashed across Tuvok’s eyes, gripping the wrist of the hand coming toward his neck and trying to summon all his strength to keep it at bay, gritting his teeth as he tried to ignore the searing pain in his eyes that the light had temporally inflicted. 

Seeing that Tuvok was beginning to lose control of the situation, Chakotay stepped up to help, trying to combine his strength with Tuvok’s to get the man under control and give him more time to recuperate from the unexpected blindness. Chakotay shoved Runningwolf’s body hard against the wall, attempting to hold him there as he used both his hands to push the man’s arm away from Tuvok’s neck. 

As Tuvok began to recover, a slim arm thrust itself between them. Chakotay hadn’t seen her approach. Aiming her Borg plated hand at Runningwolf’s throat she investigated the man’s face seeing nothing left of him. With a strong sense of pity and sadness, she said, “Resistance, is futile,” as the tubules shot forth from between her knuckles and into his throat. 

Runningwolf stopped as if someone had just flicked the off switch. He fell forward as dead weight against Chakotay. Between the three of them, they lowered him to the floor. Over their heads, a shot was fired. Looking up, they saw Doctor Gand standing motionless over the Admiral, a surgical laser scalpel falling from his hand, several seconds later he followed. 

Swiping the scalpel away with his hand, Tuvok reached out and searched for a pulse, finding none. 

All motion stopped as a loud high-pitched angry cry erupted from their corner of the room, causing all heads to turn and investigate. And there, standing next to the stunned security officer was Sian, his phaser gripped tightly in her hand and filled with unapologetic rage. Pointing it directly at Doctor Gand, her voice dropped in volume and inflection, just as her mothers did when she was angry, “You will not hurt my mommy.”


	16. Chapter 16

Unbeknownst to anyone bar the older version of Admiral Janeway before her death and the death of the Borg Queen on the transwarp hub, she had been keeping a secret of her own. She knew they were planning to use or possibly try to damage or destroy her hub, and in the event Voyager’s crew were successful, she began to develop a contingency plan. 

She knew that the Admiral and the Captain respected her cunning, even feared it, but it never stopped them from interfering with her interests. Their species wasn’t any more remarkable than any other but seemed to possess a degree of luck all other species lacked. Not since Data and Picard had she allowed herself to become so vulnerable. That level of weakness had cost her a great deal, her life. 

It had taken a couple of years to recover from that loss. Having to go through the process of rebirth, cloned from her DNA kept in stasis. Enduring the process of having her memories uploaded. The initial moment of fear and confusion until her memories became as solid and clear as the voices she controlled. 

After Voyager had entered the aperture, and the eventual realization as to what the Admiral had done, infecting her with a virus that would destroy the link between her organic and cybernetic components, her last thoughts had turned to Voyager’s captain. If Captain Janeway was dead, then what had just happened would be erased. It was then she gave her last orders to the sphere that could still hear her thoughts. 

They had constructed a device that not only housed a modified assimilation virus but the instructions on how it was to be deployed. When Voyager was encompassed inside their ship, for the briefest of moments as they exited the transwarp conduit, the surge of energy their departure produced disabled the defensive cycle of their ablative armor for less than a second, along with all their other systems. It wasn’t enough of a disruption to strike a blow to their ship, but it was enough for them to transport something inside before their systems completed the cycle and could alert them to the intrusion. 

From there it waited, patient, silent until the right moment presented itself. It was Doctor Gand who had been part of the team sent to secure and study the Borg artifacts Voyager had collected over the years. Thanks to a freak accident that caused moderate brain injury when he was a child, he had been fitted with a neural sequencer to regulate his auditory and visual functions.

The artifact exploited this weakness, called to him, overriding his better judgment, and prevented him from stopping the action. He reached into the stasis unit and picked up the item which had been singing a siren’s call that had become impossible to resist. Encouraging him, enticing him to grasp it with his bare hands. Tiny tubules shot forth and stung him, imparting instructions which until that moment lie dormant, and relayed the Borg Queen’s contingency plan.

He had taken the injection node and slipped it into his pocket. It didn’t take long, only a year for him to be able to enact her final wishes. Janeway was to be punished. It was ironic, a form of poetic justice to quote a human phrase, that she should spend eternity as the one thing all species across all the quadrants were right to fear, the Borg Queen herself. 

She would be infused with the desire and the will to conquer, to assimilate her closest friends and family, her colleagues. Creating a new collective from the ashes of the old and using the Admirals technology from the future to strengthen and fortify the Borg in a way it had not done since the first age. Her revenge would be complete.

However, as with all plans, there can be a margin for error when left in the hands of mortals. Her own creation using the power she’d bestowed upon her that defeated her in the end. It was certainly, as the humans would say, ironic. 

***

Holding the phaser, she realized something about herself. She had become the beast, the mythical figure that had always been a theme in her father’s stories. All she could remember now was seeing her mother laying on the biobed, her father, and the tall man struggling with a man who had become a monster. Seven rushing forwards to help slay him, and Doctor Gand, who she thought was gentle and kind, coming around the corner with something in his hand, something she didn’t like. There was an overwhelming sense of impending danger, and she knew she was the only one who could save her. This time she wouldn’t fail.

She had stood by and did nothing while those strange men with their odd looks and foul smells continued to repeatedly lay down on top of her mother. They would move their hips against her, make funny sounds as her mother screamed in protest. Holding down her arms, forcing her to endure the experience until the next man was ready to take his turn. They would laugh, mock her, use rough sounding language she’d only ever heard her mother or father utter when they’d really hurt themselves. 

She knew time was passing, how much she didn’t know. Her mother, over this unabridged period, had begun to slowly change into someone she didn’t recognize. Her screams had turned to cries, then to pleas, until she did something she had not expected, laugh. Sian couldn’t remember when she began to see the blood-forming between her thighs, only remembering that she’d always associated the color with anger. 

Holding her doll she stood frozen, unable to find the motivation to move. Her mother laughed in the face of the last Kazon who had finished having his way with her. The distance in her deep blue eyes had become unreachable, the crossing into madness unknowable. She didn’t seem aware of the fact she was about to die; at that point, she didn’t appear to care even as he’d pulled his knife. She ridiculed him, mocked his prowess as a lover, her laughter was maniacal, her expression deranged. In anger he slit her throat, ending the suffering and dropped his knife on top of her. At some point, she gazed back upon her father’s face, the pool of angry tears beneath him, and noticed the vacant look in his eyes. She would never see him or her mother again. 

It was the silence afterward she found the most difficult to bear. The lack of movement in the room. There was a stillness in the air, filled with strong smells, some of which she didn’t recognize. Then came a soft sniffle beside her, breaking the silence, a ragged breath. It sounded strained, vulgar, and inhuman. Slowly she turned her head, barely able to make out her brother’s outline in the dark. He was sobbing and inconsolable. Maybe if she could cry too it might make the numbness go away. 

She moved away from the slatted panel and lay down, facing the wood-lined ceiling of the room, seeing dirt sandwiched between the boards. Nothing seemed real anymore. The perceptions of life she once held as truth were gone, replaced by something wicked and malevolent. There was no way for her to know that life could produce such vile evil creatures, the idea unimaginable, until today. 

She lay there, holding her doll. Sometimes thinking, sometimes drifting. Her mind would reach back into the archive and latch on to a memory. Now she was remembering a night that happened a year ago. Her mother, father, brother, and herself had laid side by side on a blanket and looked up at the stars. The wind was warm, wafting sweet smells of grass and earth. Cuddling against her father, he would point up at the distant unknown constellations and tell her stories about them. He was always filled with stories, and to her, his imagination was larger than the universe.

“Tell me the story about the angry warrior Daddy,” she said, it was one of her favorites.

“Well,” he answered, “There was an angry warrior who used to live in conflict with the rest of his tribe. A man who couldn’t find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he struggled with his discontent, but the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe, led by a woman warrior. She called upon him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on her needs would come first, and in that way, the warrior began to know, the true meaning of peace.”

“That’s how mommy knew you loved her,” She stated softly.

He smiled, but it was her mother who answered, Asa, snuggled up beside her, “Yes, but the woman warrior was afraid to accept the gift he was offering. She was too busy worrying about her tribe to consider the future. It was the angry warrior’s comfort and newfound peace that eventually showed her that she didn’t have to face the world alone, finally allowing her to accept his gift. And over time, as their love grew, they created out of that love two miraculous and wonderous gifts that became the embodiment of their love and peace.”

“Me and Asa,” she said.

“That’s right,” her father answered, wrapping his arm around her, and holding her tighter.

She loved that memory; it was one of her favorites. Now they were gone. There would be no more stories, no angry or woman warriors. It was just she and Asa now, and she felt neither miraculous nor wonderous. She felt numb and empty. 

Her father approached slowly, his hands up in a disarming gesture and said her name softly, “Sian, put down the phaser. Your mother’s safe, you’re safe, everyone’s safe. Let us take it from here, okay sweetheart?”

She stared at him, seeing no trace of the beast she’d seen before. His eyes were kind, concerned, and filled with worry. How could she have thought he was a monster when it was she who was the monster, “Daddy,” she began dropping the phaser, “I’m sorry for being bad, I’ll do better I promise,” it was then she felt warm tears for the first time since she and her brother found themselves banished to that unbearably hot stuffy room. 

He knelt slowly in front of her with a gentle smile, “It’s alright my brave sweet girl,” he said taking her into his loving arms, “you did the right thing.”

Comforted and relieved, she cried against his neck, hugging him tightly.

***

Seven had taken the children to the mess hall for some lunch, then back to the cargo bay for a few games and to play with the pet who had once been their only friend, Bnalla. Chakotay wanted the children to get away from the horror of the situation, feeling if anyone could use a pleasant distraction it was them, they more than deserved it. 

As the bodies of Lieutenant Jason Runningwolf and Doctor Vanndorr Gand were removed and placed into the morgue stasis units for the ride home, he couldn’t help feeling a sense of sorrow for them. Jason had been a nice guy, a good officer, and even though they were both in love with the same woman, he felt he deserved better than what life had ultimately given him. Knowing that if it weren’t for that love, he wouldn’t have ended up in a fight with a fellow officer that had sent him to the brig, thereby creating the circumstances for the reason he ended up in sickbay in the first place. If it weren’t for him, Kathryn would have been assimilated instead of sleeping. 

The Doctor waved him over to his office, wearily, he joined him. Stopping briefly to use the sonic scrubber to clean the blood from his hands. As he took a seat, he stared up at the Doctor’s face, seeing the same deep lines of stress he also displayed, “The Admiral is going to be fine, she’s resting peacefully.”

He almost didn’t want to ask the next question but had to know, “And the baby?”

“Still hanging in there,” he said with a hint of a smile. His head fell forward with a sigh as relief washed through him, “However, she’s still not out of the woods yet. The immunosuppressants are a stopgap measure only. To prevent another chance of reoccurrence, I’ll need to start working on the serum that will cure both your conditions.”

“I know, but how can I ask this of them? They’ve both been through so much already.”

“If what you’ve just witnessed hasn’t convinced you that those children are willing to do whatever it takes to help and protect you, then I don’t know what will.”

He was right. At different times, each of them had shown how far they’re willing to go to protect them from harm, “Alright Doctor, I’ll discuss it with then in a couple of hours. Give them a chance to decompress. Will Kathryn and the baby be alright for at least that long?”

“I believe so, but I wouldn’t put it off any later than that.”

Chakotay gave a nod of understanding. He didn’t want to come right out and ask the children, not wanting to give them the impression that they were trying to use them. The situation had to be handled delicately, but he didn’t know how to start. 

He was weary, run-down, and needed to rest. Thanking the Doctor, he walked over and took a seat next to Kathryn and took her hand. He couldn’t help remembering the last time this happened when she’d lost the baby. Seeing her like that today brought it all back for him. It had been something he’d done his best not to think about, unable to change it. 

Leaning forward, he rested his head on the side of the bed and allowed his eyes to close for a moment.

***

He was sitting on the far end of the sofa with a book in his hand, Kathryn’s feet in his lap as she lay stretched out, her head resting on a pillow propped against the arm on the other side, also reading. Rubbing her shins absently with his hand, it was nice to just spend a quiet evening together. Nights like these had been rare, each of them consumed by duty to finish their work. 

He was reading, “The Memorable Thoughts of Socrates” by Xenophon. Who’d also written “Hellenica,” that carried on the history of Greece from the point at which Thucydides closed his history until the battle of Mantineia. But in this book, it was the best memorial of his old guide, philosopher, and friend. Brought together in simple and direct form, the views of life that had been made clear to himself by the teaching of Socrates.

He had found himself becoming more interested in philosophy as the years passed, even more so than when he was a young man. It was the book Kathryn had lent him years ago “Dante’s Inferno” (the divine comedy), that rekindled his interest on the subject. The ideas between the pages of those many books began to slowly alter his perceptions on the way he viewed life, love, happiness, death, sadness, and despair. Helping him discover a deeper meaning of peace. He had thought he had been sufficiently enlightened until he and Kathryn’s lives crossed paths again. 

He thought he knew love in its deepest purest form, but there was a lacuna in his logic. One cannot know the purest form of love until they stumble upon it. When he did, he became ipso facto due to the very nature of his feelings. Now she was here, his macrocosm come to life. Pouring his cynosure and vitality into maintaining its existence. She had done the same once they’d made their commitment, creating a bond that only delved deeper, hovering between the moments, by the passage of time. 

There was a sharp intake of breath, a tension in her body as she drew her legs up. The book sliding from her hand and tumbling onto the floor. He closed and set down his book on the coffee table at once, “Kathryn? What is it, honey?”

She was turning onto her side, facing the back of the sofa, drawing in her appendages close to her body, a look of pain etched on her face as her hands pressed against her abdomen, “Sharp…tight…” Was all she could manage.

Rushing over to the com system, he activated it and reached out to the Doctor. As he explained, the Doctor’s voice was the calm reassuring comfort he needed to get through the initial panic. He was no good to her if he allowed himself to surrender to it, one of them had to be in control of the situation, and right now he would have to be that person. 

_“Bring her to Starfleet Medical, I’ll meet you there.”_

“Why can’t we just beam her out?”

_“If she’s miscarrying, transporting her will only facilitate the process leading to further complications, but if you can’t get her there, we’ll have to risk it.”_

“No,” he said quickly, “I’ll get her there.”

 _“See you both soon,”_ The Doctor said, then broke the link.

When he looked back, there was blood on the sofa cushion where she was laying, her cries and moans of pain providing a reminder to keep his feet moving. Picking her up, she cried out in pain with the sudden shift and new center of gravity. He’d almost dropped her when she leaned away from him but managed to keep his hold. Securing her in his arms, he headed for the door and made his way to Starfleet Medical. He kept thinking that the Doctor will know how to stop this, making constant assurances to her and himself that everything was going to be fine, but it wasn’t.

Later, as the Doctor stepped out of the room. Chakotay’s shirt, arms, and lap smeared with blood except for his hands where he’d cleaned them off on the backside of his pants and stood up to meet him. The Doctor’s face was disparaging, only confirming what he’d tried so hard to deny, Kathryn had lost the baby, “How’s Kathryn? Is she alright?”

“Yes,” then nodded in confirmation, “I had to give her a sedative, but the baby…”

“I know, you don’t have to say it,” He interjected, sparing him from verbally stating something he already knew to be true, “You’ll find a cure Doctor, we have faith in you.”

The corners of his mouth drooped down, the confidence he seemed to have in him felt unjustified, “Captain, I appreciate your faith in my abilities, but there are just some things that even I can’t cure. It doesn’t mean that I will stop searching, however.”

He allowed a moment to pass before asking, “Can I see her?”

“Yes, of course.”

Moving past him, he stepped into the room. Kathryn laid on the bed, completely still. He could still see the wet tears staining her cheeks. Reaching out gently with his hand he wiped them away planted a kiss on her temple. Taking the seat next to her bed, he took her hand in his and leaned forward, resting his head on the side of her bed, and allowed his eyes to close for a moment. 

***

“Chakotay,” He heard her call softly, her slim delicate hand stroking his hair with her fingers. 

Sitting up slowly, he felt his back muscles twinge in protest, causing him to release a soft painful moan, “Welcome back,” he said with a tender smile.

She returned it, only half-hearted, much in the same way he’d presented it. “I didn’t want to wake you, but you were beginning to snore.”

He gave her a self-righteous look, “I don’t snore.”

She smiled again, this time more genuine, “Keep telling yourself that.”

He returned it and found her hand again, “So how are you feeling?”

She sighed, “Better, the Doctor says I should be alright in a couple of days, but he’s still concerned about the baby.”

Chakotay nodded in agreement, “So am I,” then broached the subject, “We were talking earlier, he is urging that we ask the children to help us.”

“I know, he said the same thing to me a moment ago.”

He could see her thoughts begin to drift, “How do you feel about that?”

She shook her head slightly, “Like we’d be using them. They’ve already been through so much; I’m not prepared to lay this at their feet.”

He nodded, feeling the same way.

The door opened, Asa walked into the room followed by Sian, Seven was nowhere to be seen. They headed straight for them, Asa’s expression was one of concern and worry. Sian walked up to Kathryn and placed the ragdoll she always kept near beside her on the bed before allowing her hand to come to rest on Kathryn’s arm. Her brown eyes filled with hesitation and doubt. 

Carefully, she opened her mouth and said, “I want you to have Princess Phoebe, she will protect you while Asa and I go see the Doctor so we can fix your broken belly. It’s not fair that the baby should live someplace broken.”

Kathryn and Chakotay were speechless, neither knew what to say. 

“We love you Mom and Dad,” Asa began, “We failed you once, we won’t do it again,” he finished and walked around the bed to hug his father. Chakotay hugged him back, stunned. 

Similarly, Kathryn felt the same way as she looked back into Sian’s eyes, eyes that told her a story, one that stated she was finally home.


	17. Chapter 17

Kathryn couldn’t stop the tears forming in her eyes as she looked at Sian. She was her and Chakotay’s daughter now, and felt, as she did almost from the moment she laid eyes on her, that she owed it to her counterpart to care and love her children in her stead as if they were her own. It was a responsibility she was finding herself happy to bear. 

Chakotay also felt the weight of that responsibility as he held his new son. He and Kathryn’s son now, he would love and protect them as his counterpart would have wanted and try to give them all the things, they would have wished for them. What loving, caring parent wouldn’t want their children to have better, be better people than they were?

Reaching out her hand, she lightly grasped Sian’s chin, “Who told you about the baby and my broken belly?” She asked, using her daughter’s description.

She was gauging her reaction, not wanting to get anyone in trouble, “Don’t get mad.”

“I won’t get mad sweetheart,” she smiled as if to prove it.

“Seven told us when we were playing with Bnalla in the cargo bay. We asked her why you and Daddy were here. She didn’t want to tell us, but we made her tell. If there was something wrong with you or Daddy, we couldn’t stand by and do nothing like…”

Her words trailed off, her eyes drifting down as a mournful expression began to adorn her delicate face. Kathryn held her chin a little firmer, “Look at me,” she commanded, and the girl met her eyes, shining with tears, “You and Asa didn’t fail them,” she said holding her gaze, “You did exactly what you were meant to do, stay alive. We don’t want you or your brother to ever feel guilty about that, and neither would they. Understand?”

The tears began to fall from her eyes. Kathryn held her arms out to her and she climbed up onto the biobed to reach their comfort, needing it more than she ever had. Snuggling beside her and into her arms, she closed her eyes as the tears continued to make their journey, and for a moment, it felt as if every horrible feeling had been erased for a little while.

***

Chakotay awoke the next morning with both children in his bed. Snuggled up on either side of him. He had a bed set up in his quarters for them to sleep while they were here, but by the looks of it, neither of them had stayed in it exceptionally long after he fell asleep. Part of him never thought he would ever have the chance to be a father, especially when he found himself stranded in the delta quadrant. What had made the situation particularly complicated was that the woman he’d fallen in love with was his Captain, it certainly put a damper on things.

_“Torres to Chakotay.”_

Damnit, he thought. He didn’t want to disturb them, but he needed to answer the hail. Slowly maneuvered himself out of the bed.

_“Torres to Chakotay, please respond.”_

“Hold your Targs woman.” He muttered, finally making it out of the bed without waking either of them and snatched his com badge from the nightstand on his way to the living area. Tapping it, his voice sounded harsher than intended, “This is Chakotay.”

The was a brief silence before she responded, _“My, aren’t we a grumpy bear this morning.”_

“I’m sorry, I was trying to keep from waking the children,” he explained before asking, “What can I help you with this morning Commander?”

There was a smile to her voice now, _“I thought you’d like to know that we have the slipstream drive back up and running, we should reach Earth in about five hours.”_

“Thanks, B’Elanna, that’s good to hear.”

_“On a side note, I found something in the shuttle the children arrived in.”_

He was afraid of what it might be but had to ask. “What did you find?”

_“I think it would be best if you came down to engineering. I have a feeling you’re going to want to see this personally.”_

The way she’d said it sounded odd, but let it pass. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Chakotay out.”

Reaching out to Seven, he asked her to stay with the children so he could get back to work, she was happy to agree. It got him thinking that if the Doctor didn’t watch himself, he might end up becoming a father himself at this rate.

Walking into engineering, he found B’Elanna standing by the slipstream drive. Now she was passing on some instructions to him as her eyes met his for an instant then looked back to the man in front of her. When he’d left, he stepped up to her and said, “You’re looking radiantly maternal this morning,” and offered her a friendly smile.

She gave a grin and rubbed her belly gently, “You know something, with Miral all I kept craving was blood pudding. With this one, it’s banana pancakes. My blood sugar is having a field day,” He laughed softly, feeling slightly bad for her. She cocked her head to the side, indicating that she wanted him to follow her, “Rumor has it that someone else on this ship is expecting a little bundle of joy. However, that would be ridiculous since they certainly would have told one of their oldest and dearest friends.”

He smiled as they entered her office, “I’m sorry B’Elanna but the Admiral and I weren’t ready to make the announcement just yet. It’s still very new for us.”

She took the seat behind her desk as Chakotay took the one across from her, “I’m sorry to hear about the Admiral. How is she?”

“Better, she should be ready to move under her own power within the next couple of days.”

Leaning back in her chair she regarded him with an amused smile, “I never thought I’d see the day when you’d settle down and start a family.”

“Look who’s talking,” he replied.

“Touché,” Leaning forward again she rested her hands over her stomach, “In all seriousness, what’s going to happen to the children?”

“Kathryn and I are going to raise them. Genetically they’re a perfect match of us.”

Her eyes narrowed in concern, “Are you sure that’s wise? Those children witnessed some horrific things. You and the Admiral would have to dedicate a considerable amount of time helping them overcome that.”

“We love them. We’ll do whatever we have to and make sure they get the help they need. We’re committed to that.”

“I hope you both know what you’re doing, and I wish you both the best of luck. However, that’s not the reason why I asked you to come down here. I told you I found something in the shuttle now that I’ve had the time to look at it. I found several holo-recordings your counterparts made of the children over the years, along with some personal logs which I’ve downloaded to both you and the Admiral’s personal database. Whether you choose to show it to them is up to you. I also accessed the black box recording. It wasn’t what you’d call light viewing.”

He regarded her with a cautious look, “What did you see?”

“How about you look for yourself. You’ll find the file under shuttle zeta six. After you’ve watched it, if you need to talk, you know where to find me,” she said standing up, her hand patting him on the shoulder as she left him alone in her office. 

He was feeling weary from these constant surprises regarding his children’s experiences. Each time he heard something new about the horrors they experienced it made him feel anger, sadness, and despair. Somehow, and he couldn’t explain why it was the case, but if these events had happened to an adult it wouldn’t be hitting him on the same emotional level. Why is that? Is it because they were not just his children now, but because they were children in the first place?

Turning the terminal toward him, he found the file but also found himself hesitating to activate it. What new circle of hell was he about to voluntarily witness? If he continued to allow himself to delay the action any longer, he’d never watch it, but he needed to. He needed to know as much as he could to help them cope later. Closing his eyes for a second, he pressed the button, then opened his eyes.

The shuttle door was open, there was a Kazon sitting at the controls and attempting to access the panel which appeared to be locked out. He heard someone approach but didn’t turn around, _“Dirro, contact the Maj and let him know we’ll need a code breaker.”_

The two children walked up slowly; Asa approached the man from behind. He held a blood-stained knife in his hand. When the Kazon did not receive an answer, he began to turn around in the chair. His eyes met Asa’s, and he raised his arm to reach for the disrupter rifle on his back, at the same moment, a spray of blood shot out in front of him as a knife flashed across his throat. Stopping the action, his hands went to his throat as he fell from the chair and began thrashing around on the ground, unable to stop the precious life source from escaping his body. Intense rage-filled Asa, Chakotay could see it on his young face as he began stabbing the man, using the knife in both hands. As the man rolled onto his back in a submissive way, he began to stab the man in the groin repeatedly and cried out, _“You raped my mother you monster! You killed my father! I will end you! You hear me monster! I WILL END YOU!”_

There was a distant shout as Asa then dropped the knife and unclipped the rifle from its sling on the Kazon’s back. _“Help me.”_ He called to Sian, and after a few seconds, she did. She had stood watching what her brother had done with no interest as she walked up helped him roll the man out of the shuttle. A disrupter blast landed near them, followed by more shouting. _“Unlock the controls like mom and dad showed us,”_ he ordered Sian, wordlessly she went to the controls and began tapping them in. The shuttle hummed to life. Asa hit the controls to close the door. 

As the door began to close, he began shooting the disrupter rifle with a look of extreme pleasure and satisfaction. A shot made its way inside, hitting Asa and sending out a fine spray of blood as he was knocked off his feet and fell on his left side. He lay motionless as the doors finally closed. Sian had already made her way back to the controls and began the flight sequence once they had. Soon the shuttle took off, making its way from the surface and into orbit. 

She could hear Maj Cullah’s voice over the com system. Demanding their identity and that they return the shuttle but continued to ignore him. Even at six, she seemed to be a better-skilled pilot than most people three times her age without any formal training. Executing evasive maneuvers as Cullah fired upon them. There was suddenly a bright flash, illuminating the confines of the shuttle, it had come from outside as they passed through the rift. Once the light faded, and the image became clear, she began falling from the chair, her eyes wide and unblinking. 

From there they were beamed to sickbay and the shuttle tractored into their shuttle bay as Voyager’s fight with Maj Cullah began. 

Chakotay leaned back in the chair feeling heavy. His son had killed a man, the reasons why he did it was understandable. It was the rage he expressed as he not only continued to assault him but _how_ that had him feeling disturbed, not to mention the look of pleasure and satisfaction he got from firing the disrupter at the Kazon who were in the process of trying to stop him. These events only added a deeper layer to the trauma the children had already experienced. 

He would never abandon them, they were his children now, but couldn’t help wondering if they were too broken to ever be whole again. He’d had similar feelings when he joined the Maquis, indulged quite a few of his darker impulses during his time with them. He was a grown man however, not a nine-year-old boy. The stress of the last few days finally caught up with him, and he cried, really sobbed in the chair in front of B’Elanna’s desk, wondering if any events in the future would help lesson his children’s scars from the past. 

Once his tears had stopped and he regained some control over his emotions, he accessed his personal database, curious to know more about the man his counterpart was and if there were any clues in his final log that might have given him any indication he may have been aware of the Kazon beforehand. Accessing the logs, he recalled his last entry. It was recorded one day before the horrific events that followed. 

The man before him smiled, a combination of excitement and sadness in his eyes. _“Chakotay’s personal log, stardate 62360.29. Well, we’re about to spend our last week here. After ten years, Kathryn has finally discovered a cure that will allow us to leave New Earth. I’m really going to miss this place, it’s become our home, but we must do this for the sake of the children. Kathryn and I aren’t getting any younger, and once we’re gone the children will be left to care for themselves. Before that happens, we need to find a new place to put down roots, allow the children to form new relationships with others, get to know people._

_“We’d both like to think that Voyager’s made it home by now, but if not, we hope their journey has been a peaceful one. They're never too far from our thoughts,”_ He appeared nostalgic for a moment before continuing, _“The children are aware that we’re going somewhere, but not that we’re leaving the planet. I took them up for a ride in the shuttle again just to take their minds off it while Kathryn finishes gathering the supplies, we plan to take with us. She has been one of the brightest lights through this whole experience, and on a personal note, I can’t imagine loving her more than I already do, but every day I wake up next to her I seem to fall in love with her all over again, even ten years later. I hope Asa and Sian find someone like that when they grow up, to have that kind of love and bond with someone is indescribable."_

He stops to regather his thoughts, _“Sian’s becoming quite the little pilot, it seemed as if she already knew what she was doing within five minutes of her first lesson. I don’t even know if Tom was half as good at that age, but he was certainly one of the best pilots I’d ever worked with. I would never tell her this, but I find it almost scary. She just seems to instinctively know how to maneuver the shuttle any way she wants, like a sixth sense. If she’s this good now I can’t imagine what she’ll be like when she’s even six years older._

_“Asa has his talents too, but he’s much more interested in taking things apart just to see how they work and then putting them back together. If B’Elanna were here I’d have her work with him. I think Kathryn’s a little disappointed that neither of them seems to be extremely interested in science, but they do seem to enjoy astronomy and the study of nebulas and constellations, so she’s not too disheartened by it. But Asa does have a talent for art, especially painting, he’s made some incredible recreations of places where we like to visit. I hope Kathryn will be able to find space to include a couple of our favorite pieces for our trip._

_“We had planned to try and leave earlier, but while we were up in the shuttle about a month ago, we detected some Kazon ships passing near our orbit. I don’t believe they’ve detected us, but it has been ten years, I don’t know what kind of upgrades they may have made, especially if Seska’s still helping them. I’ll never know for certain, but I can only hope Voyager is long gone and never had to deal with her or the Nistrim again."_

_“Dad!”_ Asa called, _“Mom says lunch is ready!”_

 _“Be right there!”_ He called back, then turned to the recorder, _“End personal log,”_ and the recording stops. 

Chakotay sat back in the chair for a moment, feeling a mixture of both dolor and conciliation. He was pleased to learn more about the children themselves, and that this Chakotay’s relationship with Kathryn seemed to be just as strong as his. However, he felt saddened by the knowledge that what he’d picked up on sensors a month before the recording marked the end of all their hopes and dreams. None of them deserved what happened to them, it was senseless and tragic, and the mental scars the Kazon inflicted upon the children only served to fuel his hatred of them. But at least there was some small conciliation, they were now dead. And even though it shouldn’t, brought a smile of satisfaction to his lips. 

***

“Would you please tell the Admiral to lay down Captain? She still needs rest,” The Doctor said, accosting him the moment he entered sickbay. 

He couldn’t help but laugh, it was just like old times. He telling Kathryn she needed to rest, and she deciding how much she was going to tolerate. Holding up his hands he replied, “You know how she is Doctor. Besides, I don’t think I have the authority to tell her to do anything, she’s the boss.”

“Of the mission, but not of the ship. That is your responsibility Captain. I’d rather not have to order her to rest.”

Trying to be diplomatic he placed a hand on the EMH’s shoulder, “Will it harm her or the baby if she does get up and move around?”

He knew he said two days, but he was being overly generous. She would be in fact ready to leave the following morning provided she didn’t over-exert herself. He had to admit that she’d paid close attention to his instructions, even longer than he assumed she would. However, he was concerned about her, she was one of his closest friends, just as his Captain was, “No,” he admitted, “but that is hardly the point.”

Chakotay smiled and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, “I understand where you’re coming from Doctor, believe me. Now, I could try to persuade her to stay until we reach Earth in about three hours, and during that time she would make your life a living hell, or I could take her back to her quarters and let her rest there, but it’s your call.”

The Doctor considered his words, knowing that he wasn’t exaggerating the Admiral’s capabilities in making him pay for his insistence, “Alright Captain, but I’ll have to inject her with a bio probe before releasing her.”

“I think she could live with that.”

“I must also ask that you be injected with one as well,” he stated, and Chakotay gave him a strange look, “I’ve already administered the first treatment to the Admiral yesterday and monitored her for any adverse reactions, so far the results have been more than promising. I have your first dose as well, but you left so quickly with the children yesterday that I didn’t get a chance to inject you with the serum.”

He nodded and allowed the Doctor to do both before heading over to Kathryn who seemed a little annoyed. He smiled, she returned it with a strained one. “I know, I know,” he said rubbing her upper arms gently, “You’re ready to get out of here, and he’s agreed on the condition that you wear a bio probe so he can monitor you.”

“Whatever it takes,” she replied quickly.

The Doctor frowned as he approached and injected her with the probe, “Now Admiral, Captain, I will be able to continue to monitor you even after we’ve reached Earth as long as you continue to say in San Francisco. I’ve adjusted these probes to extend beyond their normal range to monitor your condition, but to also make certain the serum continues to have no adverse effects.”

She nodded and allowed herself to let go of some of her annoyance, “I’m sorry Doctor, it’s not you. I’ve always hated feeling cooped up,” she looked to Chakotay, “And I’d also like to see the children, I miss them.”

He’d have to share the information B’Elanna gave him, but he could do that later, it wasn’t going anywhere, “Alright, I’ll take you to see them after the Doctor has checked you over one final time, for the sake of both you and the baby.”

She gave him a warning look, but couldn’t argue with it, and nodded her agreement.

***

Security officers, Lieutenants Adam Kennedy and Josh Mitchell were making their rounds, there wasn’t much to do when everything was quiet. Both had been Ensigns the last time they served on Voyager, except then they were stuck in the delta quadrant for seven years. They hadn’t been given a choice for the assignment; they had just been told they were requested by Commander Tuvok.

Both had been under the impression that the Vulcan chief of security didn’t care for them much. It always felt like he’d go out of his way to give them a hard time. You could make the argument that Vulcans didn’t hold grudges, but they knew better. Now they were on patrol and thankfully hadn’t seen too much of him.

On their way past the holodecks, they noticed Commander Paris and Lieutenant Kim stepping out of the doors wearing their Captain Proton outfits, engaged in friendly disagreement. Walking behind them, they couldn’t help but overhear the conversation.

“I’m not saying you’re wrong Harry, I’m telling you.”

“Then you need to have your eyes checked, because General Albatross looks like a giant semi-plucked chicken, and not a healthy-looking one at that,” he commented.

Paris gave a hurt laugh, “He’s supposed to look like that. He’s been in a war with the Sisters of Eternity for twenty years. Time wears a guy down,” he defended.

“Ohh, he looks worn alright,” he replied flatly as he pressed the button for the turbolift.

“Look, he’s perfect the way he is…” His words trailed off once he’d noticed the two men trying to keep a respectful distance behind them, “Can I help you?”

“No Commander, we were just waiting for the turbolift,” Mitchell replied.

Harry gave Tom a frown then addressed them with familiarity, “How are you Adam, Josh. It’s been a while.”

“It’s been…?” Tom questioned, trying not to make it sound like a question.

“A year,” Mitchell replied.

“A year,” He blurted out as Mitchell said it as if he already knew that “Geez how time flies huh?”

“Must have been memorable,” Harry replied with a smile, enjoying Tom squirm a little.

“Yeah, sorry. Been busy since then with the promotion…my wife and daughter…baby on the way…” He was floundering, and they could all see it. The doors to the lift opened, saving him, “Well, see you guys around.” He said raising his hand in a wave and stepped inside looking relieved. 

Mitchell and Kennedy just looked at each other and laughed. 

When they finally made their way down to engineering, they walked inside to make sure everything was as five by five. B’Elanna looked up for her console to see who was coming through the doors, recognizing them she said when they were closer. “What are you two doing down here dwelling with the rest of us Snipes?” She said with a smile, using an old Navy term that described engineers back in the twentieth century.

“You’ve been married to Commander Paris too long,” Kennedy answered with a grin.

“Well, I keep him around because he is useful on occasion. But I’m surprised you’d show your face down here Mitchell.” He gave her a puzzled expression, “I seem to recall that you still owe me ten replicator rations from the betting pool two years ago. I assume the only reason you came down here was to find a way to make it up to me since we don’t need those anymore.”

“Ahh,” he replied, catching him off-guard.

Kennedy leaned over and whispered into his ear, “Smooth recovery.”

“I’m sorry Commander, I will, of course, make that up to you,” he said seriously.

She let out a chuckle, “Relax Lieutenant, it’s not like I’m going to pick you up and pummel you against the wall or anything…yet.” She added, a twinkle in her eye.

Kennedy immediately started laughing, Mitchell, on the other hand, looked horrified.

“Tell you what,” she said leaning forward on the console, “If you can take this report on the holo-emitters up to sickbay and deliver it to the Doctor for me then I’ll call it even.”

“Agreed,” Mitchell said taking the pads.

“It was nice to see you both,” she smiled sweetly.

They knew better than anyone what she was capable of. Even five months pregnant she could still probably kick the stuffing out of both with one hand tied behind her back. “You too B’Elanna,” Kennedy replied, still grinning as they left.

When they’d entered sickbay, the Doctor was scanning the Admiral as their Captain looked on. They stood back, allowing them some privacy but could still hear their conversation.

“Doctor, is all this really necessary?” Janeway asked, “You’ve been scanning me for nearly ten minutes.”

“He’s almost done,” Chakotay tried to assure her, but he could tell she was still annoyed.

While she was distracted, her attention focused on Chakotay, felt a sharp pain in her arm, and nearly jumped off the bed. “What was that?” She demanded rubbing her arm.

“The bio probe,” the Doctor answered, a smile on his lips as he busied himself with the medial tricorder again.

“You certainly could have warned me first.” She replied tersely.

“If I had warned you, Admiral, the anticipation of the action would have been worse, but you’re free to go. Just remember to take it easy and I would prefer you not attempt to lift anything more than ten pounds for the next couple of days, or you could very well end up seeing me again at Starfleet Medical.”

She put on her jacket and began to refasten it. When she looked up, she saw the security officers waiting and then looked to the Doctor. “Really?” She questioned with a gesture, indicating their presence. 

The Doctor seemed confused. “Don’t look at me. I didn’t call them.”

Mitchell stepped forward and held out the padd to the Doctor. “Admiral, Captain, Doctor,” he said in turn, “We didn’t mean to intrude, Commander Torres sent us up here with the information you requested Doctor.”

“Ahh.” He said delighted and took the padd he offered, immediately accessing the information.

“Lieutenants Mitchell and Kennedy, how have you been?” Janeway asked.

“Fine ma’am, and congratulations to both you and the Captain by the way, on the news of your pregnancy. I hope you have a healthy baby.”

Her expression betrayed her, looking surprised. Chakotay put a finger to his lips and looked at the two men as if the information were supposed to be a secret.

“Thank you,” Chakotay said, “But I wouldn’t go spreading that around.”

“Yes Captain,” he answered, looking extremely uncomfortable.

“How many people know about it?” Janeway whispered to Chakotay.

“You really don’t want to know,” he answered and escorted her out of the room.

“Well, are there any complaints gentlemen that I can help you with while you’re here?” The Doctor asked with an amused grin.

“Nothing for me thanks,” Kennedy replied placing his hand on Mitchell’s shoulder, “But I think Mitchell here might need a new identity.”


	18. Chapter 18

Kathryn was happy to see the children when she arrived at Chakotay’s quarters. He insisted she at least sit back on the bed and rest until they got back to Earth, and the children could come up onto the bed and visit. She agreed, and held the children, hugging them to her closely. Chakotay suggested a game he liked to call worlds of imagination. The rules where that you came up with a planet, then on that planet each person would get a turn to add something very exotic and unique to the surface and then build their way up. For instance, someone could say they’re adding purple trees that bare yellow round fruit that gives enhanced vision, and so on. 

They played this game for a while, the children coming up with all sorts of ideas for their fictional planet. Their own parents never played a game like this before, but they didn’t have the ability to leave their planet until recently. It only took about an hour before they grew tired of it. It was at that point, he thought it would be nice for all of them to see some memories of their home before all the horrific events and logged into his personal database. “I have something here I think all of you would like to see, it might make you feel better.” He said, then began to access the videos, they were out of sequence, but that wasn’t important. 

Bringing up the first video, it was of a very pregnant Kathryn Janeway who was working in her tomato garden. She looked up at the holo-recorder in annoyance when she notices what he was doing. _“Chakotay, would you please stop recording me, I’m dirty, tired, hot, and thirsty. Maybe you could get me something to drink while I take care of this…”_ She stops, a hand going to her abdomen. 

_“Are you alright Kathryn?”_

She didn’t look too certain but defiantly felt something. The children moved up to the edge of the bed so they could see the screen better, transfixed on the image. Letting out a moan she pressed her hand against her abdomen. _“I think I’m going into labor.”_

The next video is after she’d given birth, looking very tired and weak, a baby in her arms. _“What do you think Mama?”_

She looked down and kissed the baby’s forehead. _“He’s perfect.”_

 _“What should we name him?”_ He asked, leaving the decision up to her. Staring down into the young child's face she smiled and said, _“Asa.”_

He nodded in agreement, _“Hi there Asa, I’m your daddy and she’s your mommy.”_

Kathryn smiled up at him again, extremely happy. _“I think he’s going to need feeding very soon.”_

_“Breastfeeding?”_

She nodded, _“It’s the most natural way in order for the baby to get all the vitamins they need, and help strengthens their immune system.”_ She shifted the sleeping newborn in her arms and asked Chakotay to help her as he turned off the recorder. 

On the table was a cake with three candles, Sian stares at it with interest as her parents and brother sing happy birthday. _“Now make a wish and blow out the candles.”_ Her mother says.

She appears to be thinking awfully hard then lets out a large spattering puff of air, but the flames don’t move. Confused, she tries again just to receive the same result. Chakotay’s soft chuckle can be heard. On her third attempt, she closes her eyes and tries to blow with all her might as her brother blows at the same time, extinguishing the candles for her. When she opens her eyes again, she’s pleased with the result and claps her hands. 

Her mother brings her a box that looks too bulky for a child her size to handle easily, so her mother holds it as she tells Sian to open it. When she does, she peers inside and gives a joyful cry. _“Dolly! Dolly!”_ and pulls out the ragdoll she’s been holding from the moment she arrived on Voyager and hugs it to her chest.

 _“What will you name her?”_ Kathryn asks.

She seems to think about it for a minute, _“Princess…umm…Phoebe!”_ Then she seems satisfied with her choice.

Her mother releases a soft laugh and bends down and gives her a kiss on the top of the head, her hand smoothing her auburn hair as she straightens. _“Perfect, your aunt would certainly approve.”_

“No! No!” Sian cries and begins hitting the screen with her hands, tears in her eyes. Everyone seems confused by the sudden and unexpected reaction. Chakotay terminates the video and bends down in front of her as she leans her forehead against the screen, her hands pressed against the surface.

He places a hand on her back, making her tense immediately, “What is it, sweetheart? What’s wrong?”

She turns to him and throws herself into his arms weeping uncontrollably. Holding her close, he rubs her back and makes soothing sounds. He looks up at Kathryn who has a similar look of concern and confusion etched on her face at both her children. Asa has curled up next to her as well and is crying softly against her chest as she holds him close, trying to soothe him. 

“Tell me what’s wrong? I’d thought the recording would make you both happy, remind you of the good times you had.” He said still confused. 

She cried for several minutes, unable to speak. Thinking about her life on New Earth and everything she’d lost there was too painful, reminding her of what that life cost her and Asa. “I don’t want to remember,” She cried, “I don’t ever want to remember again.” 

“Alright,” he said gently, “You don’t ever have to watch them again if they make you feel sad. Okay?”

Memory is a funny thing, sometimes we choose to remember the things we want, people, or places. Holding on to them as if that were the core of who we are and the sum of all the parts we’ll ever be. But then sometimes, just sometimes, we become so lost in the darkness of those memories that we’re afraid we’ll become the very thing we’re trying to forget and keep locked inside.

There was a key to the door in her mind, the lock it mastered becoming worn and brittle, the beast calling to her. Relentless, untiring, patient. It’s needs for revenge unquenchable, insatiable. She was afraid that if it ever got out, she would lose who she was and become just like her mother in those final moments when she surrendered to madness. Like her father who had allowed the beast to dissolve his self-control and take revenge upon his enemies, choking the life out of Seska. The way his face became twisted upon a sea of rage, the pleasure he took in seeing the light in her eyes slowly extinguish. 

Doctor Gand was not the first life she took. It happened much earlier when her brother decided it was time for them to leave, the smell of death and decay overpowering. At the time, it was the only thing that seemed real. It had been quiet for some time before he’d made this decision. As they left the crawl space one at a time, she looked down at the man who used to be her father, suspended across a pool of partially dried and smeared blood. The Kazon had dragged Seska away by then. She didn’t have the tears to weep for herself let alone him or her mother. 

She remembered the knife the man had left with her mother after he’d slit her throat. She crawled up onto the bed, the once white sheets crimson. Her mother’s skin was unearthly pale and cold as she reached out to pick up the knife that had settled between her arm and side. She remembered the crazed smile, and how her lips continued to stay frozen in that position. The eyes which had once been a deep blue were dull and milky. The red grin on her neck stood prominent against her ghostly skin. Her brother had pulled up the covers to her waist, covering the obscenity below, trying to bring her some dignity and modesty even though their mother had already let go of such feelings.

Her tiny hand gripped the handle, dry blood dulls upon the blade as she stared at it. The object invoked so sense of emotion, no hint to a depth of feeling. Everything had been locked behind the door with the beast, wanting, waiting for its chance to escape. Her brother reached for the knife, but she pulled it away. It was hers to do with what she willed. Dropping his hand, he didn’t say a word. 

Slowly, they made their way to the front door. Asa was listening for anything unusual as she followed in silence. It stood open, and they could hear the birds chirping, the insects buzzing. He peered around each corner, checking for any sign that they might not be alone. He saw no one, but it didn’t mean they were safe yet. Carefully, he made his way around the house and toward the back where the shuttle was. 

Around the corner near the back of their home, he could see it. The door was down, and Bnalla was sitting on it, as if she were waiting for them, then turned and went inside. _“At least she’s safe,”_ he thought. One of the Kazon exited the shuttle and made his way toward the house. Asa began to back up, looking around for a place for them to hide, finding nothing. He grabbed Sian’s hand, trying to pull her back with him. She acquiesced for a moment, going back as far as around the corner to the front of the house but no further. 

Asa continued to tug on her hand, trying to get her to move but she was defiant. Letting go, he turned around and headed back to the front door, looking for anything he could use as a weapon. He spotted a long thick stick their father had carved into a totem. As his fingers curled around it, he heard a loud thump against the side of the house. 

Rushing out the door, Sian was standing over the Kazon. Either he had tripped, or she tripped him, he didn’t know which. As soon as he was eye level with her, he started to open his mouth to alert his companions. That was the moment she brought her hand up, stabbing him through the soft tissues of his jaw, and buried it through his throat. Blood sprayed down the front of her purple dress as he gurgled, clutching at the knife, a wet whistling sound emanating from the hole in his throat as he tried to get air.

He fell to his side, still trying to grab the knife and pull out the offending object, unable to summon the strength as his hands slid over the handle, covered in blood. Dropping her doll, she grabbed the knife handle and placed her foot on his chest, using the bottom of her dress to help her get a better grip. She pulled, freeing it. Calmly she wiped the blood off the handle before allowing her hand to relax at her side. Cocking her head slightly, she stared at him with great interest, watching until the life left his eyes, just as her father’s had done. She had killed the man who had slit her father’s throat, the man who had raped her mother and slit hers, but the action didn’t bring them back, the numbness still there, but the beast was getting louder.

Unhurried, she turned and picked up the doll and felt Asa grab the knife out of her hand. She looked up at him disinterested, but the look she noticed in his eyes was one of horror and fear. He was afraid of her, not because of what she had done, but the look of vacuity which stared back at him. He didn’t quite know why he was so afraid. He didn’t possess the knowledge to explain it. It was just a deep unknowable instinct telling him he should fear it. 

Part of her felt that way now as she hugged her father, the emptiness. She felt broken, defective, and unlovable. How could they love and accept her after all she’d seen and done? She didn’t think herself worthy of this second chance. That the best part of her died that day a piece at a time. The beast clawing behind the door in her mind, reminding her of his presence. Whispering that one day soon they would meet and that for her there could be no redemption. That she too would greet the same madness her parents welcomed in the end. 

**Three Months Later…**

When Voyager arrived at Earth, everyone went their separate ways again, moving on with their lives the best way they knew how always striving to become the best versions of themselves. It’s the only way they really knew how to be, but still never too far away if any of their extended family needed a hand.

Janeway stood staring at the slender tube containing the remains of Lieutenant Jason Runningwolf once he was finally released to his mother and father. She felt she had to be there for this, to see him being welcomed home by the people who loved him. She may not have been able to return his feelings, nor understand his reasons for them. Sometimes, we don’t always get to know why. 

His mother broke down crying the moment she saw his face behind the transparent aluminum, his father holding and comforting her. In some small part, she understood that loss. Having lost a child of her own. She did her best to fight the tears in her eyes, only able to imagine the pain his mother and father were certainly feeling. She didn’t have the chance to welcome her child into the world, to see its face and watch he or she transform into an independent thinking, feeling person. Unique in all the aspects that separate yet bring us together. 

She had been given another chance to bring life into the world, and the chance to safeguard and protect her new children with her husband. Her hands went to the slightly obvious curve of her stomach, hoping that this time would be different. The serum had worked, reversing the changes to their physiologies the Vidiian cure had altered, giving them both a fresh start.

Janeway approached the couple as they grieved for their son. The crewman who had delivered him, stood at attention when she approached, announcing her arrival. She waved them at ease as she stared into his parent’s eyes. “Mr. and Mrs. Runningwolf, words cannot convey how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I had the pleasure of knowing your son a little, and he was a fine upstanding young man and an outstanding officer, I could tell by his values he was raised by two wonderful loving parents, his loss will be felt by everyone who knew him. He also saved my life at great cost to himself, and I will forever honor that sacrifice. Please know that if you ever need anything, contact my office at any time and I will see that you get it.”

“Thank you, Admiral Janeway,” she said wiping her eyes, gripping her husband’s hand. As Janeway placed her hand over theirs, she gave it a slight squeeze along with a smile before letting go and turned to leave. Without warning, the woman enveloped her in a hug, surprising her briefly. After a moment she hugged her back, trying to give her the comfort she needed, feeling her heart breaking for the woman. When she let her go, Janeway offered her another smile which the woman returned. This time, when she turned to leave and grant them some privacy, no one stopped her. 

_“Victoria to Admiral Janeway.”_

She tapped her com badge and opened the connection. “This is Janeway, go ahead.”

_“I’ve just received a call from your mother, she needs you to come home. She says there is a problem with your daughter. Doctor Morgan and your husband have also been notified.”_

She didn’t like the sound of that, “On my way.”

***

They had moved into a four-bedroom condo in San Francisco. The children didn’t want to move out to the country as she and Chakotay suggested, claiming it reminded them too much of New Earth. Her mother and sister had come to meet their new extended family two months ago, her mother Gretchen loved her new grandchildren, and had moved in temporarily to be there in the afternoon when the children got home from school, giving them a sense of comfort that there was always someone waiting for them. She would also regale the children with stories of their mother when she was a girl, sometimes invoking embarrassment from Kathryn based on the stories she chose to tell. Her sister was an artist whose exhibitions had her traveling all over the quadrant and would appear when time allowed.

Both children were in counseling. Asa’s progress was coming along much faster than his sisters. She always seemed to hold everyone at a bit of a distance, as if she were afraid to allow herself to get to close. Her therapist Doctor Mira Morgan was recommended to her by Deanna Troi when she spoke to her at Starfleet Medical. She had been unable to treat the young girl herself due to her husband’s position as Captain aboard the Titan. But recommended her because she was a phycologist who dealt with severe cases of trauma. Their situation certainly qualified. 

Sian had been meeting with Doctor Morgan on a regular basis, and from what Janeway learned of her when she checked into her background, was that she was considered unorthodox but tended to get more positive results. After meeting with her a few times, herself, along with her husband, she began to understand why. Admiral Hastings highly ‘encouraged’ her to see a phycologist, feeling that she and Chakotay could benefit from another perspective. As much as she resented the implication, she did so anyway. Besides, if they didn’t go, then it would be hypocritical to ask them to do it. Both she and Chakotay agreed, soon realizing that the therapy just was helpful for them as well, helping them to process their own feelings about what happened, but also how to help their children come to terms with their unique emotional needs. 

Her mother stayed with Asa and Sian while she or Chakotay were working. He resumed his position at the academy, feeling it was the best option right now for the children that he be close to home. Kathryn had resumed her position and was now working strictly behind a desk for the moment, Admiral Hastings insisting that too much stress should not be placed on her while she was pregnant, feeling she was handling enough at home already. Her assistant Victoria had been making sure she was adhering to the reduced schedule Admiral Hastings put in place, working no more than six hours a day. She was sure the Doctor also had something to do with that. 

She knew he was concerned, so she allowed herself to be talked into it for the time being. Both she and Chakotay were saving their leave, only using it here and there when necessary, but wanting to save the bulk of it for when the baby was born. They had over a year’s worth coming to each of them. When had they gotten a chance to use it during their seven years in the delta quadrant?

Sian could be warm and loving with her and Chakotay, but there would always be a sadness and a distance in her eyes as if she were preparing herself to lose them both again. Doctor Morgan had informed them that this was normal considering the circumstances and advised both resolve and vigilance where she was concerned. Especially now when her behavior began to start taking a darker turn. 

Over the last couple of weeks, she had been more withdrawn than normal. Asa and Sian had been placed in a special class when they returned to Earth, which included two teachers who could help them cope and teach them the social skills they would need to deal with their peers as well as bring them up to speed in their level of education for their respective ages. Doing all this in a class with other children who also needed help coping with their own emotional traumas must be difficult for both the teachers and their students. 

When Janeway made it home, she opened the door to chaos. Her eyes flashed around the room, trying to take in the scene. Gretchen was holding Asa on the sofa; he was crying into her shoulder. Doctor Morgan and her husband were standing in front of the doorway to their balcony, their bodies tense. Mira exuding a quiet clam as she stared through the doorway. Chakotay, on the other hand, appeared to be trying to fight back the urge to rush forward, tears in his eyes. She could hear his strained voice pleading, “Come back inside sweetheart, we can figure this out. There are other options, we will find something that can help you.”

Kathryn was immediately struck with an overwhelming sense of terror by the desperation in his voice. She forced herself not to rush over if what was happening on the other side of that door was as bad as what she thought, she didn’t want to add any additional stress to the tense filled situation. 

Tears began to run down her cheeks, unaware they had begun their journey, as she propelled herself carefully forward toward her husband. Turning her head to look through the open double doors when she was close enough, she could see Sian standing on the small ledge of the balcony looking down, the ragdoll dangling carelessly in her right hand. Kathryn’s first instinct had been the same as Chakotay’s, wanting to rush in and pull her down. However, doing so could surprise her, the unexpected contact causing her to pull away and fall forward, plunging the seven stories to her death. 

“I know you’re afraid Sian,” Doctor Morgan began with a practiced calm and understanding in her voice, “that you’re losing control over the beast. But you must remember what we talked about; the beast only feeds on the power you allow it to take. Right now, you’re feeding its power to influence your thoughts. It’s trying to convince you that this is the only way to stop the pain because it’s afraid of you Sian. It fears your strength, your resolve, your resilience. You’ve managed to keep it locked behind the door in your mind all this time. It’s frightened that it will never get out, that it will be trapped behind that door forever. It knows you have the power to keep it there and it’s becoming as desperate as any caged animal. Trying to use its own feelings of hopelessness to convince you that this is the only way. You’re stronger than this Sian, much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Come back inside, and we can discuss the other options it doesn’t want you to know about.”

Slowly, Sian pivoted herself to face them. “You don’t understand. I am the beast from all of daddy's stories. I know that now. And like all beasts, they have to be put down for the safety of those you love.”

“You are not a beast,” Kathryn said taking a step toward her, “You are my daughter, you are one of the bravest, strongest, and compassionate people I’ve ever known. You saved my life; no beast would do that. You endured hell and came out on the other side because of your strength. No beast would give you that. You gave of yourself to cure your father and me. What beast would make that sacrifice? You are more than what you think you are. You have proven that and will continue to prove that long into the future. You are not the beast because a beast wouldn’t care about trying to protect anyone from it. It would just consume and destroy anything that got in its way. That’s not you baby, your kind, sweet, thoughtful, always trying to look out for the people you love.” She had been very slowly and carefully making her way toward her while she spoke, her hand extended. She could almost touch her if she wanted. “You don’t have to think that you need to keep trying to fight this battle alone. Just give me your hand, defy its wishes, and come with me.”

Sian stared at her, her body swaying slightly, but made no move to take her hand. She was thinking about what she’d said. Reminding her of all the sacrifices she’d made to protect her family, rescue them. Was it enough for her to keep fighting this battle? She had grown weary, the beast always clawing away at her resolve, creating doubt in her ability to win the overall war. Her mother spoke of sacrifice, and there was only one left that had to be made. She began to raise her hand, their fingertips barely touching. “I’m sorry mommy,” she said, then allowed herself to fall back. She may not be the beast as her mother said, but she would soon, it was a war she was convinced she would lose. 

There was a scream, followed closely by another. A hand wrapped around her ankle, followed by another, abruptly stopping her descent. Another pair of strong hands wrapped around her other ankle and she could feel herself being lifted back to safety. Denying her the sacrifice she was willing to make, bringing the peace she felt she owed all of them. 

Her father grabbed her around the waist, lifting her up the rest of the way easily and enveloped her in his arms tightly. He began to cry, uncontrollably. Her mother was sitting on the floor, her legs folded beside her and she clung to Doctor Morgan, her whole body shaking as she wept against the woman’s shoulder. Her right hand gripping the cloth of her blouse. She looked into the doorway to see her bother standing there stunned, eyes wide, tears drying on his cheeks. He had the same look in his eyes she saw the day she killed that Kazon, fear. Her grandmother moved to take Asa into her arms, turning him away and leading him back inside to shield him from the chaotic scene unfolding before them. 

The numbness returned, making its way into every tiny crevasse of her being. She had tried to protect them from the beast she was on the verge of becoming. They had stopped her from making the only sacrifice she knew would save them. Not knowing she would soon be seeing the beast face to face in its own territory. 

***

Five days later she was on Vulcan. Doctor Morgan had accompanied her and explained the reason why she was here. She had already overheard the conversation she’d had with her parents but didn’t say anything. The temperature was hotter than she was used to, surrounded by sand with a hot blazing sun overhead. She was led into a large sandstone building; symbols etched around the archway. She assumed they meant something but had no idea what.

Once they had made their way inside the entrance, a Vulcan female approached. “This is where I leave you, Sian, you are in the hands of the monks for now. They will contact your family when they feel you are ready to return.”

“How long will that take?” She asked, thinking that she was probably going to spend the rest of her life here.

She smiled gently and stroked her head, “That will depend on you,” she replied kindly before looking up at the women and gave a nod. Without another word she turned and left.

The woman had no expression as she announced, “You are about to enter the temple of T’Kal. Before you can be presented to a Vulcan Master, you must be properly attired. Follow me.” Then turned to a doorway to the left, Sian cautiously followed. As they walked, she thought back to the conversation she’d overheard with Doctor Morgan and her parents.

“I never would have thought she’d consider something like…” Kathryn couldn’t finish the sentence, the emotions far too raw to fully acknowledge. 

“We knew she was closing herself off, and we didn’t push her to talk about it as you recommended. Maybe we should have.” Chakotay said.

“If you had done that, this could have been much worse,” Doctor Morgan replied.

“Worse?” Kathryn questioned incredulously, “She tried to kill herself, Doctor.”

Doctor Morgan’s voice was even and calm, “I know it doesn’t feel or even seem this way right now. But if either of you had tried to force her to open up, she would have just jumped without hesitation. She wouldn’t have been willing to listen to either of you, to me. She wouldn’t have felt the need to try and explain why she was doing it or attempt to try and convince either of you that she had not come to this decision lightly, in her mind, it was necessary.”

Whether either of her parents acknowledged her, even silently, she didn’t know. 

“I had hoped the treatment plan I developed for her would alleviate more of the guilt she’s feeling. To finally allow her to start accessing her anger and working through those feelings so she could begin the process of grieving their loss, letting go of the pain. Instead, she’s been suppressing those feelings. Compartmentalizing it into something she has convinced herself is real, the beast.”

“What are we supposed to do now? We love her Doctor, both, and we refuse to give up on either of them. How can we help her if she thinks the only reasonable outcome is her death?” Chakotay asked, the desperation clear and unmistakable in his voice, “How do you begin to negotiate a better alternative starting from that position?”

“There is a place we can send her to get more intensive care.” The Doctor replied.

“I’m not sending my six-year-old daughter to a psychiatric hospital,” Kathryn stated firmly.

“That’s not what I’m suggesting,” she assured, “There is a temple on Vulcan, who recently opened its doors after the Dominion War, and offered their assistance to help children with traumatic conditions such as Sian’s, where standard traditional therapy doesn’t appear to be working. She would work with a Vulcan Master to help her navigate and process her feelings in a healthy way.”

“How long would we have to be there?” Chakotay asked.

“She,” Doctor Morgan emphasized, “Would have to go alone,” then spread her hands, “As for how long it will take, no one knows for certain. The important thing is that they are her only option other than a psychiatric hospital. I am medically bound to report this incident to Starfleet Medical’s Psychiatry Division. I know the board of directors, and I can persuade them to give this a try before making the decision to send her to a hospital without either of your consent.”

After that, the room had gone silent for quite some time before she could hear any of their voices again. When the talking resumed, it was too quiet to make out clearly. She laid on the bed, her head resting on the pillow with her back to the door, her eyes staring at the wall. She watched the shadows drift across it forming different shapes as the sun went down, it was the only thing that marked the passage of time. 

When the door opened, she didn’t move and pretended to be asleep. She could sense someone moving closer. It wasn’t until she felt the weight pressing against the mattress that she knew for sure. The person shifted, positioning themselves to lay down behind her and snuggled up. She could feel a hand caress her arm, and she recognized it immediately, her mother. 

“Sian,” she called softly, then waited for a response. She didn’t reply and didn’t want to. The numbness was dominating, oppressing. It was awhile before she spoke again, perhaps not trusting her own voice, but she could hear the emotion when she tried, “I love you, sweetheart,” Her hand ceasing its movements before laying it across her, holding her firmly. They lay there, the two of them for a long time. Whether her mother knew at any point she was still awake and ignoring her she didn’t know. 

Eventually, she felt her grip loosen, then the soft steady stream of her breath against the back of her head. Continuing to hold her as she realized she’d fallen asleep. The light left the room, replaced by the soft lights of the city through the full-length window. Someone else entered the room and turned on the night light, “Kathryn,” her father called at a whisper close to her head. When he understood his wife was asleep, he turned and left quietly. Eventually, at some point, she wasn’t sure when her eyes began to close, and she too had drifted off.

“Put this on.” The Vulcan woman said after they’d entered the room. In her hand was a robe like the one she was wearing, in the other a pair of simple sandals. Extending her arms, she held the items out to her, and slowly Sian reached out and took them, “Once you are dressed, you may place your current clothing in the basket next to the door. Someone will arrive soon to care for you,” then she left the way they had come. 

Changing into the robes and sandals, she did as instructed before moving back to the center of the dimly lit room. The only source of illumination was a soft light above her head. She stared up at it for a moment before she heard a male voice emanate from one of the darkened corners in front of her, “My name is Master Fellik. I will be your guide on this journey,” then stepped out into the light.

She could tell he was old. His hair was white, his yellowish skin wrinkled, but by movement alone, he seemed much younger than what his appearance suggested, “Are you, my master?” She asked.

He regarded her with an unchanging expression, “You have no master. Are you searching for one?” he asked.

“No,” she answered, but seemed confused, “I was brought here to work with one though.”

“I see, and do you believe our association will benefit you?”

“No…I don’t know,” she answered, wondering why he was asking her, “I thought you were supposed to have the answers?”

“Why would you believe that?” He responded, still regarding her with the same unchanging expression.

She found his lack of emotion a little creepy, and the way he kept answering her questions with another question confusing, “Because I was told you would.”

“Do you usually believe everything you’re told?”

“Not all the time. Why would my parents or Doctor Morgan lie to me?”

“Why indeed,” he stated raising an inquisitive eyebrow.

“Are you telling me they lied?”

Clasping his hands behind his back he answered, “I may have seen my fair share of seasons, but I do not recall stating that. Do you?”

She was instantly confused, “I don’t understand. Are you telling me I was lied to or not?”

“I haven’t told you anything. I didn’t say anything then, and I didn’t say anything now.”

All she wanted was a straight answer, getting frustrated. “I don’t think I’m going to get an answer from you.”

“You may leave any time you wish.” He advised.

She held her arms tensely at her sides, her hands balled into fists, “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Of course, you do. You have the world outside that door. The city beyond that. The shuttles parked on their landing pads.”

“But I don’t know anyone. How would I find someone I can trust to take me home?” She answered after a moment, thinking about what he’d said, her frustration replaced by doubt and uncertainty.

“That is a good question. How do you separate those you can trust from those you cannot? You have been living in fear since that day. Afraid of what will come next. Afraid of who you wish to be. You have forgotten how to see the path and allow it to lead wherever it takes you. You are afraid to make choices. You are paralyzed by fear and doubt. Afraid to accept love when it is given freely. You have created a beast to do all your reasoning for you. Perhaps you should just give up? Allow it to take what is left and destroy you. Why attempt to keep it locked behind the door at all? Why keep resisting when all is lost, and madness is certain? Just as the madness consumed your mother and father in the end.”

Her eyes grew wide. How could he know she was afraid of the madness? Of what it would do to her if the beast were to be set lose to ravish her mind freely. Taking away her ability to protect the people she loved. “How?... How did you know about my mother and father?” She hadn’t told anyone, fearing how that information would be used to wound her in such a way she would no longer be able to keep the beast at bay.

He did not answer her question. “If you are to defeat the beast in your mind you must learn to utilize the tools at your disposal as if you were a carpenter. Take the hammer, strike the nail, and free yourself.”

“How do I do that?” She asked, for the first time since that horrific day. She wanted to know the answer. 

“Perhaps you should ponder the question, meditate on it.”

“I don’t know how?” She admitted.

Considering her carefully he replied, “I will teach you.”


	19. Chapter 19

**One month later…**

Kathryn’s pregnancy was progressing normally, the slight curve she had been sporting almost seemed to grow larger overnight. Asa’s therapy was progressing faster without his sister’s presence, even though they all missed her. Kathryn and Chakotay were receiving regular updates from Doctor Morgan regarding Sian’s progress with the Vulcan Master. She seemed to be making firm strides toward recovery, then she would slip back a few steps before regaining some ground. They had all wanted to see her, talk to her, show her they still loved and thought about her every day, looking forward to the day she could return home. 

Leaning on a pillow at the end of the sofa, Kathryn sat completely engrossed in a book she was reading. Chakotay exited from their bedroom and shook his head and approached her from behind. As far as they both knew, Asa had gone to bed an hour ago. Gretchen had returned to her home in Indiana early this morning, leaving them all alone together for the first time in four months.

His hands gently grasped her shoulders, making her jump slightly before he began to massage them, “Come to bed, it’s late.”

“What time is it?

“Twenty-three hundred.”

She laughed softly closing her eyes, enjoying the feel of his hands on her shoulders, his fingers moving up to massage her neck, “It doesn’t seem that long ago when zero one-hundred felt like a standard bedtime.”

The memory made him laugh gently as he continued his ministrations, “Come to bed,” he asked again, “I’ll rub your back, I know it’s been killing you.”

Reaching up, she patted his hands, “Alright, you’ve convinced me,” he stopped, allowing her to lean forward and place her book on the coffee table. When she tried to push herself up, she failed miserably, her center of gravity had shifted too far back on the sofa after she’d leaned forward.

“Need some help?” He asked, trying his best to suppress a chuckle. 

“That better not be a laugh at my expense,” she said with a crooked smile.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied and moved around the sofa to help her up, unable to wipe the smile off his face. Once she was on her feet, his hands went to her stomach, rubbing softly before delivering a tender kiss to her lips, “It’s beginning to feel more real now.”

“I’ve noticed, especially since I’ve had to make the switch to a maternity uniform,” she mused, “More so when I try to put it on in the morning,” and gave him a wide smile, making him return it. 

“Come on,” he said taking her hand and led her into the bedroom. 

When they were inside, he began to help her get undressed so she could put on her nightgown. Seeing her this way made her feel self-conscious. She wasn’t completely thrilled with all the changes to her body and tried to keep herself covered, especially when he was around. Sitting down on the bed, he helped her pull off her pants. When he began to slide down her panties, she placed her hand over his with a questioning look, “I don’t need to take those off,” she said.

“I’m afraid you do,” he countered, letting his free hand caress the inside of her thigh, causing a gasp to escape her lips, “If I’m going to make love to you tonight.”

“No, we can’t,” she breathed.

“Why, the Doctor told me it was perfectly fine.”

She was surprised and a little embarrassed, “You talked to the Doctor about our sex life?”

“Of course not, only if we still could. I’ve wanted to touch you so many times but with everything going on over the last few months and with your mother being here I didn’t think you’d be comfortable with it. So, I never suggested. Now we’re alone for the most part. Everyone is fine and getting the help they need; we should take some time for ourselves.”

“Chakotay, I don’t see how we could even I wanted to,” he was making her feel embarrassed, her skin flushing a light shade of red. 

“You’re sexy when you blush.” He grinned. 

“Stop,” she said, grasping her nightgown and trying to put it over her head, but he grasped it and pulled it away, “What are you doing?”

“I’m serious, you are beautiful and sexy, and I love you. What more can I say to convince you?”

She frowned, “Chakotay, I…” His mouth silenced her once he’d leaned forward and took her left nipple into his mouth, sucking gently, his left hand reaching between her legs to stroke the inside of her thighs slowly. 

Her hands went to his hair, her mind losing her train of thought at the pleasure of his mouth and hands. “Oh…baby,” she whispered, her head falling back.

He continued with his mouth and hands until he knew she was sufficiently aroused and that she’d want to continue without further prompting from him. Getting up off his knees he began helping her scoot across the bed and under the sheets where she would feel more comfortable, having removed her panties beforehand. Indicating she lay on her side and bend forward, her hair slipped off the mattress and rested against the side. Moving behind her, he positioned himself at her entrance.

She released a low throaty moan as he slid himself inside, moving gently, carefully. Her eyes closed, enjoying the feel of him moving deep, unable to recall the last time they had been together in this way. His hand stroked her bare back, her side, fondling a breast, always keeping one hand on her hip to hold her steady.

Panting softly, her hand reached forward to grip the sheet, gripping and releasing the material in her hand, her other hand slid down her leg and grasped his hand on her hip as he continued the slow push to release. She had never made love like this before, well she’d never been this pregnant before, but the pleasure he was making her feel, the way he touched her, spoke to her, was surpassing any feelings she had been harboring about her body. 

“You feel so good Kathryn.” He moaned; his hand continuing to wander her body. He kept the pace slow and gentle, feeling a gradual buildup was best. 

“Oh…Gooooodddd, “She said, drawing out the word. He was making it harder to resist the climax that was building in the pit of her stomach. 

“That’s it,” he encouraged, panting, “Come for me, baby.”

Her eyes were unfocused, finding it difficult to rationally consider any other conclusion. His constant steady pace bringing her ever closer. “I want to feel you come inside me.” She replied, her voice husky and deep, “Please…” the last word a whisper. 

He wanted to, and it was taking everything he had to try and hold on for her. Wanting her to be the first to enjoy rapture, “Let go, and I will.” He compromised, “Once I feel you coming around me, I won’t be able to stop myself.”

She moaned softly, her body beginning to feel as though it were expanding with light and energy until she could no longer contain the explosion. When it did, she cried out softly, almost whimpering, and gripped the sheet tightly with both hands. “Oh…Chakotay.” She whimpered when she felt him join her, spilling himself deep within, keeping her own climax going. It was one of her favorite pleasures. 

She had never felt any previous lovers release inside her until him, the feeling invoking something extremely intimate and forbidden, making her crave the sensation and the sense of euphoria that seemed to accompany it. Her back bowed inward slightly, thrusting her body backward, the angle only pushing him in deeper. “That’s it, keep coming inside me.” She moaned softly, enjoying the familiar pleasure. 

“I love you.” He whispered as his hips shook, releasing the last of himself inside her, feeling the ecstasy of the moment as his hand reached up to caress her bare back. 

“I love you too.” She answered, feeling his hips settle against her, ecstasy giving way to contentment.

Carefully he moved away from her before rolling her onto her back. Moving next to her, he kissed her tenderly, lovingly, and felt her returning that kiss. His hands cupped the side of her neck, allowing his thumb to caress the smooth skin of her jaw while her hands stroked his face gently. Eventually, he allowed all his weight to shift to the side and snuggled up to her. His hand stroking the curve of her stomach as they caught her breath. She smiled and placed a hand over his. “I don’t want this moment to end.” She said softly. 

“He nodded, “I know, neither do I,” then sighed happily, “I wish we could just stay like this. Loving each other for the rest of our lives.”

Her thoughts began to drift for a moment, “We will, I’m sure of it. Within a few months, we’ll bring this child into the world and into our family. As soon as Sian arrives home everything will be complete. I just hope she’s okay. I miss her.”

Chakotay released a hopeful sigh, feeling the same way, “So do I.”

They lay there for a time, each allowing their respective thoughts to drift. 

“You still want that backrub?” He asked softly.

She shook her head, “I think we just need to get cleaned up and get some sleep. Asa will be awake in a few hours. We both promised we’d go see his classes exhibition at the San Francisco Art Museum Phoebe arranged for them.”

“In that case,” he said pushing himself up and off the bed. When he was firm on his feet, he took her by the hands and helped her sit up. From there, she was able to make it the rest of the way, “You use the sonic shower and I’ll change the sheets and remake the bed. Afterward, you can go to sleep then I’ll join you after I’ve had my turn.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she replied and gave him a soft kiss.

**Three months later…**

For the last four months, Sian had been spending twelve hours a day, every day in deep meditation. She and Master Fellik would take breaks for food, discussion, and rest, but this had become her existence now. A routine to which she had become accustomed and grew to depend on. It had taken quite some time before she began to feel the stillness and peace Master Fellik advised would come, but also cautioned that until she faced the beast, dismantled its control over her, the peace she had acquired would not last. 

She didn’t know she’d turned seven almost two months ago, the days here stretched together in one long continuous loop, and she took comfort in that expectation. As she sat cross-legged on the floor drinking Vulcan tea and eating the bland porridge, she’d grown accustomed to, her master observed her thoughtfully. “You have a question?” She asked.

“Only one,” he replied, holding the cup in his hand, “What does your beast look like?”

If he’s asked her this question four months ago, her first reaction would have been one of fear and deep anxiety, now, however, it barely registered a response, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.”

He regarded her curiously, “Then how do you know it was ever there?”

“Because I could hear it. I could feel its presence.”

“And now?”

She closed her eyes for a moment, allowing her mind to search for any trace of it. If she tried hard enough, she could still hear it scratching behind the door in her mind, but it had grown quieter over the months each time she gained a new level of peace and understanding, “It’s still there,” she answered. Feeling something touch her face, she opened her eyes. 

She was confused at once, the room had transformed into the place that had broken her, “Master Fellik?” She called, but he wasn’t there. Turning, to her left, she saw her father, his body broken and bloody, suspended only by the hooks in his flesh. He stared at her, laughing, the depths of his eyes vacant. A Kazon stood in front of him, using a knife, he finished the words he’d been carving into his chest. When he stepped aside, the words read ‘Welcome Home’. 

A scream of terror began to rise, finding it nearly impossible to suppress as she turned to the right, only to see her mother chained to the bed, her legs spread wide. Thick layers of smeared blood adorned the inside of her thighs. There was a Kazon between them, his hips pumping obscenely against her. On either side, sitting next to her on the bed were more Kazon. Their hands rubbing her breasts, caressing her face and body. One of them had turned her face toward them and kissed her with passion, and she returned it. Before he had finished, the one on the other side turned her head toward him and kissed her the same way. 

When he released her, her head turned back to the center and met her eyes. Her lips turned up into the maniacal smile she remembered, her eyes empty. The Kazon between her thighs reached his climax and moaned loudly. Her mother closed her eyes and began to moan in pleasure as her head fell back, revealing the angry red smile on her neck.

Sian could no longer suppress the scream and ran forward through the doorway of the bedroom. The only thing that stopped her momentum was the outside logs that framed the front of her home on New Earth. She stood dazed for a moment, confused. The terror fueling her adrenaline rush. Blood pumped in her ears; her heart felt ready to burst. She turned, to the left again, away from the front door and ready to run but stopped.

Before her, was someone she knew well, herself. Back turned, she raised the knife in her hand and stabbed it through the head of the Kazon knelt before her. Letting go of the knife, she grasped either side of his head, and with a sickening rip, pulled it free. She turned toward her holding the head in her hands, presenting it to her as if it were a gift. The front of her purple dress was drenched in blood, her brown eyes empty as a maniacal smile graced her lips. 

“Welcome home.” She said sweetly.

Backing up, she fell off the porch and landed on something squishy. She was completely gripped by terror as she rolled to the side. Pushing herself up, she looked down to see the woman Seska, lying twisted and broken. Veins bulged unnaturally on her face, her eyes large and completely bloodshot. Her lips twisted into a sneer, “Did you really think you wouldn’t see me again?” Then laughed wickedly, before her expression twisted into rage, “Now where is it? Where is Voyager?” 

Screaming, she backed away then turned to run. The forest around her was burning, the grass scorched brown, and around her were piles of burning bodies, all of them Kazon. She could hear them moaning in agony, their arms reaching out in every direction. There was a river beyond them, if she could reach it, she could board her father's boat and be safe. Running carefully, she pulled away from the burning hands that reached for her as she passed, releasing a fearful cry every time one got close.

The burning bodies of Maj Cullah and his son Vett stepped out from behind the tree line as she drew closer. She bent forward, hands resting on her knees as she dragged hot smoke-filled air into her lungs, making her choke. She couldn’t go on this way, running from every dark twisted nightmarish thought the beast dragged to the surface. She continued to choke on the harsh air, coughing, feeling herself grow weak. 

She allowed herself to fall onto her knees and steepled her fingers together, eyes closed. There had to be a place in her mind the beast had not touched, someplace beautiful, peaceful. She allowed her mind to drift, searching over the tainted memories until she found one and reached for it. 

She was falling, laughing as the face of her father’s smiling face flashed across her vision. The sky a clear blue, white clouds rushed by. Turning her head, she could see her brother Asa pass, cries of joy escaping him as he swung back. On the upswing, her mother’s face came into view, and she was smiling, her laughter pure and filled with delight. She leaned her head back, her hands gripping the rope on either side of the leather harness she was sitting in. Allowing the wind to ripple her hair and brush across her face. Her father released a warm hearty laugh and he pushed her again, sending her higher.

Her mother pushed her brother, the wide smile on her lips was always her favorite feature. It was one of the first things she remembered about her, that, and her clear deep blue eyes. She loved her, missed her, ached to hear her voice tell her she loved her one more time, that she was one of the most precious things to her in the universe. The feeling of comfort and peace when she enveloped her in her arms, her smell delicate and feminine. 

She missed her father's laugh, his dark brown eyes that promised stories and adventure. The rides he would take her on, perched across his wide muscled shoulders. How he would hug her, offering security and safety in his arms and tell her she was his little princess, and that she was special and good and loved. 

She would never have that again; it had been cruelly ripped away by strangers, and she found herself weeping for the loss, the anger at herself for letting it happen, too afraid to make her presence known and find herself tortured and broken, suffering the way her parents had and eventually allowing the madness to consume her as it did them in the end. 

How long was she prepared to go on this way? Allowing the beast to taint every good thing that came into her life. She had been given a miracle, even though it might not be the parents she remembered, it was them, brought back into her life. They loved her, cared for her, accepted her, and wanted to expose her to all the same opportunities her own parents would have wished for her and Asa. 

She had to forgive herself for being alive, for choosing to stay that way while her parents suffered, frozen by fear, or the beast would take it all. Consume and twist every good thing in her life until she really was crazy and waiting for death to release her. 

The sky had gone dark, she was alone. A plasma storm raged around her as she stood at the eye, the storm matching the intensity of the pain, anger, and grief she’d been holding behind that locked door. Hidden away with the beast. 

Something twisted and monstrous stepped into the calm ring. Its eyes red, its mouth contorted into a maniacal smile. The body and limbs resembling that of a skeleton, the skin stretched tight and beginning to tear away in spots. Fingers were elongated and claw-like, pointed thick black and yellow nails extended from the tips, made for tearing. Their hair long and wild, extending around the head and razor-sharp, as if it possessed a life all its own. 

She could see herself in its features, knew this was how she had come to view herself. It was the beast that fueled all her nightmares and kept her afraid. It began to shamble toward her, then slowly built up to an incredible speed. Sian ran toward it head-on, unafraid, her speed impossible. There was a shockwave when they crashed. The beast began to tear into her flesh, it’s razor-wire hair slashing across her skin, making deep painful cuts. Through the agony, she wrapped her arms around the beast and held it to her with all her strength. “You have no power over me,” she said firmly. 

She kept repeating her words as the beast fought against her grip, ripping, slashing, screaming. Closing her eyes, she blocked out the pain, repeating her words like a chant. Having no idea if this was going to work, performing the act in faith alone. Surrendering herself completely to the unknown, knowing that it could destroy her. 

Her body was being torn away, consumed by its unquenchable thirst for vengeance. She held on anyway, through the pain, through the fear, through doubt and uncertainty. Her will had to be stronger than theirs, so she continued to hold on through will alone, it had taken nearly every good thing from her, but it wouldn’t take this. This once-perfect memory, it was hers, and she would die defending it. 

A piercing scream lingered in her ears, making her go deaf for a moment. She opened her eyes, the body in her arms turning to ash. The storm began to die, the sun came out. The ashes carried away on the warm breeze. She was on New Earth, the sky blue with a whiff of cloud, the trees swaying gently. The smell of grass and earth filling her senses. She could see the house and her mother’s garden, her father’s workbench nearby. 

“Sian.” Came a soft voice she recognized immediately, turning she stared straight into the clear deep blue eyes of her mother. Sian stood frozen as she stared, unable to believe what she was seeing. Her father placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled, “I knew you could do it, my little princess.”

“Mom? Dad?” She began to cry, and her mother took her into her comforting embrace. They looked just how she remembered as if nothing had changed, “Is this a dream? Am I dead?”

“No,” her mother said with a soft laugh, “We’re here so you can finally say goodbye.”

She held her tighter, the tears streaming unapologetic down her cheeks, “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” her father said bending down, “but that’s all we get to say.”

Her mother pulled her away gently and smiled, gently wiping the tears from her cheeks, “We will always love you and Asa, but you have a new family now that will be able to give you all the things we’ve wished for both of you. Accept the gift you’ve been given.”

“Mommy I-“

“Your mother’s right,” her father said and stroked her hair, “Be happy, live, find love as your mother and I did, and allow yourself to be loved by the people you love. We will always be in your heart, no one can take that from you.”

“I don’t want to forget you,” she said softly. 

“Who said anything about forgetting?” Her father answered, “We’ll always be here, watching over both of you.” She hugged him, inhaling his scent, the one she remembered. 

Gently they parted and her parents both got to their feet. Looking to her they smiled and joined hands. She could see the love they always had for her, for each other. Slowly they turned and began heading back toward the house. Sian watched as they walked away, feeling a sense of peace she hadn’t felt since that day.

Her mother turned and called out to her, “When you’re feeling sad, remember the story under the stars,” She said, “And over time, as their love grew, they created out of that love two miraculous and wonderous gifts that became the embodiment of their love and peace,” then smiled the wide smile she remembered, the one that was her favorite before turning to retake her father’s hand, disappearing around the corner.

Her eyes opened slowly, Master Fellik sitting across from her, his hand moving away from her face and said, “I believe you are ready to return home.”

***

Sian wasn’t ready. She still felt fear and apprehension, but not for the same reasons she used to. The last time she saw her family they were devastated and distraught by her suicide attempt. At the time she felt it was the right thing. That it was the only way to destroy the beast and guarantee it could never be unleashed and hurt the people she loved. 

She thought about the look on their faces, the disbelief, the fear, the deep pain in their eyes. Her actions had wounded and put them all on edge. The next morning when she awoke in her mother’s arms, she could hear her crying softly. 

“I’m sorry mommy,” she said quietly, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” The sudden sound of her voice seemed to surprise her. She could feel her body grow tense for a moment.

“Sian…I don’t understand why we’re not enough,” she said, trying to hold back the raw emotions that were threatening to overwhelm her, “What did we do wrong? Did we not show you enough love? Enough compassion? Enough understanding?”

“Its…not any of you…I’m the one who’s bad,” She answered after a moment.

“Honey, you’re not bad.” She said holding her firmly, “You saw things no one should ever see. I can only imagine how deeply that’s affected you and Asa. How frightened and confused you both must be. Why didn’t you tell us you were considering something like that? All we want is to help you, love you, make you happy. Both of you deserve it.”

Sian considered her words for a long time, knowing that the answer would only hurt her more deeply than the act she committed. She didn’t tell anyone because she knew they would find a way to stop her. And the words she overheard Doctor Morgan telling her parents last night about how she didn’t jump right away because she wanted them to understand her reasons why she was doing it, needed them to understand that it wasn’t anything they did that lead her to this decision. She was right about that, she wanted them to understand and agree with her solution. Her mother’s words on the balcony had almost convinced her not to do it. She even raised her hand to take hers, but at the last second decided it wasn’t worth the risk and allowed herself to fall.

“I love you, and Daddy, and Asa, but…I’m…too broken to save. I make your lives too sad; you should have let me fall.”

Her mother’s tears had stopped, and she felt herself being rolled over onto her back. The look on her mother's face was one of hurt and anger. Her eyes were penetrating, and if she could feel anything other than numbness, she might have been afraid of that glare, “Don’t you ever say that again.” She said, her voice low and deadly. 

She could tell she wanted to say more but managed to stop herself. She locked eyes with her for just a few moments, considering if any of the thoughts she was having should be spoken, but in the end, decided against it. Slowly she got up and quietly left the room. 

Listening, she could hear the concern in her father’s voice, asking her mother what was wrong. She heard her release a loud sob, and her father offering her comfort. “What’s wrong Dad?” Asa questioned. 

“You’re mother’s just sad right now. Maybe some hugs from her favorite son might help,” He suggested, trying to sound happy for all their sakes. 

Maybe it was better for them that she does not return at all. That she stays here at the temple and give her life in service to the monks. Allow her family to find peace without her. She was just a reminder of all the bad things that she’s done or said over the time she was with them. Her own parents may have given her the chance to say goodbye, and she might have defeated the beast, but she was far from whole. 

“Master Fellik, I believe there is a flaw in your logic.” She said, respectively. 

He raised a curious eyebrow. “What would that be?”

“When you said that you believe I was ready to return home.”

He gave a nod, considering her words, “Perhaps I misjudged you, Sian.”

“How so Master?” She questioned.

“It was not my logic that was in error but, I was.”

Her eyes widened in surprise, “Master?”

“Logic states that once you defeated the beast in your mind, setting yourself free of its influence, you as a human child would want to return to your family. You would of course still require guidance by Doctor Morgan to help you further explore and understand your feelings. However, the idea that you would wish to continue your training was a concept I had not fully considered given your age.”

“There is still so much I need to learn. I can never return to my family until I am whole.” She reasoned.

He clasped his hands behind his back, “I will contact Doctor Morgan and inform her that you have decided to stay and continue your training with us. Now, began your meditations. I will return shortly.”

Getting down on her knees, she steepled her fingers together and began to meditate.”

***

“What do you mean she’s not coming home?” Kathryn nearly shouted at Doctor Morgan as she sat across from her and Chakotay in their living room.

“Master Fellik had determined she was ready to return once she had confronted and defeated the beast in her mind. However, he advised me that it was Sian’s decision to stay and continue her training. She doesn’t feel she’s ready to come home yet.”

The doctor’s words only served to upset his wife further, which wasn’t too difficult considering she was eight months pregnant, the very nature of her condition causing her hormones to become erratic, but the added stress of everything happening with the children only made the already thin veneer of control she was able to maintain over her emotions impossible. It had gotten to a point that she had to start her leave a week ago after she found herself bursting into tears for what seemed to be for no reason, then unable to stop herself. It was getting in the way of her work. When it started a few months ago she had found ways to hide or control the sudden outburst, but now it had become impossible. 

“Doctor, she’s seven-years-old,” Chakotay began, “She’s not old enough to make those kinds of decisions for herself yet. I thought Vulcan’s were supposed to be logical. Does this seem very logical to you?”

Doctor Morgan’s manner was patient, calm, and understanding. This wasn’t her first time dealing with a family whose child had to go into long term treatment. Granted, it was the first time she left those decisions in the hands of the Vulcan monks, but they had the temperament and analytical abilities to conclude if the decision was being made out of some need to avoid some perceived consequence by the patient. However, he advised this was not the case when she questioned him about it. 

He seemed impressed by Sian’s resolve to immerse herself in the training. How she wanted to make certain that she was in the right state of mind to return home to her family, not wanting to risk any chance that her presence would inflict any further pain.

“You don’t give your daughter enough credit Captain. She has accomplished a major step in her recovery, and she wants to continue taking those steps.” 

Leaning forward slightly, she looked them both in the eyes, wanting them to understand was she about to reveal, “She wants to return home. She wants to be with all of you, but she doesn’t want to do that as she is right now. She still feels broken, and until she believes she will not be a burden to you, she wants to continue to strengthen her mental resolve.”

“I appreciate your candor Doctor,” Kathryn said, and she meant it, “But I want you to understand what I’m saying. I want my daughter home.”

“Admiral, I understand-“

“I want you to do more than just understand.” She interrupted, “I want you to make it happen.”

Doctor Morgan stood up, knowing that she was upset and whatever she said would only make the situation worse, “I’m afraid it’s out of my hands, Admiral. The board has already made their decision and determined that Sian will continue to stay with the monks, for now.”

Kathryn was so angry all she could see was red, “Get out,” the words were deadly, low. Tears were already streaming down her cheeks, unable to stop them as she sat staring straight ahead.

Chakotay gave the Doctor an apologetic nod as he stood up to escort her out the door. He joined her on the other side, knowing how his wife was feeling now. 

“I’m sorry…”

She held up a hand and gave a smile, “No need to apologize, she has every right to feel the way she does. If it were my child, I might react the same. I’m sure the pregnancy isn’t helping her current frame of mind.”

“She’s normally not like this, so yes, the pregnancy does have a lot to do with it but it’s not the only thing driving her feelings.”

She crossed her arms, considering his words, “Both of you have spoken with me about what the children witnessed regarding the torture and death of their parents. I’ve offered to speak with both of you about it and put you in touch with someone you feel more comfortable with to discuss it. However, the Admiral has yet to have taken me up on that,” She placed a hand on his shoulder, “Both of you have been affected deeply by what happened, to say neither of you hasn’t would be dishonest. You both love these children, anyone can see that, and neither of you live in a bubble, the knowledge of what happened and having to help two young children cope will wear down anyone’s resolve. Especially when one of them had to be transferred into someone else’s care for specialized treatment. It can be frustrating and disheartening.”

Chakotay sighed, “I realize that, but you don’t know Kathryn. She’s not one who would ever ask for help, but she’ll give it freely. I need to find a way to get her to talk to someone about the nightmares.”

She cocked her head slightly to the side and asked, “What nightmares?”

He sighed, “They started a few months ago, it only happened every once in a while but lately they’ve become more frequent and terrifying,” He paused, considering his next words, “You’re aware of what Asa and Sian witnessed regarding their parent's deaths.” She nodded, “Well, she’s been having very disturbing dreams about what they did to her counterpart directly, it’s as if she’s experiencing it from her perspective. She wakes up at times inconsolable, confused as to who I am or where she is. If you add that on top of everything that’s going on you can only imagine the level of stress and strain, it’s putting on her and the baby. I’m not sure what else I can do?” He felt helpless, frustrated, “Asa has actually been the brightest spot though all this. He’s been responding well to your treatment therapy and making new friends, he’s happier but concerned about the rest of us.”

“He’s a very compassionate, loving, and empathetic young man with a good head on his shoulders. We’ve been discussing the stress of what’s been happening at home during his sessions. He’s genuinely concerned about everyone, especially his mother. He knows you and Sian are getting the help you need, even though he’s not thrilled that his sister is far away, and he’s worked through his fear of his sister’s behavior before she left, but his mother remains’ a constant source of concern. He knows something is going on with her, but not exactly what. I take it neither of you has mentioned the nightmares to him.”

“Oh God no.” Chakotay said firmly, “That’s the last thing that boy needs to know about.”

Doctor Morgan nodded in agreement. “I have someone in mind that I believe could help your wife cope. How would you feel about them coming to your home for afternoon visits?”

“I don’t have a problem with that. I’ll do whatever it takes to help Kathryn though this.”

She nodded, “I’ll give them a call and see if I can have them come here at the same time Asa and you come for your therapy sessions.”

“I don’t think we should tell her they’re coming. I know my wife doctor; she’ll find a way to disappear if she knows about it. If there’s a backlash, I can handle the fallout later.” 

***

She had the apartment to herself and Asa and Chakotay had just left for their respective therapy sessions. It would have been a perfect time for her to take a bath but didn’t feel she had the physical strength to bring herself to do it. In the end, she decided she would go out onto the balcony and take her crocheting with her. 

Her mother had taught her how to do it when she was a girl but had never been incredibly good at it. Her sister, on the other hand, had loved and took to it so well she began creating her own patterns and designs, always more creative out of the two of them. She may not have been as good at the artistic or creative aspects of life, but she still enjoyed trying her hand at them. 

She’d began this afghan four months ago after Sian had left for Vulcan. Thinking she could use it as a way of distracting herself from the pain she was feeling. It had worked for a while, focusing on the pattern she was trying to follow. It was a trail of tears design, the pattern somewhat challenging. Every time she allowed her thoughts to drift, she’d get lost on where she was supposed to be on the row she was working on. When she realized she’d gotten off track she’d have to pull the entire row loose and start over. It was a wonder how she’d managed to get as far as she had. 

The colors of the afghan were a confetti pattern based on the type of yarn she’d replicated, blue, purple, and pink, thinking she had covered all her basis depending on the sex of the baby. She and Chakotay decided to leave it a surprise, but it wasn’t the only reason she had decided to wait and see. With everything going on it gave her the opportunity to not have to focus on the baby’s sex, making it feel a little more ambiguous and a touch less real. Right now, she could do with a little less reality.

Picking up her crochet basket, she requested the computer to begin softly playing Antonin Dvořák’s “New World” Symphony as she opened the doors to the balcony and headed to her favorite outdoor chair, the one which provided the best back support. It seemed, as always, the moment she got herself comfortable, the crochet hook in her hand and the afghan spread across her lap, the door chime sounded, “Wonderful,” she thought with a groan before asking the computer to pause the music. 

Pushing herself up, she placed the items on the seat of the chair as she headed back into the living area and said, “Enter.” The door opened to reveal a woman who had long dark brown hair, wide expressive brown eyes, and a gentle smile housed inside a Starfleet uniform. She recognized her, but couldn’t place her name, only having met her for a few moments at Starfleet Medical on her way to her monthly checkup with the Doctor. 

“I’m sorry for disturbing you, Admiral Janeway. My name is Deanna Troi, we briefly met a few months ago, I’m not sure if you remember.” Her voice was kind and gentle, a slight smile on her lips along with just a hint of childlike curiosity. 

“I do, please come in.” She stepped inside and allowed the door to close behind her. “If memory also serves, your husband is Captain William Riker assigned to the USS Titan. I remember him from my academy days.”

“You have an incredibly good memory, Admiral. I wasn’t aware you knew Wil.” Then she continued with a mischievous glint in her eye. “Perhaps you might allow me to bend your ear sometime about it. I’d be curious to know what he was like back then.”

She smiled knowingly, “Perhaps I could be persuaded, and please, call me Kathryn. There’s no need for formalities.”

She nodded, “As long as you call me Deanna.” Then paused a moment, allowing the tone to shift, “I didn’t mean to arrive unannounced, but my presence was requested. May we talk for a few moments if that’s alright?”

This time it was Kathryn who nodded and gestured for her to join her on the balcony. She went to the seat where her crochet was laying and picked it up. Deanna entered once Kathryn had turned around to retake her seat and started to put the items away. “That is beautiful.” She said in admiration.

“Thank you,” she replied and gestured for her to take a seat, which she did across from her, “I’ve been working on it off and on for a while now.”

“Can I assume you’re making it for the baby?”

“Yes, I had hoped to have it completed before they arrived, but it looks like that’s not going to happen. I’m not even half-finished.” She replied as she bent down and placed the items back in the basket. Once she had resettled herself back in the chair she asked in a light tone. “You mentioned your presence was requested?”

“Yes, by your husband and Doctor Morgan,” Deanna answered, trying to keep the conversation on an upbeat.

Kathryn’s tone changed to a hint of sourness, “I see, well I’m sorry they wasted your time.”

“Kathryn,” she said firmly but kindly, “I may have been requested to pay you a visit, but that doesn’t mean you’re required to tell me anything. I enjoyed our previous conversation, so when I was asked to come here, I thought if nothing else it would give me an excuse to speak with you again. I’m sure you’re also tired of people asking you about your time in the delta quadrant since you’ve returned. It’s certainly a major point of interest at the very least.”

She regarded her curiously, uncertain if this was simply an attempt to try and put her at ease, “The subject has come up on occasion, not as often as I originally anticipated. For the most part, people tend to shy away from the topic. However, my husband seems to be consistently questioned by his students.”

“Well, I’m sure your new position doesn’t afford most people the benefit of your personal time, and you can project quite an intimidating presence,” she replied warmly.

Kathryn found herself giving her a hint of a smile without realizing it. She was finding it difficult to find any excuse not to like her. “I suppose you’re right if the truth be told, but I would be interested in knowing why your presence was requested,” she always had a knack for finding a way to circle back to the information she wanted.

Deanna didn’t react in the manner she had come to expect from most people. Many of whom were also Starfleet personnel, and they appeared to be as she pointed out, intimidated by her whether that was the intention or not. It was just the nature of the rank and position she held. That, and the fact she was the captain of a lost ship who’d managed to get her crew home after only seven years and defeat the Borg at the same time, propelling her to legendary status. 

“I won’t lie to you, to do so would only be an insult to your intelligence. Your husband and Doctor Morgan are worried about you, have been for quite some time in regards to everything that’s happened with your children and helping them cope with the trauma they endured, but your husband, in particular, is concerned with the progression of the nightmares he says you’re experiencing.” She answered simply, factually. 

Kathryn’s surprise at her directness was minimal, nominal. For her to be less than honest in response would also be an insult to this woman’s intelligence. Besides, she was also part Betazoid, and would sense if she were attempting to be dishonest, “Everyone has nightmares, and I’m doing my best to deal with them. Most of the time situations like these do tend to get worse before they get better, and in time they will as well.”

Deanna could sense she was being honest in the context of her convictions. However, it was also a means of deflection, “I have no intention of trying to force you to discuss anything with me you don’t want to. As I said before, I would just enjoy having a conversation with you if nothing else. You’ve certainly led an interesting life, have had some particularly unique experiences. Seen things in the delta quadrant only you and your crew can claim to have seen firsthand. There is more to you than most people will ever know or see. Even though what I was asked to come here and discuss with you is quite different.” 

She really didn’t have an immediate response to her statement. Uncertain how or even if she should allow the conversation to continue. She couldn’t help but admire the woman’s honesty and directness, her kind and gentle nature combined with an incomparable amount of empathy and compassion. She liked her, a lot. Finally, she gave her a smile and shook her head slightly while releasing a soft laugh, “I have a feeling I’m going to regret this, but why not. Let’s just talk for a while and see how it goes.”

They had been talking for about forty minutes when Deanna asked her, “So, what can you tell me about Wil at the academy. I’ve been dying to know since you mentioned it.”

Kathryn gave her a sly smile, “I thought he was intelligent, brash, and a bit of a hothead, but he could also be very charming and funny. I have to admit I didn’t know him that well, but well enough that he certainly left an impression.”

Deanna gave her an amused smile, “He hit on you, didn’t he?”

She blushed slightly, “He was quite persistent actually,” she admitted, “I’m not sure why, to be honest. We didn’t have very much in common.”

A laugh escaped her lips, “I’ve known Wil off and on for a long time before we were assigned to the Enterprise, and I was also very much aware of his proclivity for always seeking out intelligent beautiful women at the time. I can’t say I’m surprised he vigorously pursued you, you certainly were his type. He has softened over the years however, and it took some time before I was convinced, he was ready to settle down and start a family.”

“I certainly never imagined that once I returned home, I’d be married and pregnant or become an instant family with a six and nine-year-old and all within a year, but I wouldn’t change it. I’m in love with my husband, I love our children, and I find it impossible to imagine any day that would ever change,” She admitted.

“I’m happy for you, and it’s certainly deserved,” Deanna replied with a warm genuine smile. 

It was then that her com badge beeped, indicating that her time was up and rose from her chair. Kathryn attempted to stand but Deanna gestured for her to sit, “I really enjoyed speaking with you. Perhaps you’ll allow me to do it again with you at the end of the week.”

She had allowed herself to forget why this woman was here in the first place, but upon remembering, realized that she didn’t mind the reason for her presence, only that she’d truly enjoyed herself, and it had been a while since she found herself in that position. “I'm sure something can be arranged,” She answered with a smile.

“Same time? Friday afternoon?” She confirmed.

“I look forward to it.” And she did.

“I’ll show myself out. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me Kathryn, I thoroughly enjoyed it,” the response genuine.

Kathryn smiled, “As did I, Deanna.”

Giving her a nod, she left her alone and overlooking the city with a warm smile on her lips.


	20. Chapter 20

Chakotay had been preparing himself for a severe dressing down, or the cold shoulder when he returned home with Asa that afternoon, but what he found his wife doing upon entering their apartment was the last thing he expected. They could smell the sweet concoction down the hall before they reached the door. He thought it had to be coming from someone else’s condo, but when they entered, he was pleased upon realizing it was emanating from theirs.

She was baking chocolate chip cookies and listening to the album “Kind of Blue” by Miles Davis. Kathryn only listened to the album when she was in a good mood, so to hear the upbeat jazz melodies filling the room was a pleasant surprise. He watched by the door for a moment as she greeted their son Asa with a kiss and a careful hug, her hands covered in the sticky concoction she was currently mixing in a bowl. Asa noticed the rack of cooling cookies she’d already baked and asked if he could have some. She gave him a wide smile and agreed, warning him not to eat too many, they would be having dinner soon before he hurried off into his room. 

When she looked over to her husband standing by the door, the smile didn’t falter. “How was your session today?” She asked, her hands resuming their work before her eyes followed.

“Very well.” He answered and approached, taking a seat on the stool across from her at the island counter. The smile on his face a mixture of delight and confusion, “You seem to have had a productive afternoon.” He commented looking at the two racks of cooling cookies then to the batch she was currently mixing. 

“I suppose I have.” She replied a gave a crooked smile.

He laughed softly, “It’s good to see you like this.”

“Like what? Barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen?” She joked.

“No,” he replied laughing, “although you do look pretty sexy in that apron.” She continued to smirk, “What I’m saying is that I haven’t seen you this relaxed and carefree in a while. It suits you.”

Looking up at him, her eyes were soft, content. “I should be angry with you, but I’m not.”

“I have to admit, I thought you would be by the time we got back. Seeing you here like this was not what I was expecting.” He admitted with a grin. 

She covered the mixture with a self-sealing glass lid and activated the vacuum to pump out the air before placing the bowl in the refrigeration unit, then moved over to begin washing her hands as he continued to watch her in adoration, the grin prominent on his lips. Drying her hands, she said, “I’m surprised by how much I enjoyed talking to her today. In fact, I enjoyed it so much we’re going to do it again on Friday.”

“Glad to hear it. It’s great you’ve found a friend in her. She seems like a good person.”

“I think so too.” She replied setting down the towel, “but if you ever try something like this again, I’ll have you sleeping on the couch for the next year.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He replied, making her laugh, sounding just like Tom Paris as he walked around the island counter to join her on the other side. Leaning down, his hands caressed the sides of her stomach as his lips found hers, kissing her tenderly. She placed one of her hands over the one he had on her stomach, the other laying gently on the center of his chest as she returned that kiss. Suddenly they both felt the baby shift, and to her, it felt like they’d just performed a somersault.

“What was that?” She asked surprised as they pulled apart, both hands going to her stomach. 

“I think that was the baby turning into position.” He answered, having helped his mother when she was a midwife from the ages of eight to ten, “I’ve heard several women describe the sensation to my mother many times when she was a midwife.”

“That was certainly one of the oddest sensations I’ve ever felt.” She replied and rubbed her stomach gently. 

“I can only imagine.” He answered, giving her stomach a gentle rub as well. 

“Okay, I think I need to sit down,” She announced,” That shift appears to have put a lot of pressure on my pelvic bone. It’s starting to get a little uncomfortable.”

Walking her over to the sofa, he helped her sit down before joining her. She squirmed for a few moments, trying to find a good position to relieve some of the pressure before settling beside him. “I get used to one change with this pregnancy and then something else happens. When does it end?”

He gave a soft chuckle, “Not until after you’ve given birth, I’m afraid. Even afterward you’ll still feel uncomfortable for a little while.”

“Great,” she replied with a grim smile, “Something else to look forward to.”

“I’m sorry you’re feeling so uncomfortable, but it will all be worth it in the end. We’ll have a beautiful healthy baby to take home with us.” He replied, rubbing her stomach gently. “Asa’s getting pretty excited about it. He seems to be really looking forward to having another brother or sister.”

A smile lingered on her lips as her thoughts began to drift, thinking about their life after the baby’s born and if Sian will be back in time for it. “I hope Sian will be here for this, but at the same time, I want her to be well. I just wish I knew how much longer she’ll be gone for.”

“So do I.” He answered and gave her a gentle squeeze around the shoulders. “Tell you what, I’ll run you a bath so you can relax for a bit then I’ll replicate all of us some dinner. How does that sound?”

“Like you’re trying to butter me up for another blow.” She answered with a good-natured laugh, invoking a similar one from him as she patted him on the thigh. “I will take the bath, however.” Then offered him a soft kiss. For a few seconds, it had the potential of turning into something more until their son entered the room. 

“Mom?” He called softly. 

They stopped, and Chakotay stood up and gave her a wink, “I’ll go get your bath started,” and entered their bedroom and into the ensuite.

“Yes, baby?” She called over her shoulder, “Come here and sit with me.” He did, making his way over and sat down beside her, putting her arms around him, he held her back and leaned against her shoulder. Kissing the top of his head, she then rested her cheek against it. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

He was quiet for a time, uncertain as to how to say it, then decided on the truth. “I’ve heard you in the middle of the night, screaming.” He said softly, “Just like mom did when those men were hurting her. It scares me.”

She held him closer, tears forming in her eyes, the pain in his little voice was heartbreaking. The last thing she wanted was to ever hurt her children. They already had enough to deal with without anything making it worse. “I’m so sorry honey.”

“You and dad are two of the strongest people I’ve ever known, and I don’t like it when you’re sad or hurting. It makes me feel bad because I can’t stop it. You tell me I need to talk about my feelings, be honest about them even when you’re not. Why did you stop talking to the counselor?”

He made her feel like the hypocrite she was, and it would be dishonest for her to try and pretend otherwise. He had put his own little spotlight on her, making her feel completely exposed under its gaze, “Because your mother thinks she can handle her own problems and doesn’t know when to admit she needs help. Makes me sound pretty foolhardy doesn’t it?”

“No,” he answered, “Just scared like the rest of us.”

The answer was honest, simple, direct. She was scared and had been living that way her whole life for the most part. Trying to outrun her feelings, and when possible, pretend they didn’t exist. Every time that happened, she would end up making some of the worst decisions of her life, she’d seen many examples of this reoccurring theme over the years. “You’re right Asa, I am scared. I worry, doubt, hold onto guilt. I can’t keep living that way anymore, not when I have so many reasons not to. I have you and your sister, your father, our family and friends, and the baby.” She separated from him gently and caressed his cheek. Giving him a smile, she said, “I will talk to someone about this, if not for my own sake then for all of yours. I promise.”

He smiled, “I just want you to be happy mom. I want all of us to be happy.”

She pulled him in close again, “We will be sweetheart. One day we’ll all be together and happy.” He seemed satisfied by her answer, and more importantly, he believed and trusted in it. She wouldn’t break this promise, even if she wanted to. Someday, their family would find peace and happiness.

*** 

It had been a week since she’d made the decision to stay with the monks. Spending her time not only learning to recognize emotions but how to deconstruct them so they didn’t continue to hold power over her. She toyed with the idea of trying to suppress them completely, however, Master Fellik advised that the human brain was not currently designed for this purpose. Perhaps over time, as humans continued to evolve over the centuries, their physiology out of necessity may become sufficient to allow that process to occur. The best she could do was attempt to recognize the emotion and see the precise moment of how it was triggered. Once the offending emotion was acknowledged, she could then disarm the power it had over her. The more she practiced this process, the easier and faster it would become. However, this was not the case yet, some of it running too deep to let go of.

As she meditated, Master Fellik walked her through the steps. “See the anger in your mind. Notice how it moves within you. It’s color, it’s shape. Now allow it to fill you, understand its power.”

She thought about Doctor Gand, how he stood over her mother holding the laser scalpel. The look of hatred in his eyes, the way his mouth curled down in disgust. The sharpness of his white teeth. How his brow furrowed, the lines in his face and around his mouth. The way he moved toward her with only one desire encompassing his being, to kill.

She wanted him to die, to crush him utterly. How dare he try to take away something she loved and needed. Her mother belonged to her, and he didn’t have the right to take her away. She would fight him to the death defending her if necessary. Firing the shot which killed him didn’t feel good enough. He had to know how much she hated him, how she wanted to hurt him, control him, destroy him.

“Good,” he said sensing her rage, “now find the precise moment the anger manifested.”

She thought back, trying to find the moment the emotion was triggered. It took time for her to find it, playing the moment over and over in her mind. Analyzing every second as if she were watching a movie back frame by frame. Then she found it, only lasting for less than a second, it was the smile of complete satisfaction he gave when he realized the power, he’d unleashed via Lieutenant Runningwolf. How pleased he was with himself for unleashing complete destruction.

It was the same look she didn’t recognize in Seska’s eyes when she made the decision to send her mother with those men into the bedroom. That instantaneous flash in her eyes when she decided to flex her power, the deep satisfaction she felt knowing that she had the ability to unleash a tidal wave of anguish and suffering upon her. Understanding that she had a source of unlimited power at her disposal to do more than just destroy her but break her. 

“Let it go child. Acknowledge then defuse it. It is the only way to reclaim your power. If you do not control the anger, it will always control you.” He instructed.

This was by far, the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. Fighting the beast had been simple in comparison. She had to diffuse the anger with forgiveness. 

Letting go of anger and keeping it at bay were two different things. Her ego was holding on with teeth and claws. Unwilling to make the sacrifice. Besides, why should she forgive this woman who ripped her life apart? What kind of mercy was she deserving of? 

“I can’t!” She shouted furiously and stood up. “I will never forgive that woman for what she did to me and my family! I will be long dead, and I’ll still never forgive her!” She was seething with rage, her first real outburst since she began this part of her training. They had started small in the beginning, little hurts progressing into larger ones, but this was beyond her capability. 

“This is why you fail.” Master Fellik said, then left her alone, allowing her some time to restore her composure.

That woman didn’t deserve anyone’s forgiveness. She was a monster, a vile evil creature who deserved to be punished. She deserved what her father did to her in the end, and she would go on the rest of her life hating her.


	21. Chapter 21

Chakotay groaned inwardly when he saw his student Talia DeMarco enter his office. He tried to keep a smile on his face as she entered. This was the last thing he needed to deal with, and it was something he hadn’t mentioned to Kathryn or anyone else. It started five weeks ago when the new semester did. She already had enough on her mind, and he wasn’t prepared to ever lay anything at her feet he could handle himself. She hadn’t crossed any lines yet, but her intentions had been obvious not just to him but other students as well. She was practically making a spectacle of herself, something she was apparently used to. 

Talia was a stunning young woman with long coal-black hair, ice-blue eyes, flawless smooth skin, and a body that would have rivaled Seven-of-Nines. There was always a flock of young men following her around at any given time, and she could have her pick of any of them. 

As a man he was flattered, but there was only one woman who got his heart beating faster and this girl wasn’t even in the same ballpark. He couldn’t fathom why she was interested in him at all. He was old enough to be her father for crying out loud, and the more he politely rebuffed her advances the more determined she became. Perhaps no one had ever said no to her before and now it was personal challenge. It was the only reason he could come up with which made sense. 

He was in the middle of packing up his case and getting ready to go home. Asa was going to stay with a friend over the weekend which provided the opportunity for him to treat Kathryn to a romantic night out, giving them some much needed alone time before the baby came. It would probably be the last time they would be alone for quite a while, and he had been looking forward to it.

“I was just leaving Cadet.” Chakotay said rising from his chair, “If what you need can wait until Monday morning, I’d be happy to discuss it then.”

She smiled and allowed the door to close behind her before leaning back against the frame, “I have a question for you Professor, and I would like your honest opinion.” She was using that little baby doll voice all the young men seemed to go crazy for.

He released a sigh, trying to stay professional and hide the annoyance he was feeling. “I really don’t have the time right now Cadet. My wife is expecting me.” He said heading for the door, and the moment he was close enough to reach it she moved into his path. 

“Now Professor, is that any way to speak to your favorite student?” She said raising her hand to caress his face. 

Grasping it firmly, he held it between them. “This has to stop Ms. DeMarco. I am a very happily married man with two children and one arriving any time now. I have no interest in any kind of association with you outside of a student, teacher relationship. You’re wasting your time.” She didn’t like that, and he could see it on her face. He’d never dealt this harshly with her before, but at the same time, she hadn’t tried to touch him like that before. 

Her features began to soften, and she laughed, casually pulling her hand back, “Chakotay, you don’t have to pretend with me.” She said standing in front of the door.

He shook his head in disbelief. Was she delusional or plain crazy? “We are not friends Ms. DeMarco, you can either address me as Professor or Captain Chakotay. Furthermore, I want to make certain you understand me when I tell you, and I can’t stress this point enough, is that I have zero interest in you. Please feel free to make yourself a note if you’re memory starts to become fuzzy on the subject.” Then began to move past her.

She grabbed his arm, looking as though he’d slapped her. “You’re really going to walk away from me? I know who your wife is, and I admit what she did was impressive, but you’re really going turn down the best night of your life and go home to her?”

He stopped, feeling instant anger, then turned around. Was she trying to insult his wife and attempt to indicate she was better than her in any way? Keeping his anger in check he spoke quietly, the tone unmistakable. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret, and I hope you take these words to heart. Beauty fades, don’t rely on it, focus on your studies instead of trying to compare yourself to people who’ve accomplished more than you.

“If you want the truth Cadet, my wife is a knockout in more ways than you’ll ever know. She’s beautiful, brilliant, kind, compassionate, and one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. She got to where she is through hard work, loyalty, discipline, her devotion to duty, and to the people, she works with, and that is why any of them would willingly go through hell for her. She would risk her life to help and protect anyone in need and upholds the principles of the Federation and what they stand for, and she does all this without any expectation or even a thank you. Not only am I devoted to her, but deeply in love. No woman can come close to her in my eyes. 

“So, I will pretend for your sake we never had this exchange, and I hope when you do return to class, you’ll do so with new respect and appreciation for your future. Then maybe, if you’re lucky, perhaps one day you’ll be half the woman she is. Dismissed.” 

She stood there, jaw slightly dropped, a mixture of disbelief, embarrassment, and anger lingering on her face. She stood frozen to the spot for several seconds before finding the motivation to finally turn and leave without a word. It was the smartest thing she could have done for herself. And even though he had no way of knowing it then, Cadet Talia DeMarco would never approach him again.

***

“I’ve never had anything like that happen to me before Deanna, the closest I came to something like it was when I was captured with my Captain many years ago by the Cardassians. I remember being told we would be going near their space, and as a precaution, we went through training to help prepare us if we ever found ourselves captured. As women, we were treated to additional mental training on how to dissociate and protect our minds if we were subject to rape, a tactic we’d been told Cardassians often used as a part of their interrogations in an attempt to completely demoralize their enemy.”

Deanna nodded, knowing they weren’t the only ones fond of the method. Shinzon had used a telepath to help him violate her while she was in the middle of making love with her husband Wil. The mental scars of the brief encounter had taken a lot of time to process, overcoming the mental triggers that could send her into an absolute state of terror. It took time, but eventually, she did overcome it.

“What my counterpart went through was more than just rape, she was tortured with it many times by many different men over several hours. She had surrendered to madness before they killed her. When I learned of it, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. Wondering if that were me, would I have had the strength to endure or would I succumb to the same madness that claimed her at the end. Knowing my children were watching and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. 

“When I find myself dreaming of it, I’m able to resist in the beginning, utilizing the training I never thought I’d have to use. It works for a while, but then it reaches a point where I feel my mental resolve begins to slip away. Once that happens, I can’t get it back, I’m gripped by pain and an overwhelming state of absolute terror. I’m helpless and my cries for help are ignored, reconfirming that I’m completely on my own. 

“I can’t stop what’s happening regardless of how strong my willpower is. My sense of panic is in overdrive and has a mind of its own. Controlling my responses, my actions, my thoughts. I hear myself pleading, begging, crying for them to stop but nothing changes. They continue to torment me, violating the most intimate part of myself. The part of me I had the right to keep hidden, to share with whom I felt safe and loved enough to be vulnerable, and they’re taking it by force. Using me for their own pleasure.”

Kathryn stopped speaking, shaking, and crying, a mixture of emotions coursing through her, fear, panic, disgust, and rage. It was the last emotion that was more prevalent than the others right now. She wanted to hit something. Hurt those men who’d done this. Make them suffer intolerably until their only means of escape was madness and then go on hurting them. 

“Kathryn,” Deanna said firmly, “Listen to me, you’re alright, you’re safe. No one is here except you and me,” She was consumed in her own rage, unable to be reached. She started to sing a lullaby. Knowing that if she kept singing, it would provide a calming effect over time. Touching her right now would only exasperate the state she was in and possibly cause her to lash out, hurting herself or her child. 

Eventually, she did and looked up at her, shaky hands wiped at her eyes. Deanna stopped singing, “Are you with me, Kathryn?” She nodded, and Deanna handed her some tissues which were accepted, “Just take a moment and breathe, get some deep calming breaths.” Again, she nodded and began doing as instructed. Deanna worried that her blood pressure had shot up to dangerous levels, knowing that was the last thing she or the baby needed. 

After a few moments, she asked, “Feeling better?”

“Yes.”

“I think you released a lot of your anger about what happened just now, and that’s good, but let’s not try that again until after the baby’s born. Alright?”

“I’ll agree with that. I thought I was about burst a blood vessel. I can’t remember the last time I was ever that angry.”

“That wasn’t mere anger Kathryn, that was pure rage. But on a lighter note, I wouldn’t want to meet you in that state anywhere, I’d be in fear for my life.” She said with a soft laugh and a smile, trying to ease the tension.

Kathryn released a laugh as she wiped her nose. “That scary huh?”

“Terrifying would be a more accurate description,” Deanna replied. She didn’t want to end the session with those feelings lingering so close to the surface. She had to lighten the mood, leave things on a more positive note. “May I have your hands, Kathryn?” She looked confused but gave them to her. “Now, close your eyes and try to let your mind go blank.”

Kathryn closed her eyes and tried to let go of every emotion. It was difficult, the task too monumental now. Within moments, a pleasant feeling began to wash over her, love. She relished the feeling, taking hold of it. She felt a surge of love for Chakotay, the feeling nearly overpowering. When she opened her eyes, they met Deanna’s and she was smiling. 

“How did you?... What did you?” She questioned in surprise.

“I’ve learned over the years that I can do more than just sense emotion, I can impart it as well. It’s harder for me to accomplish since I’m only half Betazoid, and mentally draining, but you needed something to rival the negative emotions you’re feeling right now.” She explained, concerned that if she didn’t intervene Kathryn and the baby’s health would be at risk. “What I’ve shared with you is the love I have for my husband.”

Kathryn smiled, “You must love him a great deal.”

“I do.” She confirmed simply. “As you do for your husband.”

“I’m home,” Chakotay called out, announcing his presence so they wouldn’t be surprised, knowing he was a tad early.

“I think this is a good place to end our session for the day,” Deanna said, and released her hands, “I hope the evening the two of you have planned will be wonderful. I think it's great the two of you are spending some much-needed time alone before your baby arrives.” Then stood up.

“Thank you, Deanna, for everything,” Kathryn said pushing herself up to her feet.

“My pleasure, we’ll talk again on Tuesday.”

She nodded and followed Deanna into the living area where Chakotay was sitting, then closed the doors to the balcony. 

“Good afternoon Captain, it’s nice to see you.” Deanna greeted.

“Call me Chakotay, and it’s good to see you too. I hope you both had a good talk.”

“We did,” His wife answered with a soft smile.

“I’m going to see myself out and let you two get on with your evening plans. Have a wonderful weekend,” she said and walked out as they gave their goodbye’s.

Chakotay walked over to his wife who had a serene look on her face, the smile still tugging at her lips. “You seem to be in a good mood.”

Moving up to him, she put her arms around his waist and looked up at him, “Have I told you how much I love you lately?”

He smiled and threaded his arms under hers to hold her around the waist, “You have, this morning, but I don’t mind hearing it again.”

Her smile widened briefly, “I love you.”

“As I love you. Don’t ever forget that.” He replied and bent down slightly to bestow a tender kiss on her lips. 

Within seconds she’d deepened it, exploring the familiar taste and contours of his mouth, her hands sliding up to caress his cheek and his hair. A hand slid up her back, holding her closer as his mouth enjoyed the feeling of hers. For the first time in many weeks, she wanted him. 

“I want you inside me.” She moaned against his mouth. 

His hands began to roam slowly over her body as he led her to the bedroom, their mouths pressed together. He’d wanted her for so long now, and he wasn’t going to question it if she was in the mood. The dinner along with the rest of the evening could wait. Once they made it inside, his hands were already being to undress her as they made their way there. He was wasting no time in getting her clothes off. She was doing the same to him, unzipping his uniform top, tugging at the grey tunic tucked into the waist of his pants.

Lowering her down onto the bed, she kicked off her pants and undergarments as he removed the rest of his clothing. She pushed herself higher onto the bed and lay back against the pillow, then rolled toward him as he moved beside her, touching her most intimate places as her hands reached to explore his, their mouths coming together again. “I can’t take this.” She said, “Get up.” Confused, he backed off and stood up. 

She sat up and moved onto her knees, then turned to face the headboard before getting down on all fours. “Take me, now,” She commanded.

He smiled and moved behind her. Slowly he slid himself inside, releasing a moan of pleasure at the same time as his hands found her hips and began to move against her. Her head dropped down, pushing herself back to meet his thrusts as she also released a moan, and began to pant softly. She could feel his hands roaming over her back, her ass. Listening as he moaned and panted softly, fueling her own desire, making her want him more than she already did. “Harder.” She demanded. 

He hesitated, not wanting to injure her, but increased his pace slightly. It was enough to make her moan loudly, her head lifting. “That’s it baby, let go.” His voice was husky, filled with lust. It seemed to turn her on even more. Pushing herself hard against him, she tried to increase the pace again. “Hey, take it easy, I’ll get you there.” He said rubbing his hand across her back and slowed down. “I’ve never failed you before, relax, and trust me.”

She did trust him, but her lust was getting in the way, wanting him to take her hard and fast but he was exercising caution. She reached back to the hand on her hip and pulled it down, indicating where she wanted him to touch her before her hand fell back onto the bed to distribute her weight evenly again. She was wild with lust, the overpowering desire wanting him to bring her to completion. 

He bent forward, continuing the journey of where her hand was leading. She cried out the moment she felt his fingers begin to manipulate her. “Is this what my baby needs?” He cooed, his hips continuing to move against her. 

“Yes, please don’t stop.” She whispered, almost speechless.

“You are so sexy.” He breathed, softly kissing her back and sending delightful little waves of pleasure throughout her body.

“God you feel good. ” Her voice turned to velvet. 

“I love you, so much.” He replied, continuing to place soft kisses against her smooth skin. 

She could feel the promise of ecstasy, it was so close, almost within reach. He released a sound of air rushing quickly against teeth as he inhaled, trying to hold back. He was so close now, too close, no more than a few seconds away from paradise. It had been too long since they’d been together this way. His fingers began to rub her furiously, trying to ensure she came with him. 

The moment she felt his initial release, her limbs began to shake, and her head began to swim. His hand slowed but didn’t stop, suddenly her body was soaring. One of her hands found the headboard and gripped it, riding on a tidal wave of pleasure each time she felt him release another piece of himself inside her. Her other hand reached up to join the other, gripping it with both hands as her hips thrust back hard against him. She didn’t want to come down, only lose herself in an absolute state of rapture. 

He felt his body returning to a neutral state, the overpowering exaltation drifting slowly away as he stilled the motion of his fingers and hips. Leaning back onto his legs he wrapped one arm firmly around her hips as he wrapped the other just under her breasts as she pulled herself toward the headboard. He was concerned that when her release faded, she would forget herself and drop down onto her stomach, injuring herself and the baby. 

Once her strength depleted, she dropped like a stone. His strong arms held her against him, keeping her from falling forward. Her head rolled back and came to a rest on his cheek, her arms limp and hanging back as he eased her backward. Maneuvering his legs, he pushed them out in front of him, keeping them separated to accommodate her, his knees bent toward him given the limited amount of space he had to work with, being so close to the headboard. “Kathryn baby. Are you alright?”

She moaned, unable to speak, still trying to get her bearings. 

He smiled and kissed the side of her head. “I take it that was good for you?” He asked. She lifted her arm with some effort and gave him a thumbs-up before letting gravity take over, making him laugh. He lay back onto the mattress continuing to laugh, she laying back with him by default. His laughter began to die down, she was so tired was unable to join him, even though she did find it just as funny. They lay there, breathing heavily, still trying to catch their breath.

After their breathing began to return to a normal rhythm he said, “Go take a bath. I’ll get things cleaned up in here before taking a sonic shower. Deal?”

She nodded, “Deal.” 

“Computer? What’s the time?” He asked it answered in its usual candor and indifference, _“Sixteen-thirty-one hours.”_

“Plenty of time to meet our reservation at nineteen hundred.” She said rolling herself to the side so she could push herself up and headed into the bathroom.

Chakotay lay there for a minute, watching her walk across the room. Even nearly nine months pregnant, she was still sexy, beautiful, and stunning. As far as he was concerned, she always would be, and it made him feel like the luckiest man alive.

***

Cadet Talia DeMarco was not pleased when she left Chakotay’s office. How dare he say those things to her? She could have any man she wanted except him it seemed, and that drove her crazy. No one ever turned her down when she beckoned. She was smart, pretty, and had a body that got everyone’s attention. She didn’t want the boys her age, they didn’t know how to handle her, give her what she wanted, but a grown man with experience was another story.

She knew his history, that he was in the fleet, left to become a Maquis bad boy who turned back into a Starfleet officer once his ship and Voyager’s got pulled into the delta quadrant. Their crews began to work together, deciding to become a Starfleet crew in the end. Captain Janeway did have the more powerful of the two ships, tactically it made the most sense. 

She thought he was handsome, and when the ship returned home after seven years, she was just about old enough to enter the Academy as a pilot. Starting her first semester a few weeks ago, she learned he would be teaching planetary expedition so she signed up for the class, not only because she needed it as part of her course work, but that she could also meet him in person. 

He seemed to be just as handsome as she remembered from his holo-photos, she knew he’d married his former Captain, within the year after their return, but that had never stopped her before. There hadn’t been a man yet who had been able to resist her once she decided she wanted them, but Chakotay had been her first unattainable catch. It didn’t sit well, and it made her angry. 

Walking out of the building and toward the public transport site, she was thinking of a plan that would allow her to win his affections, not knowing that someone mixed in with her entourage of young men was following her. She keyed in the sequence that would take her to the pad closest to home. When she appeared on the other side, the group of boys had not followed, not knowing where she went. 

Another person stepped off the padd and followed. She saw it was a woman, so she ignored it and kept walking. Once the foot traffic had died down, the woman seemed to speed up a little and called out, “Are you Talia DeMarco?” She stopped and turned toward her, still feeling a little annoyed as the woman walked up to her with a friendly smile. “You’re a hard woman to catch sometimes.” She said. 

“Do I know you?” She asked. 

“No,” The woman answered finally closing the distance between them. “But you may know my boss, Admiral Kathryn Janeway.”

The girl's eyes widened slightly, “I wasn’t aware she’d been promoted.”

“Oh yes, for almost a year now. I’m sure you know her husband, Captain Chakotay, you appear to be in his class this semester.”

“That’s right.” She confirmed cautiously. 

Victoria laughed. “Well, as the Admiral’s assistant it’s part of my job to know everything that could harm her or her family. Do you get my meaning?”

She wasn’t in the mood for games, and she wasn’t interested in talking to her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just on my way home.” She said and began walking away.

“I see, then you wouldn’t be interested in any of these then?” Victoria pulled out a large brown cloth bag with a zipper on the top. “Opening the bag, she pulled out a stack of what appeared to be holo-pictures.”

Curious, she turned back toward her to see what they were. Turning them around so she could see, it showed her in some very compromising positions with another member of staff, Professor Hartly. Talia’s eyes went wide. “Now I could do one of two things with these pictures. I could show them to the board of directors and have both you and the Professor exposed, getting him fired and kicking you out of the fleet, or I could put them someplace safe where no one would ever find them.”

“What’s the catch?”

“You’re a clever girl, aren’t you? The catch as you say is that you leave Captain Chakotay alone from now on. You don’t approach or even look at him again. If I find out you’ve broken your promise I’ll be happy to make sure you’re parents get a framed holo-book for Christmas showing you trying out all the different positions of the Kama Sutra with him…unless you’re parents are into that kind of thing of course. But, since they’re from a long line of Starfleet DeMarco’s I’m not sure if they’d like to have something like this being circulated. People tend to get a little funny about it.”

“How do I know you won’t go around showing them anyway?”

“For the same reason, I don’t know if you’re going to stop harassing Captain Chakotay. We’ll just have to trust each other. Showing these pictures will only ruin your life, career, and family. So, to make this even easier for you, I would drop his class for now and plan to retake it next semester. Chakotay will be going on leave to help his wife with the birth of their first child. It will be a year at least before he returns, plenty of time to get your classes for the next semester.”

She watched her carefully. “Okay, so let’s say I let this go and do what you ask. Will, I get the pictures then?”

Victoria cocked her head to the side. “If after a year goes by and all is still well, I’ll get them sent to you personally. From there you can do what you want with them. Deal?” She said offering her hand and the young woman shook it. “Glad we had this talk, Talia. Take care of yourself.” She said with a smile before going back to the transport pad and back to the Admirals office.


	22. Chapter 22

Formal attire was required for the restaurant he’d chosen for their diner, Acquerello. They served high-end Italian cuisine and wine. The restaurant was housed inside a converted chapel with vaulted wood-beamed ceilings. He wanted this night to be romantic and special, but he did have a hard time trying to stop thinking about what they’d done earlier every time he looked at her, making him give a hint of a smile in remembrance. 

“This is beautiful, Chakotay.” She said taking his arm. 

Patting her hand, he led her inside where they were seated at a table in the corner next to a set of large windows that overlooked San Francisco Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. After they’d ordered their meals, she found herself staring out the window and looking over the water, the moonlight reflecting off the waves. It was a sight, in times of doubt, that she never thought she’d see again when lost in the delta quadrant. 

When her eyes turned back to his, he was smiling as he continued to hold her hand. In the center of the table was a red velvet box. She tilted her head to the side and gave him a soft questioning look. “Open it.” He encouraged softly. 

Reaching out, she gently picked up the box and opened it carefully. Inside was a silver pendant in the shape of a heart with three birthstones. A diamond for Asa’s birthday in April, a ruby for Sian’s birthday in July, and last there was a sapphire representing the month of September. She looked up and raised a questioning eyebrow.

She didn’t have to say a word for him to understand her clearly, “For the baby, you’re due this month.”

Her eyes drifted back down to the box, “It’s beautiful honey. Help me put it on.”

He rose from his seat and made his way behind her as she took the necklace from the box. Handing it to him, he placed the delicate silver chain around her neck and clasped it together. Her fingers stroked the pendant and gave a peaceful sigh as her hand reached up to grasp his arm. She looked up and he bent down to give her a tender kiss, her hand caressed his cheek briefly. Moving back to his side, he retook his seat and reached across the table for her hand, which she gave without hesitation. He was the love of her life, the man she never expected to find. 

“Kath?” 

She hadn’t heard that name or voice in over eight years. Turning her head, she looked straight into the eyes of her former fiancé. “Mark?”

He smiled, his hand clasped in the hand of a beautiful brunette woman with grey eyes, his wife she assumed. “It’s good to see you.” He said affectionally, always holding a special place in his heart for her. 

After the ‘Dear Jane’ letter he wrote to her four years ago, she hadn’t heard from him again and didn’t think she ever would. “You too.” She replied, then looked to the woman he was with, a soft smile on her lips. “Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

“Yes, of course, this is my wife Carla.” 

She reached out her hand to Kathryn and she took it, giving it a firm shake. “I feel as if I already know you,” She said with a friendly smile, “Mark has always spoken so highly of you over the years.”

“Why don’t you join us?” Chakotay offered, he could see she was interested in catching up with him, and he was secure enough in his relationship with Kathryn that he had no reason to ever feel threatened by him. 

Kathryn felt silly for a moment as she released Carla’s hand. “Where are my manors, this is my husband, Chakotay.” Chakotay stood and shook his hand, neither seemed to feel awkward about it. 

“We couldn’t impose,” Mark said after releasing his hand. 

“Nonsense,” Kathryn assured after Chakotay’s initial invitation; it was his way of telling her that if she wanted to visit with Mark he was fine with it, and part of her felt he wanted to get to know him a bit more, she rarely mentioned him over the years, the memory too painful. 

Chakotay stood and offered Carla his chair, then moved to sit in front of the window beside his wife. Mark took the seat across from him. “I heard about your promotion to Admiral. Congratulations Kath, as hard as you work, I know it’s well deserved.”

“That hasn’t changed,” Chakotay added and kissed the back of his wife’s hand, she gave him a crooked smile.

“Thank you, Mark.” Looking back at him she asked, “Are you both still working for the Quester Group?” 

He nodded, “Mark has been asked to speak at a symposium here in San Francisco regarding new horticulture techniques he’s developed to yield larger crops in a variety of inhospitable environments.” Carla said, obviously proud of her husband’s accomplishments. 

“That’s wonderful, I knew you’d put some of those theories into practice one day.” Then she looked to Chakotay, “Mark has been working on this technique for years, and probably knows more about horticulture than any person I’ve ever met.”

They called a waiter over so Mark and Carla could order something, along with a bottle of Barolo, considered the king of Italian red wines and is made from Nebbiolo, the wines of this small appellation in Italy’s northwest are among the most ageable in the world.

As the waiter began to pour the wine, Kathryn put her hand over her glass when he came around to her, silently indicating she wasn’t having any. He gave her a nod and put the bottle back on ice before leaving them alone. Mark gave her a questioning look and said, “I’ve never known you to turn down a fine wine.”

“I’ve never been almost nine months pregnant before either.” She replied.

It took a moment before the words sunk in. “You’re pregnant?” She smiled and nodded, giving Chakotay’s hand a loving squeeze. He smiled as he took a sip from the glass and gently squeezed her hand in return. “Well, congratulations to both of you. Do you know what you’re having?”

She shook her head, “We’re keeping it a surprise.” Chakotay answered. 

Her eyes turned back to her husband and smiled before announcing, “I think I’m going to excuse myself for a moment and find the ladies' room before our food arrives.” Kathryn said pushing her chair back. Both men stood up as Chakotay helped her to her feet. It was then Mark and Carla saw her fully for the first time, he gasped softly upon seeing the swell of her stomach. 

“I’ll join you,” Carla said standing and walked beside her.

The men took their seats, and Chakotay could tell by the expression on Mark’s face that he was more than surprised, he was almost nostalgic. “She’s one hell of a woman, I can’t imagine my life without her,” Chakotay said.

Mark nodded, “I remember.” He said softly.

An awkward silence fell between them, and as much as Chakotay loved his wife, he did feel sorrow for the man. He had lost someone he loved, someone he thought he would spend the rest of his life with, start a family with, grow old with. He clung to hope, even when others around him had given up. Eventually, and with great effort, he forced himself to let go of her and say goodbye to all the hopes and dreams he once held for their future. 

He could only imagine the conflicting feelings he must have had when he learned she was still alive four years later. Having picked up the pieces of his broken life and moved on, finding love again in someone new and starting the family he always thought would be with her. Now he was seeing her pregnant with another man’s child, the child he had thought would have been his one day. Their time was over now but could see he couldn’t help but mourn what might have been even though he could tell that he loved his wife, their family, and the wonderful life they shared. 

“I understand,” Chakotay said and offered him a smile that proved it. “There will always be a part of you that will always be in love with her. Just as I’m sure there’s a part of her that feels the same for you. I have no idea how hard it must have been for you to let her go, if I were in your shoes I’m not sure I could have done it, but I can tell you this, even though she knew you would one day move on with your life, that knowledge wasn’t easy for her to accept. It took a few years before she could bring herself to finally say goodbye to you.”

In many ways, his words brought comfort. Knowing that their relationship meant as much to her as it did to him and that she found the separation and the pain of letting go just as arduous. “You didn’t have to tell me that,” Mark said with a grateful smile, “but I’m glad you did.”

Chakotay gave him a nod and took another sip of wine, feeling that he’d been able to bring the man some semblance of closure he never really felt he had. When the ladies returned, laughing over some joke shared between them, the men rose and helped them back into their seats. Mark looked over to Kathryn as she retook her husband's hand and noticed the subtle glance, they gave one another. He remembered how they used to do that, but there was something different about her now, besides the obvious, she appeared to be unquestionably and irrevocably in love with him. 

When they were a couple there was always a slight hesitance, as though she wanted to be close but not too close. Part of that may have come from losing her previous fiancé Justin and her father, but he didn’t think so, not entirely. They had grown up together, and even though he really wasn’t anything to write home about in those days, he remembered how beautiful he thought she was, knowing she didn’t see herself that way. 

He remembered the name of every boyfriend she had over the years. All the guys who had sought her attention, and how he was simply good old Hobbes, her childhood friend she could always turn to when she needed someone to lean on. He’d always had a crush on her from the time he was ten but never said anything. He would rather have her as a friend than not have her at all. 

When she came back home after the accident that killed both Justin and her father she was devastated, never leaving the house. It wasn’t until her sister Phoebe, fed up with all the wallowing in self-pity that she dragged her out of the house and forced her to start living her life again. He never really thanked her properly for that. Because if she hadn’t, they might not have run into each other again, giving them the chance to get to know the other in an entirely new way.

He was no longer only plain old Hobbes; he was an adult who had been rechristened to his proper name of Mark. She had begun to see him differently then, and they began spending more time together until their relationship grew over the years, finally building up the courage to ask her to marry him. When she accepted, he didn’t think he’d heard her correctly at first, feeling sort of stunned by her reply. 

It was then he began to imagine the rest of their lives together, how many children they’d have, where they would live, what their careers would be, how they would grow old together surrounded by their children and grandchildren. That dream never came to fruition. Her disappearance to the delta quadrant had changed everything, and it was no longer him she looked at that way anymore, and never really had completely. Looking back, it almost felt as if she’d settled for rather than fell in love with. 

They laughed, joked, and told stories over dinner. He’d learned more about Chakotay and what kind of man he was, and he could see how much they adored each other. Even though he loved Carla deeply, their son Kevin, and the life they’d built together, there was still a piece of himself that kept nagging at him. What if all their plans had come to pass and where would they be now? Would she be looking at him the way she now looked at Chakotay? Was there still any part of her that loved him the way that part of him loved her? 

When dinner was over, and they walked out of the restaurant with their other halves, this might be the last chance he had to find out. To silence the little nagging piece of himself that needed to know if they were over each other, and perhaps get the final sense of closure Chakotay had tried to offer but couldn’t fully accept. 

They had all but said goodbye when he asked, “Would either of you mind if I spoke to Kathryn for a moment?”

His wife patted his arm and gave him a smile, Chakotay gave a nod and looked to his wife, letting her decide if she wanted to speak with him. She laid her hand over his, the touch assuring him of her devotion, but also her needing to bring closure that chapter of her life. He gave her a smile and kissed her on the cheek in understanding. “I guess I’ll have the pleasure of keeping your lovely wife company for a bit,” Chakotay said and offered her his arm, she took it with a smile of her own and they walked a little further down the sidewalk, talking. 

Mark offered Kathryn his arm, she gave him a crooked smile and took it as he began walking them in the opposite direction. Spotting an empty bench near the bay, they took the short walk over to it. He helped her sit before taking the seat beside her. Now he was nervous. 

“So, what did you wish to talk to me about?” She asked, getting the conversation going.

He sat leaning forward, his elbows resting on his thighs as he stared at his clasped hands. His mouth had gone inexplicably dry, the words he’d been wanting to ask stuck in his throat. He jumped slightly when he felt her hand on his shoulder and he sat up straight. Her eyes focused on his, showing her concern. 

“Kathryn I…” was all he could manage.

“Yes?” She asked patiently, trying to encourage a response.

“I know we never got the chance to end things properly between us…and I’ve been wondering if…” the words trailed off again.

She seemed to know where he was going with this, “If I still have any feelings for you?” He nodded. She looked away for a moment, clearly uncomfortable with the topic before answering, “There will always be a part of me that still loves you.” She said carefully, “but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Then she studied his face as if she could get a hint of what his feelings were. “Are you…trying to tell me that…you are?”

He was certain he wasn’t, that is, until she asked him directly, then he wasn’t sure. “No…yes…maybe…I don’t know.” He said with a sigh and allowed his body to slump forward again, his face resting in his hands for a moment. She said nothing, either waiting for him to continue or she didn’t know how to respond to his reply. If he had to guess he’d say it was a little of both. Dropping his hands, he lifted his head. “I honestly never expected to see you again. Nor did I think we would ever be having this conversation. I’ve tried so hard to say goodbye to you and move on with my life but seeing you again dredged up all those old feelings I’ve worked to let go of. Now…”

“I know…the thought did cross my mind as well. I think it’s only natural considering the history we shared. Our relationship didn’t end in the most conventional way.” She said with a soft nervous laugh. “It was just sort of…severed.”

He looked back up at her astonished as if she’d managed to come up with the right term, he’d been searching for all those years. Turning toward her slightly, he felt an overwhelming urge to kiss her, knowing that would tell him if it was truly over between them. She suddenly looked a little frightened and concerned by the look he was giving her. Before she knew it, his lips were pressing against hers. For a moment she was stunned before trying to push him back, but the hand on the back of her head kept her from getting far. 

She began turning her head to either side, trying to break contact, her hands continuing to push against him. “Let go of me! Mark! Stop!” Abruptly he did.

“I’m sorry Kathryn. I don’t know what came over me just then. Please forgive me.” His words falling over themselves, trying to express how much he regretted his actions. 

Her eyes were penetrating, mixed with anger and confusion. “What the hell is wrong with you?” She said pushing herself to the end of the bench. 

“I’m such an idiot.” He said moving away to put her at ease. “Kathryn, you know I would never force you to do anything you didn’t want to. I just had this overwhelming urge to kiss you and before I could stop myself, I was already doing it.” He felt disgusted by the action and with himself. 

Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to calm down. The situation clearly wasn’t easy for him either, but still found herself feeling on edge. “I suppose I can understand why it happened, but I wouldn’t recommend trying that again.”

“I won’t.” He vehemently agreed. “I wish I could take it back. It was never my intention to ever make you feel uncomfortable.” She nodded, but he could still see her guard was up. “If nothing else, it at least answered one question.”

“And what’s that?”

“That you’re defiantly not in love with me anymore.”

She softened a touch, realizing for the first time that she had indeed moved on. “What about you?” 

He shook his head as a smile spread across his lips. “I’m not in love with you either.” 

They looked at each other in silence for a moment as the realization passed between them. Then they did the last thing anyone would have expected, laugh. Both began to laugh long and hard, mostly in relief. She was holding her stomach as the baby suddenly began kicking wildly into her ribs, ending her laughter with a loud painful gasp, and tried to stand up but failed. Mark’s laughter stopped immediately and went to her. She was now making a sliding motion against the top of her stomach pushing downward.

“What is it, Kathryn? What’s wrong?” He asked in a panic.

She grasped his hand, her eyes wide with panic and filled with pain, unable to get any words out as she began to push herself up to her feet again. 

This time he was there to help her. “You’re starting to scare me.” He said. 

It seemed the moment she was on her feet a calm came over her as if everything that had just been happening to her immediately came to an abrupt stop. Her eyes slowly met his, and with a look of confusion, she replied. “I think my water just broke.”


	23. Chapter 23

The Suus Mahna is a form of Vulcan martial arts that takes years to master. Sian had been spending almost as much time practicing the artform as she did meditate. It gave her a way of being able to focus her mind without having to be in a direct state of meditation. Master Fellik had been impressed at how quickly she was mastering the art form, as though she had already been studying it for years. It seemed to come to her as naturally as piloting. 

She felt better within herself, and she missed her family terribly. Her brother, father, mother, she ached to be in their presence. “When do you think I’ll be ready to go home, Master?” She asked.

He regarded her curiously. “It is not I who is keeping you here. You have imposed these challenges upon yourself.”

“I know, I just can’t seem to let go of the hatred I have for Seska, Maj Cullah, Vett, and what those Kazon’s did to my parents, especially what they did to my mother.”

“All of them have suffered the consequences of their actions. Why allow the memory of what they did torment you?”

“Because they need to be punished for what they did.” She said, feeling the anger beginning to rise.

“Death was their punishment,” Fellik stated simply.

“It isn’t enough.” She replied softly, trying to keep the anger from transforming into rage.

He regarded her thoughtfully. “Let us explore this idea from a place of logic. If death is not the ultimate punishment, then what is?”

She tried to suppress her anger and do as he asked. Look at it from a logical perspective, but it was difficult, her need for revenge getting in the way. 

“Suffering.” She answered finally.

“There are multiple ways one can suffer. Pain, loneliness, loss, terror, sadness to name a few. By which method do you believe is the embodiment of suffering?” 

“Pain.” She answered firmly.

“Physical or emotional?”

She hesitated, uncertain how to respond. What she wanted to say was physical, but emotional pain does often lead to a type of physical pain depending on how deep the trauma was, and in her case, it ran deep. “Emotional.”

“And what type of emotional pain do you believe is the most painful?”

“Loss.” She answered immediately. “If my parents hadn’t of been driven to madness, had not been killed, me and Asa could have helped them overcome what happened somehow.”

“Somehow?” He questioned, “You and your brother had just witnessed an unsettling and highly disturbing event to which neither of you had any basis of understanding. How do you believe you could have helped your parents overcome their trauma when both of you had already been traumatized?” He asked, hands clasped behind his bank. 

His unchanging expression and voice of reason were getting in the way of the revenge she wanted. The hope that things could have been different. She found the frustration with his questions and the logic in his statements irritating. “Because we loved them. We could have helped them the way they always helped us.”

“That is a child’s answer.” He pointed out. “Purge yourself of all emotion, allow yourself to only consider the circumstances from a place of reason and logic.”

She wanted to hit him, hit someone, anyone. The truth was, she didn’t want to let go of the anger, it seemed to be the only thing keeping her motivated. Forgiveness was for quitters who were tired of fighting.

He could sense the internal conflict, had been able to sense it for months. She had managed to face her fear of the beast and defeated it, but it did not completely resolve the issue. He knew she would still need therapy to overcome the residual feelings that followed. Anger being the most prevalent. “Let us consider the scenario you have constructed, starting with your father. In this case, your father did not attack Seska, instead, he found himself subservient and mentally broken. Knowing he has failed as a husband and a father. He could not prevent the rape of his wife, nor could he protect her from any of the subsequent rapes that occurred. He could not protect or prevent his children from witnessing the event. 

“Seska grows tired of questioning him, unable to get any new information that would give her the answers she seeks. She withdraws her forces and leaves the planet. Then there is your mother, who has been raped many times and is no doubt feeling extremely violated and afraid. Unaware of where her children are and if they safe. She is suffering from a high degree of stress and anxiety. 

“Your brother is by your side, consumed by feelings like that of his father and mother. Guilt, anxiety, stress, terror. Then there is you, a child-like your brother who has never heard of, much less seen the level of depravity which has taken place. Unable to process the imagines and sounds in any way that makes sense, your mind invokes the only defense it has available to protect itself until it can find a way to process the information. It shuts down. 

“Over time, the physical scars heal. However, your father is unable to return to a position of confidence, guilt-ridden by his failure to act and protect the people he loves. He begins to resent your mother, believing she too could have also fought harder. Her paranoia grows over time, experiencing flashbacks of the prior events, her trust in him as a protector withdrawn. Fear, stress, and anxiety are now her constant companions. She too begins to resent him as the overwhelming emotions continue to evolve. 

“Your brother can no longer see his parents in the same loving way he once did. Having developed deep feelings of bitterness and anger toward them as well as himself. His guilt over feelings of self-preservation, calling into question his own flaws by the nature of his humanity.

“Your mind is trapped in a continuous loop of sounds and images it is unable to understand, eventually leading to madness. As does the feelings of your parents and brother over time, leading them to traverse the same road you have taken, thereby reaching a crossroads that forces them to consider the state of their current existence. Is the expectation of life worth the continuance of suffering?”

As she listens, Sian has already fallen to her knees, tears streaming down her cheeks as she considers the logical outcome of the scenario he is describing. 

“All of you were doomed to walk this path from the moment the Kazon raped your mother. It is conceivable that your family would have been able to cope prior to that event, or perhaps if it had only occurred once. Beyond that, your family would have become irrevocably fractured. Sometimes, life is not a reward but a punishment. In this case, their deaths freed them from a life of suffering.”

“That’s why I want all of them to suffer. Death only prevented them from getting what they deserved.” She sobbed angrily.

Not unkindly he said. “Death is only the release of one’s obligations to this life. That is the punishment.”

She looked up at him confused, “What does that mean?”

“When you die, are you able to continue to protect and care for those you love? Are you not forever separated from their existence? Will their lives cease to continue without you? They will no doubt grieve your loss, for the missed opportunities, the culmination of new memories that would have been cultivated and shared were you still with them. That is, after all, the nature of this fragile gift we are given at birth. Knowing one day death will come and claim you in a final embrace. Do not waste this precious gift on anger and revenge. Forgive yourself, forgive your enemies for your own sanity and peace of mind. Reclaim the power you have relinquished to them. Learn from the mistakes of the past to reclaim your control of the future.”

She thought about what he said. The one thing she had learned over these many months is that he was always right in the end. No matter how much she resisted or persisted to do otherwise. She had to let go of her anger, the revenge, or she would never be whole, never feel she was ready to return to her family. If she wasn’t prepared to stay here her entire life, then she would have to find a way to forgive Seska along with the rest of them. 

She closed her eyes and allowed herself to search for a peace that had always seemed to be beyond her grasp. This time she genuinely wanted it. She wanted to go home. She wanted to be with her family in the time the universe had accolated her, however long or short that might be. 

Seska had become the ultimate antagonist. She conjured an image of her in her mind. Her face was cold, cunning, anger running deep in the pools of her dark eyes. She was instantly repulsed by her, but she forced herself to keep looking deeper and deeper into those eyes. That’s when she finally noticed there was more to her than what she believed, there was also fear, worry, sadness, jealousy, love, and regret. 

Sian realized at that moment Seska had always been a slave to her desires, her disproportionate feelings of self-worth. She was driven by fear of losing any advantage, her importance in the universe. She worried over them constantly. She was saddened by the loss of creature comforts, that her son was pulling so far away from her that the power to control him would soon be beyond her reach. She even regretted giving birth to him in the first place.

There was a brief look she had given her father that day, one she didn’t understand until now, love. She was in love with him, and it explained the look she interpreted as one of disgust she’d given her mother. She was jealous of her because she had dared to accept and return something he fully and freely gave that she could never possess, his love. She wanted to hurt her in the worst way possible. She wanted to bestow a suffering upon her that every woman secretly feared, knowing it would also deeply wound him in the process. She wanted to destroy them both. 

Sian had often wondered over the last few months during her meditations when her mind was quiet enough to consider the question she really wanted to know about that day, a question she had been afraid to receive an answer to. Why had she and Asa been left alone? The evidence of their existence was all around their home. Their swing set, their toys. Why had she nor any of the Kazon asked or bother to look for them? It was only now she had received the answer. Despite all her anger, her hatred, her cruelty, she could not bring herself to harm a child. It was the only reason she had not bothered to have anyone look for them. It was the only reason why she and her brother were left alive.

It was only in this moment of reflection she was finally able to find some redeeming virtue in her. Something that had been buried and hidden under the image she tried so hard to project. It shouldn’t have been enough, but she grasped onto it, feeling pity and sadness for her, for the way she felt her life had to be lived. Realizing that she had suffered, carrying the pain of all her choices every day of her life. All the missed opportunities where she could have chosen a less destructive path but didn’t. She had become trapped in a hell of her own making and only death could end the torment. It was then she gave her forgiveness and released the image along with all the painful feelings that came with it. She had begun to set herself free and reclaim her peace.


	24. Chapter 24

Now, all she could feel was pain and fear. It was the culmination of everything that had once driven her to make one of the worst decisions of her life, driving her to not only sleep with a man nearly half her age, but allowing her to fantasize about the man she had fallen in love with, and her desperate desire to have a baby of her own. 

Now it was happening, and she couldn’t have felt any more afraid that what she did now. Chakotay was holding her hand, showing his love for her openly, his support, offering her words of love and encouragement. She had read every piece of literature she could find on pregnancy and childbirth, preparing herself for the day their baby would arrive. Unlike a lot of women, she had been extremely lucky in the fact that she never experienced morning sickness, for that she had been thankful. 

Now she was hoping that her luck would hold out and the baby would be born without incident. That he or she would be healthy, that she wouldn’t have to endure any of the complications associated with giving birth, and they would all go home together with their son Asa as one happy family, minus one. She wished Sian could be here, her life for the last few months felt as if a part of her was missing. Once she’d accepted the children into her heart, she couldn’t imagine her life without them. 

“You’re doing fine honey,” Chakotay said smoothing her hair, her hand in his, a reassuring smile on his lips, “Anytime you feel a contraction just squeeze my hand. I’m not as fragile as I look,” He joked, trying to make her smile. 

She lay on the birthing bed; the evening dress having been removed and replaced with a hospital gown two hours ago. She gasped, her free hand going to her stomach, the other squeezing his hand as a contraction pulled her focus, trying to breathe in the long slow deep breaths she’d read about, in through her nose and out through her mouth. 

“Just breathe Kathryn, that’s it.” He encouraged, a cloth going to her face as he gently wiped away the perspiration. 

When it had eased, she said, “I never mentioned at any point did I that I wanted to experience natural childbirth?”

“Not that I can recall,” he replied, a smile playing at his lips again.

“Good,” she said leaning back and closing her eyes, “because if I did, I take it all back.” He laughed out loud before giving her a soft kiss on the lips. She smiled once he pulled back, “Careful, that’s what got us here in the first place.”

“I’m glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

The Doctor entered the room, followed by Asa. “Your son is here, Seven was able to pick him up once you’d gotten the chance to call his friends parents and give your permission for her to take him.”

Kathryn opened her eyes and reached out her hand. “Come here sweetheart, I could use your support about now.”

He smiled and took her hand happily, “So this is it,” he said, barely able to control his excitement, “You’re finally having the baby. I can’t wait to see them.”

“I’m sure they can’t wait to see you too,” Chakotay said giving his son a wide smile.

“I’ll be back shortly with a pain suppressor. Afterword I suggest you get some sleep Admiral; you’re going to need it.” He said with a soft smile and left the room. 

“I wish Sian were here,” Asa said, unable to hide the sadness on his young face, “she would have been just as excited as I am.”

Kathryn released his hand to caress his cheek, “I’m sure she’s still thinking of us, and if she were able to be here, she would.”

“I know, but it’s not the same.” He stated, his eyes downcast.

“I know honey, but it will have to do,” she replied softly, “Now, no more long faces, soon we’re going to be greeting the newest member of our family and I don’t want them to see any sad faces.” She said with a smile. He looked up and returned it. “That’s my boy.” She added, her fingers grasping his chin firmly and gave him a wink.

“I’m going to go to the messhall with Seven and get something to eat. I don’t know why I’m so hungry.” Asa said.

“You’re a growing boy,” Chakotay replied with a soft laugh, “we’ll see you when you get back.”

He kissed his mother on the cheek and left the room. After he was gone, they both stared at each other, no words needed to be said, they intrinsically knew what the other was thinking. He caressed her cheek and smiled, she returned it. He knew she was afraid; he knew her too well not to. Just as she knew a part of him was too, and that he was also worried, happy, excited. A part of her felt that way too, but it was the fear of the unknown that worried her. 

She was already pregnant at the time they received their cure, and even though the Doctor had assured her she and the baby were fine over the months and weeks that followed, she was still feeling apprehensive, that perhaps something had been overlooked. Even worse, that the baby had been developing some sort of cumulative effect that wasn’t noticeable now, something like what she and Chakotay developed over those six years before it was discovered by happenstance. 

“Don’t even think about it.” He said.

“And what would I be thinking?” She questioned, trying to appear somewhat annoyed by the statement. 

His hand went to her stomach and rubbed gently in large slow circles, a knowing smile on his lips. “You are going to be fine. The baby is going to be fine. There will be no surprises, the baby will not develop some malicious illness that will pop up out of nowhere and threaten their life. All you need to do is relax and enjoy this moment because I highly doubt, you’ll be wanting to do it again.” Then laughed softly, his other hand reaching up and caressing her cheek.

She smiled fully before laughter escaped. “You still think you’re clever, don’t you?”

“Clever enough to marry the smartest, sexiest, most beautiful woman by far in any quadrant of the galaxy and impregnate her with my child.” He replied with a wide smile.

Giving him a crooked smile in return she reached up and ran her fingers down his cheek and across his chin. “Good answer.” She breathed softly and drew him in for a tender kiss. 

“Trying for twins?” The Doctor asked stepping back into the room, a hint of a smile on his lips.

Chakotay couldn’t help but laugh, Kathryn gave the Doctor a stern look. “I don’t think she’s amused, Doctor.” He observed, the laughter fading.

“Well, they can’t all be winners.” He commented, then continued. “I have your pain suppresser here, it will dull the pain for a while, allowing you to sleep as your contractions continue to get closer together and become more intense. If you need a booster later don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get it.”

“Thank you.” She said sincerely. 

“You’re welcome, but due to the nature of where we’re attempting to suppress the pain, I’ll need to have you roll onto your side so I can inject the suppressor near the base of your spine. It’s important that you remain as still a possible. I’m afraid this can’t be injected like a hypospray. I will have to do so with a needle, however, you’re in excellent hands. I’ll signal the nurses to come in and we’ll get started.” He assured.

Both men could see she was nervous. Chakotay gave her a wink and squeezed her hand. It did make her feel a little better. The Doctor brought in the nurses and carefully they rolled her onto her side. She continued to hold her husband's hand and lock eyes with him. She felt the slight pinch of the needle but did her best not to move. 

“We’re all done.” He announced, and they rolled her back gently. “You should begin to feel sleepy within a few minutes.” Then patted her arm, she nodded. “If either of you need anything. Don’t hesitate to call.”

“We will, thank you, Doctor,” Chakotay said as they turned and left. Looking to his wife, he stroked her hair and spoke softly. “Close your eyes and sleep. It won’t be long now.”

“I love you.” She said simply, giving him a soft smile.

He returned it. “As I love you.”

Once she closed her eyes, it didn’t take long before she was fast asleep.

***

Victoria peeked in the door and saw the Captain sleeping in a reclining chair next to the Admiral’s bed. She was also asleep. Carefully, she placed the large bouquet of two dozen blue and pink roses on the table by the window across from the bed. She didn’t want to wake them, but she also knew they’d want to see the surprise she had waiting outside the door. 

From what she was told, the Admiral had been asleep for nearly eleven hours. Looking at the bio readings, Victoria could see where her contractions were lasting from forty-five to ninety seconds with about three to five minutes rest in between, and she had just dilated to ten centimeters. Everything appeared to be progressing just as it should be. She’d met the Doctor on her way in, along with his wife Seven who had Asa’s head in her lap. He was sound asleep. The Admiral’s mother and sister were also waiting outside. The Doctor was on his way along with the nurses any minute now. 

She had been asked to wake the Captain so he could rouse the Admiral, giving her a few minutes to become fully alert before delivery began. “Captain,” Victoria called softly shaking him by the shoulder. 

He jumped slightly as his eyes snapped open. “Victoria?” 

“Yes, the Doctor asked me to wake you.” He nodded and scrubbed his face as he pushed the reclining part of the chair into place with the back of his legs, “He would also like you to begin to wake the Admiral, but I have something in the waiting room you’ll want to see first.” She said with a smile as he gave her a questioning look. 

Moving over to the door, a young girl entered wearing hooded robes. Her long auburn hair had been pulled back into a ponytail. “Sian?” He said softly, unable to believe his eyes, “Is that really you?”

Victoria left the room quietly, “Yes Dad, it’s me.” She confirmed but was unsure as to how her sudden presence would be welcomed.

He stood up and rushed over, scooping her up into his arms and hugging her close, “We have missed you so much.” He said assaulting her tiny kisses all over her face. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” she replied with a soft laugh, happy to see him as much as he seemed to see her, hugging him around the neck. “I’ve missed you all too.” She pulled back to see his smiling face. “How’s Mom, is she okay?”

Sitting her down he took her by the hand and led her over to the bed. “She’s fine. I was about to wake her, it’s time for her to deliver your new brother or sister. However, I think I’ll let you have the honors.”

She smiled as he released her hand. Stepping up, she reached out and began to gently rub her mother’s shoulder. “Mom, wake up.” She only stirred but didn’t wake, so she tried again, shaking the shoulder with a little instance. “Wake up Mom.”

Slowly her eyes began to open, and they were out of focus. She rubbed them gently with the tips of her fingers trying to clear them before trying again. When they opened this time, she stared into a pair of warm brown eyes. “I’m still dreaming.” She whispered, not realizing she’d spoken aloud. 

Sian smiled, “You’re not dreaming Mom. I’m really here,” then placed her hand against her cheek as if to prove it.

Kathryn tried to sit up, but the angle she was laying make that impossible. Instead, her hands grabbed at her, trying to pull her close. Sian climbed up and sat next to her carefully and put her arms around her. She held her tightly, tears falling from her eyes and wetting her hair as she kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Mom.” Kathryn couldn’t speak, she was so choked with emotion she could only give her a tight squeeze. 

Chakotay smiled down at them as the Doctor entered the room along with two nurses. It was time, but he gave them a moment.

Kathryn kissed her on the forehead as she looked up to see the Doctor enter the room. She forced herself to find the words to speak. “I love you too sweetheart. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Then said, “I’ll be outside with everyone. I saw Nana and Aunt Phoebe there too. We can’t wait to see the baby Mommy. You’re both going to be fine.” She said giving her a final hug and kiss before getting off the bed. Giving her father a quick hug and kiss as well, she left the room. 

“Well you heard her honey, you’re both going to be fine. If you can’t accept that from us then accept it from her,” He said with a smile, which she returned before a hard contraction pulled her focus back to what she was here to do.

Closing her eyes, she held her stomach with both hands. This was by far the hardest contraction she’d faced so far, “Okay Kathryn, don’t forget to breathe.” Chakotay said taking one of her hands but hadn’t managed to grip her hand fully before she clamped down over his fingers. Pain shot through them, the strength in her hand felt like she was crushing all the bones in his fingers. The pain was exquisite, driving him to his knees. 

The Doctor and the nurses in the room couldn’t help but chuckle at the comical display as a nurse went over to help the poor man kneeling on the floor, his other hand gripping his wrist in an attempt to provide his fingers some support. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t even cry out, the pain in his fingers was overwhelming. After what seemed to be an eternity, her grip eased and she let go, breathing heavily as she leaned back to rest.

The Doctor got into position in front of her as the nurse placed a sheet over her legs and helped her put them in the stirrups. The other nurse was scanning Chakotay’s hand with a medical tricorder. “They’re fractured alright. A few minutes with the osteo regenerator and you’ll be good as new.” The nurse said, “I’ll be right back.”

Chakotay stood up cradling his hand as he approached his wife. “Better?”

She nodded as she did her breathing exercises. When she looked up and noticed how he was holding and protecting his fingers she asked, clearly not realizing she was the one responsible. “What happened to you?”

He didn’t know how to reply, it was obvious she didn’t remember, “I…uhh…” He looked to the Doctor with a pleading expression.

The Doctor smiled and came to his rescue, but not in the way he’d hoped. “Next time Captain, I wouldn’t recommend trying to take the hand of a pregnant woman who’s clearly in the middle of an intensely painful contraction.” He offered as though the answer should have been completely obvious. Chakotay shot him a look which indicated he wasn’t happy with the level of support he chose to offer.

“I’m sorry baby,” Kathryn said, reaching out a hand to rub his arm, feeling awful that she’d hurt him.

He gave her a pained smile, the fingers of his hand still crying out. “It’s alright, you didn’t do it on purpose. However, if you can fracture the fingers in my hand, I’ve certainly underestimated your strength over the years.” The corner of her mouth came up in a half-smile.

The nurse returned and began to regenerate the fractures in Chakotay’s hand as the Doctor looked under the blanket. “Admiral, have you been pushing?”

She gave him a look as if he’d asked her the silliest question in the universe, “Doctor, I’ve been awake for all of ten minutes, but yes, I did during that last contraction. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? When I have a contraction and feel the urge to push to bare down?” 

“Yes,” he began slowly, “but I would prefer you keep me informed so I can monitor the progress. However, in case either of you are interested, the baby is crowning.” The nurse finished up and Chakotay headed over to look over the Doctor’s shoulder. He lifted it up slightly so Chakotay could get a peek at his child’s head. “Well if you’re both ready, shall we continue?”

They nodded almost in unison, and Chakotay took his place by his wife’s side. This time, taking her hand firmly in his before she felt another contraction. “Would you like to see the baby’s head Admiral?” The nurse asked, and she nodded. Pulling down the overhanging mirror, she turned on the light and angled it so she could see the baby’s head. “Can you see the baby?”

She nodded with tears in her eyes. “I can’t believe that’s our baby.” And gave her husband’s hand a firm squeeze. 

He was also able to see it from his angle. “They’re going to be beautiful Kathryn.” He replied.

She let out a choked laugh, “You can’t even see their face yet.”

“Doesn’t matter.” He said in all seriousness. “Any child that comes from you is going to be beautiful.”

Sometimes he knew the perfect thing to say and just how to say it. Another intense contraction rippled through her, this one catching her completely by surprise. She gasped and tossed her head back against the pillowed top of the bed, her eyes going wide and her mouth dropping open in a soundless cry.

“Push honey, you got this.” Chakotay encouraged firmly, gripping her hand almost as tightly as she was gripping his. 

“Oh my God, this hurts!” She cried out beginning to lean forward, completely forgetting what she was supposed to be doing.

“Push Admiral!” The Doctor ordered, trying to get her to refocus.

All she could feel was pain, as if someone were digging into her stomach with a large rusty knife. She began to lean back the other direction, arching her back off the bed in an attempt to push herself up, her feet pushing down into the stirrups as she cried out, forgetting everything she knew and remembered about pain management. 

“Lay down Kathryn or you’re going to hurt yourself!” Chakotay cried out in a panic, feeling helpless and anguished by his wife’s reaction to the pain.

The Doctor stood up and moved between her legs and placed his hands on the top of her upper thighs to try and keep her from rolling to either side. The nurse who had regenerated Chakotay’s hand a moment ago moved to the side opposite of him and placed a hand on her shoulder and one on her forearm, then used his body as a barrier in case she did try to roll toward him. Thankfully, he had because her body twisted and pushed against him, another cry escaping her lips.

Without permission, someone entered the room and headed toward the medication stand and grabbed a hypospray. With practiced dexterity, they took a quick look at the medications available and picked the one they needed and loaded it. Tapping in the dose with quick nimble fingers they headed over and placed the hypospray against Kathryn’s neck and released the dose. Within a few seconds, it began to take the edge off the pain, giving Kathryn the opportunity to regain control as the contraction began its decline and ceased.

The Doctor looked up but couldn’t see the person standing behind the male nurse. A frail-looking but deceptively strong and nimble hand appeared on the nurse’s shoulder, indicting they step aside, which they did after Kathryn was laying back on the bed calmly. As he did, she handed him the hypospray. 

“Mrs. Janeway?” The Doctor questioned before asking. “What did you give her?” 

“Twenty ccs of Tretibital. I would have preferred Amaphine, but I suppose it's just a matter of preference.” She answered and reached across her daughter toward her son-in-law. “Hand me the cloth.” She ordered, which he did without question, stunned by her sudden presence and by how quickly she took over and controlled the situation. In fact, all of them seemed to be in different stages of the feeling.

“Mother?” Kathryn questioned in surprise.

“Shh, my brave girl.” She said wiping the perspiration off her face with the cloth, “I’ll never understand why men are left in charge of what is clearly a woman’s job.” Then she gave a quick glance to the Doctor, “No offense.”

“None taken.” He said returning to his seat, “You certainly seem to know your way around a hypospray.”

Looking back at her daughter she continued to pat her face and neck dry. Saying her next words as if they were ancient history. “I was a nurse for two years and a doctor for eighteen before I retired from Starfleet to devote all my time to my husband and two young daughters. I studied under Admiral Leonard McCoy at the Academy right before he retired. I was then stationed at Starfleet Medical for a number of years working closely with his daughter Doctor Joanna McCoy.”

Kathryn was stunned, “I knew you were in Starfleet for a time, but I had no idea…” her words trailed off.

“That your mother had a life before you?” She chuckled, “You were only five when I retired, your sister was three. Neither of you were old enough to remember and the subject never seemed to come up.” She lowered the cloth and looked into her daughter's eyes with a wide smile, “Now, let’s get this baby delivered, shall we?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Were the words that automatically rolled from her lips, making both the Doctor and Chakotay smile. There was only one person in the universe at this point who could make the extremely intimidating and commanding presence of Admiral Kathryn Janeway instantly retreat and behave like an obedient and submissive child and it was Gretchen Janeway. From that point on, things went a lot smoother.

***

“Okay Admiral, one more push.” The Doctor said.

The contraction came, the pain medication still taking the edge off. Holding her husband and mother’s hand, she bared down as hard as she could and pushed with the last of her strength. Leaning back, she investigated the mirror and saw the baby slide free as the Doctor lifted the child up. The nurse inserted something into the baby’s mouth. When they withdrew, the baby started to wail. Kathryn released a relieved laugh as tears flowed down her cheeks. Chakotay leaned over and gave his wife a quick kiss on the temple and spoke softly against her ear, his voice filled with emotion, “Congratulations mama.”

The Doctor lowered the child into her arms and said, “Congratulations, it’s a girl.”

Chakotay reached out to gently caress the top of his daughter’s head with a finger as Kathryn just as gently ran the pads of her first two fingers down her cheek in awe.

“She’s beautiful Kathryn,” Her mother said softly, gazing down at her newest grandchild.

“I told you she would be.” Chakotay reminded, “You never believe me when I tell you these things.” He joked. 

The Doctor reached for the baby, “There’s are a few other things we need to take care of before I can let you have a longer visit with your daughter.” He said kindly. She smiled and relinquished the baby to him. Taking her, he held her as if she were the most important person in the universe, and to both she and her husband at this moment, she defiantly was. 

“Would you care to do the honor’s Dad?” He asked Chakotay and the nurse offered him the laser scalpel after she clamped off the umbilical cord. The Doctor instructed him to where and how to make the cut. “Now we’ll leave you alone for a few moments Admiral so the new father can experience his part of the process while the nurses finish taking care of you.” The Doctor handed him his daughter after she’d been wrapped in a blanket so he could carry her into the other room where she will be scanned as the new father assisted in giving his daughter her first bath and diaper before being presented back to her mother.

The nurses moved around her silently as Gretchen smiled down at her exhausted but happy daughter and pushed the hair away from her face. “I’m very proud of you.”

Kathryn laughed tiredly, “Does that mean you were never proud of me before?”

She began to laugh softly with her, “You’ve always made me immensely proud. Both my girls have,” she said and allowed the back of her finger to gently pass down the side of her face, “Your father would have been very proud of what you’ve accomplished, not just this, but everything you’ve managed to achieve.” A tear made its way across her cheek, her blue eyes threatening to spill the rest. 

“I certainly hope so,” Kathryn replied stifling a yawn and took her mother’s hand. 

“I’ll tell you something else.” Gretchen began, the tears withdrawing as her daughter waited patiently for her to continue, eyes nearly closed. “Your father would have put up a fuss about your husband on the outside, because as far as father’s go no man is ever really good enough for their daughters, but he would have loved Chakotay. I’ve seen the way the two of you look at each other, the way you are together. I can tell you’re both deeply in love.”

She nodded sleepily, “I find myself looking at him sometimes and thinking that it doesn’t matter where we are, what we’re doing, as long as he loves me that’s all I need,” she finished as her eyes closed, drifting off to sleep.

“He does sweetheart,” she whispered, “you’ll never be in danger of losing that.”

***

“You’re not going to believe this,” Chakotay said re-entering the room with his daughter, a somewhat perplexed expression on his face as he looked up to see his wife asleep and his mother-in-law by her side.

“Kathryn,” Gretchen called, gently shaking her daughter's shoulder. It took a moment, but she finally opened her eyes. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” She said trying to push herself up a bit. 

“Nothing’s wrong exactly, just odd.” He said showing them the baby.

Her eyes were open, staring at her father’s face. Her body had been swaddled snuggly in a blanket, simulating the experience of being in the womb and giving the newborn a sense of peace and security. Bright emerald green eyes began to wander the room, the color of her fine blonde hair almost indistinguishable from her skin which was fair and smooth as porcelain. 

“I don’t believe it.” Kathryn whispered, “I just assumed she’d have darker hair and features. I never expected this.”

“Eva.” Her mother said in awe.

“Pardon?” She replied, giving her mother a puzzled look. 

Reaching for the newborn, Chakotay relinquished the child to her, then held her perpendicular against her chest. “Eva McCarthy,” she continued as if she were lost in a world of her own, “She was your great, great, grandmother. I remember those eyes and that fine almost white-blonde hair, that skin. She was quite famous in her day. In the year 2147, she was the chief science officer aboard the NX Endeavour. Your great grandmother, God bless her soul, used to show me pictures and tell stories about her. She was part of an expedition who was sent to gain further information about the Andromeda Galaxy. 

“Centuries ago, there was a race who lived near the border between our galaxies, the Kelvans. They became aware of dangerously rising radiation levels in Andromeda, a development expected to make that galaxy uninhabitable for their species within 10,000 years. They dispatched expeditions of multi-generational starships to explore the neighboring galaxies for territories suitable for conquest and occupation.

“Your great, great, grandmother was killed during a misunderstanding with one of their generational ships, but not before managing to generate massive amounts of research on the radiation levels. Her notes gave the Kelvan scientists the ability to alter the naturally occurring hydrogen compounds in their atmosphere to absorb and disperse the rising radiation levels on their homeworld. She died never knowing it was her research that saved an entire species from extinction.” Then she paused, looking thoughtful for a moment before saying, “I suppose you never really know how much a life is worth.”

Kathryn sat in awe, never having heard the story before, “That’s why when you showed such an intuitive understanding of science and exploration, I never discouraged it. I knew it had to have come from her.” Gretchen finished, staring back in captivation into her granddaughter's eyes. 

“Then that’s what we’ll name her,” Chakotay said firmly, “Eva,” Then looked to his wife who was smiling in approval. 

Reaching out, she gently ran the back of her finger against her daughter’s cheek. “Eva Janeway it is.”


	25. Chapter 25

Breastfeeding turned out not to be as easy as it might appear. Kathryn was having difficulty getting Eva to latch on and finding herself getting frustrated with the entire concept. 

“You have to relax Kathryn,” her mother said once they’d all gotten home and she, Gretchen, and Chakotay were sat on the sofa. The children were playing with Bnalla in Asa’s room, “If you’re tense and uncertain then she can sense it. You have to offer it to her with confidence.”

She’d been trying to breastfeed Eva for the three days she was in the hospital, and each time it had become a frustrating and bothersome event. Eva would tentatively latch on for a few seconds before spitting out the nipple. She found herself repeating the process over and over for about half an hour before finally giving up. 

The Doctor wasn’t concerned with the baby not getting any milk now, advising that it would be at least a couple of days before she would start producing milk. She was, however, getting the small amounts of colostrum that are produced after birth which are rich in antibodies. 

Kathryn’s breasts were swollen and uncomfortable, making them almost twice the size she was used to. The pressure and heaviness being generated by her body’s natural desire to produce were certainly taking its toll and making her feel a little self-conscience. She felt her breasts had always been of adequate size and shape for her body type, but the way she sometimes caught other people staring, especially her husband, made her feel the need to try and cover herself more. 

Without a word, Chakotay stood up and walked around the sofa. Placing his hands on her, he began to massage both her neck and shoulders gently to get her to relax and let nature take its course. She closed her eyes for a moment, very aware of Eva in her arms, and tried to let all the stress and tension melt away with the movement of his hands. After a few minutes, she felt herself begin to let go and took a deep breath before opening her eyes.

“Now,” her mother said, “Don’t try to aim for the center of the baby’s mouth, keep your fingers far away from the nipple so you can give her as much room as she needs to latch on. Aim for her upper lip while tilting her head back slightly.” Kathryn followed her instructions, “Okay, now rub the tip across her upper lip to get her to open her mouth,” She did, and Eva opened her mouth, “Now slip the nipple inside and let go.” As soon as she followed the last instruction Eva latched on properly and began to suck at her breast. Kathryn gave a sigh of relief as she felt the pressure in her breast begin to ease slightly. “There,” Gretchen said and stroked the baby’s face with the side of her finger, “that wasn’t so hard.”

Kathryn turned and tilted her head to the side, giving her mother an annoyed expression. 

Gretchen smiled, “Don’t be so sensitive dear, it’s easy once you know and understand the process,” She said and draped one of the thin baby blankets over Kathryn’s chest in order to give them both some privacy. 

“Yes mother,” She replied with a half-smile before leaning her head back to look up at her husband's smiling face, his hands stilled but still resting on her shoulders. Leaning down, he gave her a tender kiss. 

“None of that you two,” Gretchen joked, “It will be at least three months before your usual activities can resume.”

They parted and she stared back at her mother in shock, Chakotay laughed softly and made his way back to his wife’s side on the sofa, “Your daughter is a sexy beautiful woman Gretchen, it will be difficult, but if I have to make the sacrifice I will.” He said with a sly smile and caressed his wife’s cheek.

Gretchen smiled, a little mischief in her eyes as she looked to Chakotay, “Her father had a hard time trying to keep his hands off me after I’d given birth to your wife here, but I certainly made it up to him in the end.” Then raised a suggestive eyebrow, “How do you think I became pregnant with her sister?”

Chakotay laughed as Kathryn’s face took on a horrified expression, “Okay that’s enough. I can’t believe you’re both having this conversation. You do realize I’m sitting right here?”

“Mom, Dad, Nana,” Sian said opening the door to Asa’s room. “All of you need to come and see this.”

Something in her voice gave them all the impression that they should honor the request. Chakotay and Gretchen stood up as he helped Kathryn get to her feet. Walking into the room, both she and Asa were staring at a canvas propped up on an easel, he was still holding the paintbrush in his hand. As they moved into the room, the painting seemed to come into view a piece at a time.

What they all saw was stunning and a little disturbing. The background showed different layers and shades of black, getting darker as it made its way toward the center. Small and yet realistic pinpoints of light dotted the background. In the center was a hooded man floating in what looked like the center of space. He appeared extremely tall and impossibly thin in the grey clothing he wore. It seemed familiar to both Kathryn and Chakotay but were unable to place it, both feeling they’d seen this figure before. You could almost make out his facial features. They were alien and almost looked as if the figure could move at any moment, the context and shading giving it the appearance that it could walk out of the painting at any time, going far beyond any realistic quality. 

Chakotay knelt and placed his hand on Asa’s shoulder, “Did you do this son?”

He didn’t answer at first, just stared at the painting as if he were waiting for something. “I had a dream about him last night while Nana was here with us. I was on a starship for some reason, sitting in a classroom. The lights went out and it had gone dark except for some external lights from the ship. It wasn’t a lot, but just enough that I could see a figure hovering just outside the window. It looked like that.” He explained and gave a slight gesture toward the man. “He wanted me to come with him. I don’t know how or why I know that, but he did.”

“I have to say your painting skills are beyond anything I’ve seen before. Wouldn’t you agree Kathryn?” When he didn’t receive a reply, he looked back at his wife, who also seemed to be drawn in by the figure. “Kathryn?”

“Yes, quite amazing actually,” she answered finally, her eyes remaining focused on it, “It’s so realistic, more like a holo-photo rather than a painting.” Eva was shifting her fists under the blanket, her mother so focused on the figure she hadn’t noticed until she began to wail, redirecting her focus. “I’m sorry A leanbh,” Kathryn said, an Irish term of endearment meaning ‘my child’, “Still hungry? I’ll get you switched over,” she finished and headed out of the room, her eyes taking one more glance at the painting before she left, Gretchen followed.

Chakotay smiled at his son and patted him on the shoulder. “Sometimes the images we see in dreams can be enormously powerful Asa, but they’re not always what they seem. If you like, later I can show you how to go on a vision quest, we can search for their meaning together.” He nodded and stood up. 

Looking over to his daughter, Sian seemed a little unsettled by what her brother had painted. He picked her up and held her in his arms. “It scares me a little,” She whispered, “I don’t know why. Is something wrong with me?”

“No,” he replied with a soft chuckle. It bothered him too, but he wasn’t about to let either of his children know, “It’s only natural to feel a little afraid of something that appears strange. Your brother’s painting can’t hurt you though.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” She said seriously.

He gave her an odd look before giving her a kiss on the forehead and putting her down. “Maybe it’s best if I take the painting into another room for now. Everyone seems to be letting their imagination get the better of them.” Asa didn’t balk at the idea and surrendered the painting willingly. Taking it into the nursery, he gave it one last long look before putting it in the closet and went back into the living room.

As he passed Asa’s bedroom, the children were now playing with Bnalla again and he closed the door quietly. Turning, he listened to his wife and mother-in-law discussing different breastfeeding options, and what might work best depending on the situation as he made his way back over to them and retook his seat next to Kathryn. They didn’t discuss the painting. Instead, they relaxed into other topics of conversation for a while. 

For a seven-pound baby, Eva was beginning to get awfully heavy in her arms as she slept full, satisfied, content, and peaceful in her mother’s arms. “Let me take her for a while honey,” Chakotay said, and she transferred her over to him carefully, “Go take a nap, I’ll come to wake you in a while for dinner.”

She did feel tired, “Alright. I’ll see you both in a couple of hours,” then headed into the bedroom and closed the door.

Once they were alone, he turned to Gretchen and said quietly. “Phoebe is a truly gifted artist Gretchen, perhaps she can take the painting and do something with it. It seems to be more than just a little disturbing to everyone in the house.”

She nodded, “I was thinking the same thing actually. In fact, do you mind if I use your com panel? I’ll contact her right now.”

“Go ahead.” He answered before smiling down at his daughter. Gretchen had told him at Starfleet Medical a couple of days ago that she looked just like Kathryn when she was baby, if it weren’t for the green eyes, she would have sworn it was Kathryn at that age. His wife’s hair had apparently been the same color as Eva’s at birth before growing and changing into the darker auburn locks she now had.

It didn’t take long for Phoebe to arrive, intrigued by the painting's description. She greeted her mother and brother-in-law before peeking at her newest niece snuggled in his arms. 

“So, when are you going to make us an aunt and uncle?” He asked with a smile.

She gave a disgusted look, invoking a laugh from him, “I prefer to enjoy babies vicariously thank you. You and my sister seem to have the grandchildren thing covered by giving a certain person in this room three of them. If you want to make it four or five knock yourselves out. Perhaps I might get some peace for a change.”

“I just want both my daughters to enjoy the rigors of motherhood as I have,” Gretchen replied with a teasing smile.

“Well, in that case, I think Kathryn’s achieved that for both of us. Besides, I’m too busy traveling to even think about starting a family.”

“It also helps when you keep a man in your life for more than a few weeks.” Her mother pointed out, not unkindly.

“Well, they can’t all be Chakotay’s can they?” She replied with a grin then said, “Before I get sucked into this conversation any further-”

“Too late,” Chakotay interjected with a smile.

Shooting him a similar death glare to her sister’s she continued, “I’ll go ahead and take the painting and be on my way.” Gretchen retrieved it and handed it to her. Phoebe held it up and stared at it. “You weren’t kidding when you said this was amazingly realistic.”

“Do you have any plans for it?” Chakotay asked.

“I’m going to have one of my old professors look at it, give me an idea of where to go from there. He might even want to try and study the technique for a while.” She answered picking up the large protective cloth she brought with her and covered it. “Tell my sister and the kids I said hello and I’ll be by in a couple of days to see them.”

“I will.” He assured.

She blew a kiss to everyone in the room and said, “Love you all,” before she left.

**One month later…**

“What do you think?” Victoria asked, looking at the shadowed face of a woman on the screen.

The woman hesitated, staring at the image in the painting Asa created for a few moments. “I know him.”

Victoria knew better than to press further, knowing the woman would only tell her what she wanted her to know and nothing more. “Do you believe he’s a threat to the Admiral and her family?”

“He is dangerous.” She said carefully, musing over their last encounter, “I haven’t thought about him in years, and I assumed his power was only limited to a small region of the delta quadrant. He appears to have become more ambitious.”

“Should I alert the Admiral?”

“No,” she answered quickly, “She’ll want to know where you got the information. I’m afraid I’ll have to take care of him myself.”

Victoria nodded, “I thought you’d like to know that the children are doing well. They accepted them just as you said they would.”

“I know what kind of people they are, and I couldn’t leave them to the mercy of the Kazon. Those children deserved better, and if they couldn’t be with their biological parents and I could help the Admiral and the Captain with the means for a cure in addition to that, I’m glad I was able to do it.”

She smiled, “What would you like me to do in the meantime?”

“What you’ve been doing. Keep gathering information, perform damage control when necessary, and keep your eye on them. If you run into a situation you can’t handle and their lives are in danger, you know how to contact me.”

“Understood.”

“I’ll speak to you soon. Senua out.”

Victoria turned in her chair to stare at the painting. Her eyes taking in every tiny detail and storing it away, not knowing if any of the details she was memorizing would be needed later. She found herself captivated, intrigued, and disturbed by the image. Who was this man? And what could he possibly want with the Admiral or her family? Senua claimed to know him, that he was dangerous. She couldn’t claim she knew Senua well enough to know her reasons for protecting the Admiral and her family, only her own. 

Standing, she put the painting back into its large soft leather pouch and placed it in the concealed crawlspace above her closet. Changing into her bedclothes, she crawled into bed and turned off the lights. Even with the Admiral out on maternity leave, which would then turn into an extended vacation, there was always plenty to do around the office. She went to sleep thinking about all the tasks before her. 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will begin posting the second novel, "The Wolf of Mithren" within a few days. I hope you enjoyed this story and would love to get your thoughts on it along with the next book in this series. Thanks for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Members, as well as guests, are free and able to leave comments on any of my work.


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